The sofa Hannah popped her head out from was pure white and almost shone with a glint of silver.
"Where are we?" she asked.
"Move your fat arse and I'll see!" Jess' muffled voice came from somewhere behind her.
Hannah clambered out and onto the sofa, closely followed by Jess. The room they were in was completely white.
"Where is this?" inquired Otto, wincing at the amount of white (and absence of black) in the room.
"Where do you think?" asked Lee, clambering over the arm of the sofa. "Who's sofa are you likely to visit if you chose the oracle cow?"
"Oh, sweet mother of Jesus." Hannah looked around fearfully.
Xander and Ben emerged from the sofa.
"This is weird..." Ben observed.
Suddenly a man walked past.
"Oh my God!" hissed Jess to Hannah.
"What?"
"That's Peter Cook!"
"So?"
"He died in 1995!"
Hannah looked at the guy. "That'd be why he has wings, then...?"
"I can't believe I'm in a place I don't even believe in..." Jess muttered.
"Oh my God!" Hannah cried.
"Where?" Ben laughed at his ability to make people laugh.
"There!!" Hannah pointed over at a large guy with a beard.
"B*gger," muttered Ben.
"THE WORDS OF HELL WILL NOT BE UTTERED HERE!!" came the voice of the guy with the beard (God).
"Oh b*ll*cks!" Otto screamed.
Everyone held their breath for God's stern voice but it didn't come.
"Hey, God! Why can Otto swear then?!" Hannah shouted.
"Because that is his idea of heaven," God replied in a calming voice. "And yes, Hannah, I do know everything you're thinking. They're white y-fronts."
Hannah went red and looked away.
"Well...we're most dreadfully sorry we emerged from the back of your sofa..." Xander started.
"Oh, that's fine," said God, his voice booming. "It wouldn't be the first time."
"We'd better be going back...with any luck the tornado will have stopped by now," Lee said.
"Wait!" Jess was looking around like a manic meerkat.
"Jess, I know exactly who you're looking for and they're DEAD, so give it a rest..." Hannah muttered.
"Mr God...?" Jess began. "I would like to locate a few people before I leave...?"
"Well, the tornado will go on for another hour or so, so you might as well all have a look around," God said.
"How do you know?!" Hannah exclaimed.
"I started it."
"Oh..."

Hannah had been having a long, long conversation with Kurt Cobain...they were now talking about the littering of the clouds. Jess was, quite literally, in heaven, and had caught up with Dick Emery, Kenny Everett and Peter Cook and was now making a beeline for Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers.
"Well, well, well."
Hannah heard a voice behind her. It was Steve Coogan. "Oh, Lord, what are you doing here?"
"You didn't get me medical assistance when your little friend pushed me off the dragon in Book One and I died!"
"Oh boo-hoo. How upsetting. I'm sorry, but you deserved it! Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to talk to Kurt Cobain here." Hannah turned back to Kurt and tried to start up a conversation about grunge when Steve interrupted.
"Look, it's terrible up here! I have no friends! It's not meant to be this way!"
"It's fate! Of course it is!" Hannah emphatically said.
"But it's hell!"
"Maybe this is hell for you. You were a right arrogant b*st*rd back on Earth."
Steve almost fell over as the ground shook because Hannah had sworn.
"You've got to take me back with you," Steve pleaded.
"How?"
"Look."
Steve pointed at a big plaque on the wall that read, 'Any living person/s in heaven can take three dead persons back to Earth with them. Groups are not permitted to take more than five with them.'
"Look, Steve, frankly, I'd rather bring Hitler back with us than you."
"Oh, BUT HANNAH!"
"NO! Now pi-- erm...buzz off and leave me alone."
Steve looked around. Jess was deep in conversation with Spike Milligan and Graham Chapman. Otto was busy playing air guitar with Jimi Hendrix...Lee was sitting on the sofa impatiently...aha!
"BEN, XANDER, HI!" Steve ran over.

<< back to Book 3.1

� Jess and Hannah 2002