"I'm following my feet and nothing's happening," said Jess, walking around in circles.
"It was METAPHORICAL, you IGNORAMUS!" Hannah shouted at her.
"Oh...yeah. 'Course it was."
"Jess...are you OK?" asked Peter. "I mean...I would have expected you to pick up on a simple metaphor like that..."
"Yes, do you think you need to lie down?" suggested Xander.
Jess was confused. "I'm fine..." she said. "A bit...confused, but...fine..."
"...And that concludes are tour of the wildlife of SofaLand Wetlands" said Hannah, emerging from behind some bushes dragging Ben behind her. He looked at Xander and mouthed 'HELP!'.
Jess fell over onto the ground. "Ben!" she whined. "Ben! Come here!!"
Ben, who had been involved in being dragged around by Hannah, was now trying to escape her clutches and ran to sit down by Jess.
"Oh Ben, you're such a man!" Jess exclaimed, grabbing him for a hug.
Ben was petrified still.
"You're gorgeous! And you're such a talented comedian!"
Hannah and Otto watched her with shock. "She is so fickle!"
"What does that mean?"
"Oh for God's sake, you're so ignorant!"
Meanwhile, behind the bushes, the incontinent Lion was trying to gain continence, by taking the Wizard's advice and carrying out some pelvic floor push-ups.
"Oh my GOD...guys...I think that my pelvis just fell out."
"I'll come and help you with that--" Jess tried to run behind the bush but was caught by Peter.
"What the hell's wrong with you?"
"Wow...I didn't realise dead men could be so STRONG..." Peter let go of her in shock/disgust/confusion.
"Look, I'm not sure what you think you're playing at, young lady, but if you don't start behaving yourself--" started Hannah.
"YING TONG YIDDLE I PO!" Spike suddenly shouted.
"Oh My GOD! He's right!" Lee exclaimed.
"I beg your pardon?" Hannah asked.
"He gave Hannah Jess's brain and Jess Hannah's heart!"
"Oh...I would never have guessed..." said Ben, holding a flailing Jess at arm's length.
"I ONLY WANT A CUDDLE!" she screamed.
"We've got to go back and get them changed back," said Xander.
"Agreed!" shouted Ben.
"Hey! My pelvis did fall out!" Lion rushed out from the trees and held out the evidence for all to see. Hannah fainted.
"EEWWW!" Was the general comment from everyone.
Lion fell over when he tried to walk however, then wet himself.
"Oh for crying out loud!" Hannah unfainted and commented. "You need your pelvis to move you incontinent pile of sh*t!" She fainted once more on seeing the mess.
"This is all so ridiculous." Otto proclaimed.
"Agreed," Hannah commented from her fainted state. "And I feel like writing a symphony in G minor."
"Right. We're going back. NOW," said Otto. "I need at least one person around here to talk to about Marilyn Manson.

The group struggled to the door of the Sapphire City and knocked.
"WHAT?!" The slot opened and the same face as before appeared.
"We need to see this poncy, sh*tty little wizard of yours!" Lee exclaimed.
"Lee, language, please," Hannah said, tutting.
"He's having his bottle. He can't see you."
"LOOK HERE, MR...GUARD...YOU'RE REALLY TRYING MY PATIENCE!" Hannah yelled.
Suddenly Jess leapt forward. "I say, Mr...Guard," she said. "You've got very pretty eyes..." She leant forward. "Can't I see the rest of you?"
"Erm, I don't think..."
"For ickle me? Pretty please...?"
The guard went red. "Well, I suppose, for a second..." He opened the door. Spike leapt forward with manic speed and hit the guard around the face with a convenient herring he was holding. The guard fell to the ground.
"Good one, mate." Lee gave Spike a high-five.
"You know...I find your wackiness rather appealing..." Jess cooed.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Ben. "Get them inside - RUN!"

<< back to Book 3.2

� Jess and Hannah 2002