"I think we killed this piglet," said Hannah.
"Bagsy it's bones," said Otto, who could do with some new earrings.
"Where's Graham?" Jess asked, looking around.
"He must of got left behind. Never mind. Frankly there were too many people in this book anyway," said Hannah.
"HEY! LOOK!" Lee pointed ahead.
They all saw a huge congregation of buildings, all gleaming sparking blue.
"The Sapphire City!" yelled Lion.
"We made it!"
"The blue clashes horribly with the purple road, doesn't it?" Jess whispered to Peter.
"Yeay! I rock!!" Hannah cried leaping for joy. "Where would we be if it wasn't for me?!" She danced around.
"On the other side of that bloody great bush I should think." Xander pointed his thumb behind him.
"Yo, where's Lion?" Otto suddenly said.
A small voice drifted from the bramble bushes behind them, "Sorry. I've never travelled by cow before."

By the time Lion had finished behind the brambles, everyone had finished devouring the piglet and Otto now had a pig bone necklace.
"Looks just like Star Wars," Hannah commented.
"Yeah, we had to acquire copyright because George Lucas kept stealing our architecture ideas," Lee said, getting up.
"Shall we go then?" Otto said.
"I don't get it," Hannah whined. "Usually it's me with all the men...and famous ones too. Not just random unknown men. But look, she's got all the men!" Hannah pulled the notepad out of her back trouser pocket and noted down, 'get men', and then followed it in brackets, '(famous ones)'.
"Well, to be fair...one of them was pretty much family..."
"Eh?" Hannah asked.
"Uncle Graham?"
Hannah sighed. "I'm tired of discussing your bizarre links with the Monty Python team, Jess."
"Well, he's gone, now."
"Thank God. I'm losing track of the characters in this Godforsaken story."
The group turned to face the Sapphire City.
"Shall we go, then?" said Lee.
"Might as well," said Hannah, keeping her eyes open for famous movie/rock stars along the sides of the road. "But NO SINGING this time, OK?"
"WILL YOU LOT WAIT?!" Lion came bounding out from the bushes. "What is it with you guys? Do you have bladders of STEEL?"

The crew reached the cobalt blue door of the Sapphire City. Hannah knocked on the door twice. A small hole appeared in the door as it was slid open and a face appeared.
"What?"
"Hi...we're here to see the Wizard of SofaLand?"
"He's washing his hair." The shutter began to slide across.
"Oi! Hang on!" said Hannah.
The shutter opened again. "WHAT?"
"That's not good enough. We've been following that bloody road for ages, and we want to see this poncy Wizard!"
"Ooooooh!!" The door unlocked and swung open. "He'll be out in five minutes."
"Do you have a toilet?"

