"Oh...hi...Steve..." Ben stepped closer to Xander for security.
"I don't suppose you'd like to take me back to Earth, would you?"
"Well...we'd like to, Steve, honestly, we would..." said Xander. "But...um..."
"We already promised...um..."
"STALIN!" Xander exclaimed. Ben looked at him, aghast.
"Stalin?"
"STALIN! We promised him we'd bring him back...sorry, mate."
Steve was furious. "I gave you a break in films, Ben, you back-stabbing b*st*rd!"
"Actually, I'd been in films before you employed me."
"Well...whatever!"
God suddenly stepped out of the clouds.
"How does he do that?" Jess asked Spike Milligan, who made a strange warbling noise and fell silent.
"The storm has passed." God declared. "You may now return to your quest." He clapped his hands, and there was a flash.

"You dropped a cow on her!"
"YEY!" Jess opened her eyes to see several tremendously tall men and women leaping for joy around her.
"What?!"
"You killed the evil witch of sofa-land!"
"We killed Estelle Morris?" Lee asked.
"Yes! Hooray!" The tall people danced around them.
"Who are you?" Jess asked.
"We are the munchkins!" one of them declared.
"Aren't you meant to be really short?" Hannah asked.
"NO!" One of them laughed.
Jess looked around and nearly jumped out of her skin. Behind her were standing Spike Milligan, Peter Cook and Graham Chapman.
"ARRGH!" Jess nearly fell over.
"You know, you look like an old friend of mine," Graham Chapman said to Jess.
"I know. My father."
"Your father?! The sneaky b*st*rd!" Graham exclaimed.
"Oh Christ! Not more?!" Hannah said to Jess, looking at the three men beside Jess. "I was having a nice chat with Kurt Cobain - I could have brought him back!"
"Hmm...well," Otto said. "That would have been interesting. But who the hell are these three?"
Jess growled and turned to three, once-dead comedians, wondering how to introduce them. "Well," she started. "This is Spike Milligan...he founded contemporary comedy via 'The Goon Show' between the years 1950 and 1959..." She moved on, "This is Peter Cook - originally a member of the 'Beyond The Fringe' team who founded political satire in the 1960's and then went on to form a successful partnership with fellow Fringe member Dudley Moore..." Jess came to the end of the line, "And this is Graham Chapman, member of the Monty Python team in the 60's through to the 80's..."
"You must know Michael Palin, then," said Hannah.
"Shut it!" Jess exclaimed, embarrassed.
"Well, you three can join us, if you want to - we're travelling to the Sapphire City to ask the Wizard of Sofa Land to send us home, give me a brain and get Jess a heart..."
"I've GOT a heart!" Jess protested.
"So...if you feel like coming...? I'm sure there'll be many jolly japes and scrapes along the way. There usually is." Hannah took a breath whilst waiting for a reply.
They all slowly nodded in agreement.
"Right, let's go then."

They all ambled along with little energy, apart from Spike Milligan who was practically bursting with the stuff.
"Is he insane?!" Hannah whispered at Jess, who, about to strike Hannah down for insulting him, instead said simply:
"Why yes, he is."
Hannah stopped walking and stared at Jess in shock.
Otto bumped into her from behind. "Oi!" they both said in unison, but in realising that it was each other didn't mind.
"You know, you look familiar..." Hannah started.
"Excuse me?"
"Familiar. You."
"Yeah, I heard you first time. You have been with me for the past week...or God knows what!?" Otto said.
"No. I mean when I first met you. I didn't say anything. But, you did." Suddenly Hannah's eyes lit up.
"What?"
"You were in the Marilyn Manson video for 'Tainted Love'!"
Otto nodded. "And?" He sounded unimpressed.
"You were wearing an 'Ain't Nothin' But A Goth Thing' t-shirt!" Hannah continued excitedly.
"And?"
"Can I borrow it?"

The motley crew were just getting into the swing of things when they came to the edge of a big wood-like area.
"Uh oh," said Xander. "I don't like the look of this."
"What are you all waiting for?" asked Otto, happy to be back in the darkness where he belonged.
"I don't want to go in there...it's dark!" Jess squeaked.
Spike imitated her and laughed maniacally.
"Well...we could go around," said Peter.
"No way!" said Hannah "We were told to follow this stupid road and I, for one, don't want to get lost."
"If we stick together, we'll be fine," said Lee, although he didn't sound convinced.
The two girls, five comedians, one goth and a gremlin began to walk into the darkness.
"What if there are wolves?" asked Jess.
"What if there are wild dogs?" asked Ben.
"What if there are more munchkins?!" asked Peter.
"Wolves and wild dogs and munchkins...oh my!" they all exclaimed.
Suddenly there was a loud growl and a lion leapt in front of them.
"ARRGH!" Spike leapt into Jess' arms just as she leapt into Peter's.
"Who the hell are you?!" Hannah exclaimed, hiding behind Otto.
"Are you the cowardly lion?" asked Graham.
"No...I'm the incontinent lion," he replied.
"Oh, that's what that smell is, I thought it was Jess who'd s*t herself again," Hannah said.
Jess didn't reply because her, Spike and Peter were lying in a heap on the ground.
Hannah assumed they'd fainted, but actually they'd knocked themselves out.
Hannah looked back at the lion and was about to say something when he interrupted, "Oh, could you excuse me, please?" And leapt behind the nearest bush.
Spike, Peter and Jess had already come around by the time he leapt back. "So, where were we?"
"Uh, you were growling at us and some people were sh*tting themselves, including you," Otto commented.
"I DID NOT!" Jess shouted. "You disgusting thing!"
The lion growled.
"Not you." Jess put up her hand. "Him!" She pointed at Otto who had just lit up a cigarette.
The lion growled louder.
"I said, not you!" Jess said.
Suddenly the lion ran behind the bush again.
"This is clearly getting repetitive," Hannah said. "Mr Lion, could you please tell us if there are any wolves, wild dogs or munchkins in this wood?" Hannah shouted behind the bush.
"No...it's just me!" He came back onto the path. "Where are you going, anyway?"
"We're going to The Sapphire City to: a) get home, b) get me a brain and c) get Jess a--"
"I'VE GOT A HEART!" Jess screamed. She grabbed Graham and shoved his ear to her chest. "CAN YOU HEAR IT?!"
"Erm...yes..." he said.
"Well, anyway, that's where we're going. Hopefully this wizard of SofaLand guy can do all that."
"Do you think...do you think he could give me continence?" the Lion asked.
"Who knows. It's worth a try," said Hannah. "And if he can't...I'm sure there'll be a supermarket where we can get some nappies."
"Can I come, then?" said the Lion.
"Sure," said Hannah.
They all set off.
"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of SofaLand..."
"That doesn't fit."
"Too many syllables."
"We're off to see the Wiz...the wonderful Wiz of-"
"Could you excuse me for a moment...?"

<< back to Book 3.1

� Jess and Hannah 2002