"Oh my God!!"
"I hope you need me this time Lee, otherwise I'll be particularly annoyed. You've caught me in the middle of milking time."
"Very sorry your holiness, but we have a slight problem." Lee talked to the cow in the cloud.
"What? For crying out loud Lee, get on with it!" Bertrude snapped.
"Uh...your holiness, there's a small gap in the road."
There was a faint thud as Bertrude fainted in the cloud.
"She took that well then," Hannah said. "Look, I can sort this out," she commented. She pulled out a mobile phone and typed in number. "Hi, Dylan?...Yeah, yeah, slight problem here...yeah, there's a gap in the purple slate road-...How did you...? oh, ok. Yeah, yeah! You're right! Thanks, Dylan!" Hannah put down the phone.
"And?" Lee asked.
"He doesn't know."
"Ok, how about..." Peter picked a couple of purple flowers from the side of the road and placed them in the gap. Then he stamped them down. "There. You'd never know."
"I don't think it's the cosmetic side of this problem they're worried about, Pete," Jess said.
"I bet I know who's behind this," said Lee, looking angry.
"Who is it? Is it Natalie Imbruglia? Is it? Is it her? It's Natalie Imbruglia, isn't it?"
"No!" Lee shouted. "Jesus, you've got a one track mind."
"So who is it?" asked Spike, before doing a backflip.
"The Wicked Witch of the North."
"ESTELLE MORRIS!?" everyone exclaimed.
"NO!" Lee shouted. "She's the Wicked Witch of the EAST."
"And the Wicked Witch of the West is...?" Graham asked.
"It's-"
"It's Natalie Imbruglia!" cried Hannah.
"No. It's Hannah." Jess chipped in.
"It's-"
"Hang on. We know the Wicked Witch of the West is Cherie Blair. She was the one with the poppy seed/opium problem."
"Oh yeah," said Lee.
"What were we arguing against?" said Otto, highly confused.
"Ok. Back up. Back up. The Wicked Witch of the West is Cherie Blair, the East is Estelle Morris and the North is...?" Hannah trailed off.
"Hannah." Jess put in.
"No. The Wicked Witch of the North is..."
Everyone held their breath.
"Uh..." Lee stuttered.
"You've forgotten, haven't you?" Otto said.
"Oh don't be such an imbecile, you idiot," Jess snapped. "Spit it out Lee."
"It's...uh...I don't know whether I should tell you - it'll tarnish her reputation."
"Oh please. Her reputation has gotta be tarnished enough for her to take up the role of the Wicked Witch of the North...I mean, what kind of life has she got?" Ben said.
Jess, who was knitting an outfit for Monkey, looked up. "I'm past caring," she said, matter-of-factly.
"Well, are you going to tell us?" asked Peter.
"Actually...I have forgotten," said Lee, after a pause.
Everyone groaned.
"Sorry! You all chipped in suggestions and stuff and it just..." He passed a hand over his head.
"How can a name fly?"
"I meant that it was over my head..." Lee started. "It's just a turn of phrase."
"Can we get going, please?" Hannah asked, impatiently. "LION! Will you hurry up in there?!" The incompetent and incontinent lion called back from the nearest bush.
"Alright! Give me a second!"
"What are we going to do about the hole in the road?" asked Otto (not that he was that bothered; purple was a gay colour, anyway).
"We should keep heading for the Sapphire City," said Hannah. "And we'll tell the Wizard of SofaLand about the missing slates. We'll add it to the list." She pulled a scrap of paper and a pen from her pocket.
"Get home...get brain...get heart..." She started to write at the end of her list, "And tell...about...slates." She put the pen and paper back in her pocket.
"Fantastically!" Spike cried, clapping. He ran off down the purple slate road, tripped in the gap and fell flat on his face.
Otto groaned. "You're all insane."

"Jess finished knitting a small jacket to match with the mini-corduroy trousers for Monkey and fitted them on him.
"There!" She held him out and admired him.
"Beautiful," said Ben unenthusiastically. "You want me to talk for him?" He took a hold of Monkey and put his hands around his jaw. "Yes, Jess, you really are the best knitter on this road."
"Sorry, Ben, but you're not really...MONKEY."
"Of course I bloody am! I did his voice!"
"Well, I guess in the adverts I couldn't see you...I just saw Monkey, talking."
"Would it be better if I ran behind the nearest tree and threw my voice?!" Ben said, sarcastically. He stepped off the path and disappeared behind a tree.
"OI! Get your own tree!" came Lion's voice.
Ben emerged, red-faced.
Peter and Graham laughed hysterically.
"That was something no man should ever had to have seen," Ben commented glassy-eyed.
"I think we must be nearly there," said Hannah. "And this slope seems to be...sloping...less..." No sooner than she had said this, than they all stopped dead as a huge bramble thicket blocked the path of the Purple Slate Road.
"Oh...fiddlesticks," said Xander.
A random pink cow walked past. "Oooh!" squealed Hannah.
"Oh dear God no!" Jess exclaimed. "No Hannah. No! Bad girl! Bad girl!!"
"Oh come on! Let's go! We can at least try!"
"But what's the point of going to a random sofa?" Ben asked.
"Well, the chances are that where there's a sofa, there will be another one, or an armchair in the room we go into. Then it's a 50/50 chance that that other cow or pig is on the other side of that bush."
"We're not listening, are we Monkey?" Jess talked to the wool creature in her arms. "No we're not. She's a mad girl, a mad mad mad girl."
"Hang on...what are the chances that there is going to be a cow or pig or weird creature on the other side?" Xander asked.
"Oh, who gives a sh*t. Let's go." Hannah ran up to the cow, dragging Jess behind her.

Jess struggled out of the sofa.
"No, we won't go. She's a nasty, mad--" She looked around. "Oh. B*ll*cks."
The others emerged behind her.
"Right...where are we?" Lee, who had been sulking for some time, piped up.
"Well, I dunno." said Hannah, moodily. She looked around. "There's an armchair over there." The others all looked over. They saw a very small, pink armchair.
"That's a KID'S chair!" exclaimed Ben.
"And?" Hannah started towards it.
"We'll never all fit down there," Jess said.
"We will!"
"I won't!"
"Then you can stay here!" Hannah poked her head down the back of the chair and wriggled her shoulders in. "GIVE ME A PUSH, OTTO!" she called from inside the chair. Otto pushed her down and followed right behind her.
"I always said he had his head up her arse." Jess muttered.
"Shut up and get in," muttered Graham.

<< back to Book 3.2

� Jess and Hannah 2002