The gang trooped back through the wood, singing triumphantly.
"WE caught the possum! WE caught the possum!"
"Actually, I caught the possum," said Batell.
There was a pause.
"BATell caught the possum! BATell caught the possum!"
Suddenly 10 dark figures leapt out in front of them.
"Oh sweet Jesus, what the hell now?" Lee groaned.
"HALT!" the man at the front cried once more.
Another man standing a little behind him stepped forward. "We are the Underwear Protectors! We are here to check your underwear and to make sure you're wearing the right size ones!!"
"We have replacements!" a man at the back said holding up a briefcase.
"Let's check!" A man dived forward and dropped Xander's trousers to the floor. He whipped out a tape measure and wrapped it round his waist and then down his leg. "30 by 22, 33 by 17, 5 by 12."
Pants wearing?"
"White y-fronts. Marks and Spencer's brand 54255."
"Check comfort factor," a man with a checkboard ordered.
"Excuse me sir?" the man with the tape measure stood up and talked to Xander. "But are these pants comfortable?"
There was a moments silence. "Well actually, they do chafe a little."
"Change!" the man shouted and all 10 of them went into action. After a short while the man ran back to Xander. "With your permission sir, try these." He handed him another pair of y-fronts, this time, blue. "Co-ordinates with your eye colour."
One of the men turned to Lee.
"Oh, Christ," Lee whispered to Ben. "I'm wearing a g-string."
"Would you mind dropping your keks, sir?"
"ARRGH!"

Re-panted and ready to rock, the team traipsed on through the wood.
"I'm convinced we're lost," Ben said, pessimistically.
"I want my dad," Jess whinged.
"Which one?" Hannah asked sarcastically.
"EITHER!" Jess exclaimed.
"What about me?" Xander asked.
"You're NOT my real dad! You're just a FREAK!"
"Well…we should be on pretty much the right route," said Batell.
"Can't you use echo-location?" Hannah asked him.
"They say the radiation can give you tumours," he said. "Didn't want to risk it."
"Is he still breathing?" Jess who sat down on the floor in protest looked up at the cushion that Otto was still holding.
"Well, he has been briefed shall we say…" Batell commented. Sure enough the Possum was wearing a multi-coloured thong.
"That was so not necessary," Batell added. "This is why I hate coming to the edges of the wood – you get some real strange blokes about."
The trees all suddenly cleared and sunlight shone down on the five travellers, one possum, one bat and a sofa gremlin. The bat squeaked a bit at Otto and flew back into the trees.
"What's the matter, Dad?" Otto called.
"Sunlight! I'm melting!"
"Here, borrow my trench coat."
Batell stuck his head out of the trees and put on the coat. "Thanks son."
They all walked out of the gate.
"Where have you guys been?!" Lion jumped out from behind a bush.
"I've got some more sandwiches for you, Lion." Otto offered him a squashed packet. "Jess sat on them but they're still pretty good."
"What flavour are these?!" Lion accepted them, hurriedly tucking into them.
"Chilli con carne, mustard and curry."
"Yummers." Lion scoffed them down in one.
"Do you think we could just phone the Wizard, make the possum squeak down the phone a bit and get him to change them back?" Xander asked. "I don't think I can be bothered to walk back through Disneyland then along that bloody road, and-"
"He wants the possum, and he wants it alive. And in person." Lee paused. "Or…in possum."
"OH, but I'm TIRED…" Jess whinged like a five-year-old.
"Oh, well, mummy can give you a piggy-back, if you want, snookums," Ben said.
"Oh, Jesus…are you going to regret saying THAT?!" Hannah laughed.
Jess jumped onto Ben's back.
"OH MY GOD! JESUS! GET OFF!!!"
Jess got off. "B*gger. Now I have to walk."
"Well, Ben's going to have to crawl, so…" said Xander, indicating to Ben, hunched double with what was probably a broken spine.
"Maybe Lion could fly us back? Eh, Lion?" For the second time in this profound book, Hannah turned around to speak to someone but they weren't there… "Lion?"
They all heard a fart behind a bush. "I'll be with you in a minute!" he called.
"We'll start walking then," Hannah shouted back.
They all trotted along a dirt-track road. Within 15 minutes they were back at the discarded cartoon characters town. But there was still no sign of Lion.
"Maybe all his vital organs fell out…" Lee thought aloud.
"We can only pray," Hannah said.
"Hey look!" Otto called over from the bookshop window. "There's a whole display on for 'Book Three'!"
"Oh yeah, what's it about?" Hannah asked.
"Apparently it's a pastiche on 'The Wizard Of Oz'."
"What's a pastiche?"
"I've never seen 'The Wizard of Oz'," commented Lion. "Is it interesting?"
"Nothing you'd dislike," said Hannah.
"Look!" continued Otto. "They have merchandise! It's a rubber Lion keyring which p*sses itself if you squash it!"
"LOVEly," said Hannah, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, Christ, look who it is," said Otto, looking ahead of them.
Timmy the Tobot was rolling towards them. "You came BACK!" he exclaimed.
"Well…uh…just a flying visit," Hannah said, uncomfortably.
"Do you want to stay for tea?"
"Uh…no, Timmy, we'd better be running along," Xander said, apologetically.
"Oh…Please," Timmy implored.
"NO," said Ben, firmly, asserting his parenting skills.
A large shotgun appeared from the top of Timmy's head.
"P L E A S E," Timmy pretty much ordered, in a loud, booming voice.
"Oh…Christ," said Ben.
There was a silence.
"RUN!" screamed Lion, piddling himself.
Hannah grabbed Jess and they dived behind a dustbin. Everyone else ran into the deserted bar and shut the door behind them apart from Otto who stood in the road for a bit, summing up whether he had a chance against an extremely tall armed robot. He gave up and scuffled over to the bar grabbing Jess and Hannah by the scruffs of their necks. They all ran up to the roof and jumped onto Lion.
"I really don't want to do this," Lee cried, jumping onto Lion despite his wants.
Lion ran off the end of the roof and although they dropped five metres they flew off and Lion dropped a not-so-nice goodbye present on Timmy.
"I'd just like to notify you all that this makes no sense in the laws of physics and biology by the way," Hannah shouted.
"You rotten b*st*rds!" screamed Timmy. "You didn't tell me you could fly! There was no talk of FLYING!"
"What's flying?"
"Shut up, Jess."

<< back to Book 3.3

� Jess and Hannah 2002