"Where are we?"
"I'm lost!"
"It's dark!"
"Oh for CHRIST'S SAKE!" Hannah shouted, "We haven't even gone through the gate yet."
"True," said the Lion, munching away as they all sat having a picnic. "It was very nice of you to specially make me these curry paste sandwiches with extra baked-beans, Otto!"
"Anytime." Otto chuckled to himself.
Spike was amusing himself by stacking as many normal sandwiches into a sandwich tower. He tried to add a fifteenth cheese and pickle sandwich but it all came toppling down on top of Xander, burying him alive.
"Let's leave him," suggested Peter.
"Good idea," agreed Lee.
There was a long silence.
"Well...we'd better get going," Hannah said, nervously. "I mean, we'll have to go in there sometime..."
"I'm SCARED," Jess said, appearing from inside the picnic hamper.
"Yes, Jess...you've summed up the general mood to a tee." Hannah said, sarcastically.
Lee began packing things back into the hamper. "Jess, you'll have to get out - I can't fit the flask in."
"Before we all go...can I just...?" Lion hopped from foot to foot.
"Oh, God...just do it out of earshot, ok?" Hannah demanded.
Otto laughed as Lion bounded off.
Lee opened the gate nervously. It creaked like an 89-year-old standing up. There were whisperings and chatterings coming from inside the wood.
"Homicidal squirrels...right?" Peter offered.
"Erm...yeah. 'Course," said Lee, unconvinced.
A large black bat flew out of the trees, stunning everyone apart from Lion, who now had the runs as well as incontinence.
The bat sat on the gate that Lee had just opened.
"Oh Christ!" He jumped back into Ben's arms.
Everyone backed off from the cocky bat who seemed to be cackling in a high-pitched, squeaky bat-like voice. The bat suddenly flung out his wings and grew into a human form, puffing out a lot of black smoke. As the smoke cleared, a bat-like man was left trying to stable himself on the thin gate. Unfortunately he fell off into a heap and jumped up as if nothing had happened.
"Who are you?" Lee asked, more confused that frightened.
The bat-man (notice the hyphen) pulled out a pair of reading spectacles from his top pocket and a piece of paper. He started talking in a professional voice, "My name is Batell, it's my duty to warn you of the dangers that lie within this wood and the risks that you are willingly submitting yourself to." He continued to read from the paper, "I as keeper of the wood, would like to acknowledge that this is your risk and if you die or get mamed - don't bother trying to sue us, since I've now officially warned you." He searched the list for anything else. "That's it." He put his spectacles away.
Otto stared, open mouthed at the man.
"What are you staring at, kiddo?"
"D...d...dad?" Otto exclaimed in disbelief.
"No, sorry, mate, my son would have to be all dressed in bl-" The man cut himself off and looked at Otto. "Well....he'd have to wear lots of black make-" He looked at Otto again. "I'd guess he'd have a ton-" Otto stuck his tongue out to reveal a shining silver stud. "OH MY GOD!" Batell vaulted over the fence and outstretched his cloak. "SON!"
"DAD!" Otto ran towards Batell and disappeared into the folds of his cloak.
"This is weird..." said Peter, scratching his head.
Jess sniffed.
"What's your bloody problem?!" Hannah asked.
"I miss my biological father...!" Jess exclaimed.
"Jess, unless you have a ticket out into a sofa in a shopping mall on the middle of an island in the Pacific, I'd say you'll have to go on missing him."
Jess sniffed again.
"Hang on!! Back up!" Hannah walked over to Otto and his Dad. "How come you can't turn into a bat then?"
Otto looked back at Hannah and smiled dreamily as if remembering a distant nostalgic memory. "We transferrers trace back to an old age and it goes down the male line-"
"A bit like stupidity..." Hannah interrupted.
Otto looked at her confused.
"Oh nevermind."
"Well, it's not just bats...with each son it's purposefully a different animal to the father before it..."
"So you can transform?" Hannah looked at Otto shocked.
"Well, yes...he is my Dad."
"Well go on then," said Peter, half amused, half disbelieving.
Otto disappeared with a puff of beige smoke and as the smoke dispersed there stood a llama with black makeup, black hooves and a nose ring.
"OH I LOVE YOU!" Hannah flung herself around his long brown furry neck.
"I love toasters," Jess proclaimed, a little overwhelmed by the whole situation (bless her).
"Yes, Jess, I'm sure you do." Ben patted her arm.
Otto changed back into a guy and Hannah let go of his neck.
"You were cuter as a llama."
"And YOU were cuter without your DAMN brain!" Otto said, angrily.
"Let's go," said Lee. They all stepped foward, and there was a "thwack!" as Peter and Spike hit something hard and invisible.
"OW!" Peter exclaimed, clutching his head.
"What the hell...?" Spike did a double back flip and a handstand.
"Oh...are you guys dead?" Batell asked.
"Um...yes."
"Dead people can't enter the Wild Wood.
"Ah."
"I can send you guys home, if you want," said Lee.
"Well...we don't have much choice, if we can't come with you," said Peter.
"Oh NO!" Jess ran over to them. "You can't go!"
"Have to," said Spike.
"Well...will you tell Uncle Graham I'm sorry there wasn't room in The Book for him, and give Dudley my love, Peter, and...say hi to Marty Feldman for me...and Peter Sellers...and Michael Bentine-" There was a flash as Lee sent Spike and Peter flying upwards - presumably to heaven (or it could have been a Russian Space Station...who knows?).
"Dammit." Jess stamped her foot.
"Will you help us through this forest, Mr Batell?" Xander asked.
"Of course...if you really want to come in."
"We have to find the magical flying possum."
"Oh right." Batell laughed hollowly.
"What?"
"Um...nothing. Good luck. See you later son." He slapped Otto on the back with a manly thump and disappeared quicker than an extremely fast squirrel with a nut...a particularly nice nut...that all the other squirrels want...so that's why he's disappearing ever so quickly. Am I taking the p*ss? Hell no.
"Well, that was charming. Shouldn't we get back to the main point of our coming here?" said Ben, pointedly coaxing Jess through the gate.
Everyone started to walk through the gate to the evil looking Wild Wood. But with all the commotion that had just gone past, nobody seemed to be scared anymore.
Suddenly Lion bounded out from the far-off bushes he had been sent to. "Hi!" he roared happily. "Did I miss anything?!"

<< back to Book 3.3

� Jess and Hannah 2002