15 minutes later they were all sat at the dining table in the Wizard of SofaLand's house. The servant who had answered the door was now running around fetching tea for everyone but Otto who demanded vodka shots.
"Where the hell is he?" Ben moaned, kicking his legs backwards and forwards from the high stool he was sitting at.
"Is he gonna be like Gandalf the Grey with really long grey hair, pointed hat and a big beard?" Hannah asked everyone, but no-one replied.
"Kill me now," sighed Otto.
Jess, who was drinking tea out of a bone china tea cup, dropped it by mistake because she was so knackered. "Oh f*ck*ng mother of b*ll*cks!" she exclaimed.
Everyone at the table turned to look at her.
"LOOK - I'M tired...I can't be bothered to repress the urge to swear any-" She cut out as she fell asleep; smacking her head on the table as she fell forward.
"Is she asleep, unconscious or dead?" asked Hannah. Spike and Peter caught her eye. "Oh...sorry, dead people..."
Suddenly there was a bang as the huge doors opened. Everyone but Jess stood up.
"Welcome, weary travellers!" Came a rather small voice.
"Who said that?!" asked Xander.
"Me! Down here!"
They all looked down at the base of the doorframe. A very small boy with a large pointed wizard's hat which fell down over most of his face was standing there.
"Who are you?" asked Peter.
"I am the Wizard of--"
"Yeah, OK, little guy, is your DAD in?" asked Hannah.
Spike laughed.
"How DARE you? I am the Wizard of SofaLand!"
"Yeah, and I'm Portuguese... where's your Dad?" Hannah said.
"I don't have one."
"Oh you poor misguided child, no wonder you have an inferiority complex," Xander sighed.
"Now, cut the crap. Where's your Dad?" Ben asked.
"I don't have a Dad. I am the first born generations of the Wizard of SofaLand!" the boy cried, his hat now covering his chin.
"Yeah, whatever squirt," Otto said.
"I know what underpants you're wearing," the boy replied.
"God! What is it with you people?!"
"They're the same as mine," the boy said, ignoring Otto's exasperation.
"Eh?"
"Thomas the Tank E-"
"OK, OK! You're the Wizard..." Otto went red.
"So, how can I assist you all?" the boy said.
"We have a list..." Hannah got the paper from her pocket and read the list: "Brain...heart..."
"I DON'T NEED A HEART!" Jess raised her head from the table to speak then let it fall again with a smack as it hit the table.
"...continence, two slates to fix the purple slate road, and some men." Hannah paused. "Oh, yeah, and we'd like to go home, too, if that's OK."
The Wizard of SofaLand pushed his hat back off his face and looked stunned. "Oh."
"Oh?" said Hannah. "What does that mean?"
"Well...that's a lot to ask."
"Well..." Hannah thought. Vital bodily organs, bodily functions, a ticket home and teenage lust - what was dispensable?
"OK. Forget about the going home bit," she concluded.
"No. Forget about the men," said Xander.
"The heart - Jess doesn't need that!" Ben exclaimed.
"Hannah doesn't really need a brain," Otto commented. "She's just confused."
"I'm not confused! I'm just trying to think! I need a brain!"
"No she doesn't. She'll get over it," Otto said, pushing Hannah back.
"I'm not getting over it!" Hannah cried.
"She's confused."
"She's...I'm confused over the issue that I'm not confused!"
"No you're confused because you are confused because he's confusing you and if you get confused by a little kid, you're very confuscious! Now where's my vodka!?" Otto erupted.
"Look, I'll just do this because you," Pointing at Hannah, "Obviously don't have a brain, but have a heart, and you," Pointing at Jess, "Have a brain and don't have a heart. So..." The little boy held out his wand at the two and raised his voice. "KAZZAM!"
"Oh, and what's that wand made out of? Plastic?" Jess snapped, scornfully, rising from the table.
"Leave him alone, it's not worth it," Hannah said.
"Freaky little Harry Potter FREAK," Jess muttered.
The Wizard of SofaLand gave a knowing smile before turning back to the others. "What else did you all want?"
"Erm..." Spike tried to remember the rest of the list. "There were two slates missing in the--"
"Oh, THAT." The Wizard shrugged. "We needed a couple of slates to replace some broken tiles on the roof."
"Oh...and here's me thinking that damn road was important," Lee muttered.
"Nah...it was just for decoration," the Wizard said.
"I want continence!" Lion squeaked, coming out from behind a sofa.
"Oh, that's easy," the Wizard said. "Try pelvic floor exercises every day. Works wonders."
Lion nodded, confused, and ran back behind the sofa.
"I believe the last thing was we all got to go home?" Xander said.
"Right. Lift up your foot."
"Which one?" Xander looked confused.
"Either - both if it takes your fancy," the wizard boy replied.
"Oh no," moaned Jess.
"Home's under your foot," the Wizard said. "Follow them and you'll get back home."
"That's bull!" Jess exclaimed.
"Either way, get out of my house. I'm letting the guards out in five." The boy walked out and slammed the door behind him.
"YOU LITTLE GIT!!" Jess screamed. "Go and rip him up Otto, since you're so big and muscly." Jess stroked his upper arm, making Otto jump five miles.
"Oh, stop being such a fanciful, aberrant, nincompoop and vacate the building Hans, I mean, Jess," Hannah said storming out. After a minute she popped her head back round the door to say, "Come on Ben. I feel like discussing the advantages and disadvantages of global warming on deers."
"Something is distinctly wrong here..." Jess said, frowning.
"What?" asked Otto.
"Ah, I dunno." Jess shrugged.
They walked out.

<< back to Book 3.2

� Jess and Hannah 2002