"What are you doing back so soon?" Lee asked, as Hannah and Otto bounced on a pig and hit the floor.
"Jess was about to kill Otto. I thought it would be safest to come back here," said Hannah.
"Oh, so how is Jess going to explain to Ben and Alex that you disappeared down the back of the armchair?" Lee asked. "You really are stupid."
"How...how did you know about..." started Hannah in shock.
"I'm the Sofa Gremlin," said Lee. "I see and know all."
"You can't know everything," scoffed Otto.
"You're wearing a blue pair of Thomas The Tank Engine pants," Lee informed him.
"Bloody hell, you do know everything."
Suddenly there was a thud behind them as Jess, Ben and Alex landed.
"What are you doing here?" Hannah asked.
"You try explaining how two people disappeared down the back of a sofa," Jess said.
"She's got a point," Otto said to Hannah.
"Shut up Tank boy," Hannah said. "How the hell do you think they're gonna get back?" she asked Jess, gesturing at Ben and Alex. "We killed a pig, and you killed a cow.
"There's a pig left," Jess replied.
"She's got a point," Otto said.
"SHUT UP!" Hannah screamed.
Suddenly the bright blue sky above them darkened, to a dark blue sky with stars shining and a large moon with a face appeared in it. After a few seconds of darkness the seven trees dotted around the edges of the field lit up with fairy lights in them.
"Ahhhh," everyone said.
"I'm overtired," Hannah grumbled like a little girl.
"Where are you going to sleep?" Jess asked proving one too many points for Hannah.
"She's got a poi--"
"SHUT UP!!"
"I suggest we all get some rest - things will look better in the morning," said Lee.
"Where are we again?" Alex asked, confused.
"You are in Sofa Land! Welcome!" Hannah said, sarcastically.
"I'll take you to the Sweet Slumber Hotel. It's just through those trees," said Lee.
"Oh, and I suppose it's run by chickens, is it?!" Hannah exclaimed, sarcastically.
"Don't be so stupid!" chuckled Lee. "It's horses."
"Oh, dear God."

The Sweet Slumber Hotel was a very tall, old fashioned building, curiously painted pastel yellow. They walked inside to see a horse wearing spectacles sitting behind the reception desk.
"Hello, Jane," said Lee cheerfully.
"Oh, hello, Lee," the horse replied, looking up from her paperwork. "How are you?"
"Not bad, thanks," Lee said. "I need some rooms for these guys." He indicated to the five open-mouthed travellers.
"No problem." Jane tapped the computer keys with her hooves. "Third floor, Rooms seven to eleven. Enjoy your stay!"
"Oh my God," Hannah said.
"Where?" Ben repeated again.
"SHUT UP!!"
And with that, Hannah fell asleep in front of everyone and the horse.

The next morning dawned horsey with breakfast being served by a stallion. Everyone met at the breakfast table in the wild west style cafe.
"What's the day today?" Hannah asked nobody in particular.
"A good comedy programme hosted by Chris Morris," Jess answered. "Steve Coogan was in that."
"Yes and so was Patrick Marber, but I want to know what the date is," Hannah said again.
"Here's the paper," Lee said walking in and handing her 'The Sofa Times'.
Hannah started reading aloud from it, "'Four cows and a pig were squashed yesterday in the biggest squashing session in the history of all time.'"
"Oops," said Jess, going red.
"I hope we're not in trouble," said Xander (Alexander), looking at Lee for reassurance.
"Nah," said Lee. "The cows are hardly in demand now...not since the whole PPB thing."
"PPB?" Ben asked.
"Psycho Pink Bovine disease. No-one wanted our Beef."
"Shame," said Otto, who personally preferred bat heads.
"So, what shall we do today?" Hannah asked, as a horse clutching a wicker basket of hot cross buns in its mouth trotted up and dropped its wares on their table.
"Thanks, Kate!" Lee called as she cantered off.
"I think job one will be to get back to your house," Jess said.
Lee looked up. "Oh, well, you could always follow the purple slate road."
"Follow the purple slate road?" repeated Jess.
"Follow--"
"Follow?"
"Follow..."
"Follow?"
"Follow the purple slate road?"
"YES!" yelled Lee. "Jesus, what's wrong with you?"
"Oh God!" Hannah said for around the twentieth time in the book so far. "Look, if there are any more weird, wacky or wonderful things here in Sofa Land, could you just tell us now?!"
Lee thought for a while. "I don't think there's anything else."
"Good. Let's just go." Jess cut the conversation.

The five sofa travellers, the Sofa Gremlin and a random pig walked up the sure enough purple slate road.
"I must say, it's done very well. Who constructed it?" Xander enquired as they ambled towards a small fence at the end of the road.
"The horses. They're very nimble with their hooves despite what you'd assume," Lee replied.
As they got closer to the fence, they noticed that it was just a wicker fence squaring off a square of lush green grass with a purple cow and an old man with a stick of wheat hanging out the corner of his mouth.
"What's this?" Otto asked, beginning to believe that he'd taken LSD sometime in the past day.
"This is the oracle."
"What, that old, decrepit man?"
"No," replied Lee. "He's just Harvey who looks after the oracle - Bertrude."
"Isn't it supposed to be 'Gertrude'?!" Hannah raised an eyebrow.
If you were a hermaphrodite cow would you want a name like 'Gertrude'?" Lee asked, scornfully.
Hannah scowled.
"Oh, great Oracle, we come to drink the sweet, succulent nectar of you fountain of knowledge!" Lee fell down on his knees.
The cow turned around and looked at Lee, before saying, "Oh, get up, Lee, you silly s*d." In a kindly Yorkshire accent.
"This is f*ck*ng insane," Hannah whispered to Otto.
"Can I help you?" Bertrude continued.
"Yes, Bertrude - these guys want to go back home."
"Actually, while I'm here, a brain would be nice," said Hannah. "And, let's face it - old frigid pants over her could do with some lovin'...she'd benefit from a heart."
Bertrude chewed a mouthful of grass and said, "You must travel to the Sapphire City and talk to the Wizard of Sofa Land."
"Oh...my...GOD." Hannah snorted and turned away.
"How do we get there?" asked Jess.
"Just...follow the purple slate road!" Bertrude said in a sing-song voice.
Hannah simply burst into tears. "I can't take it anymore!" she cried jumping into Otto's tattooed arms.
"Oh Lee, I do think we over-stimulate the young ones." Bertrude said.
Lee nodded glumly.
"Hannah, do you want to go home or not?" Jess asked.
Hannah stopped crying and sniffed a little. "Take me home Bertrude," she ordered.
"I've got a headache," muttered Ben.
"Ok," sighed Bertrude. "But you are aware that the second you go back home, you can never return to Sofa Land," she warned.
"Oh boo-hoo," said Otto sarcastically.
"Hey!" said Jess. "How come we fell through in the first place? When we go home - if we push ourselves through the sofa, we'll return!"
Lee and Bertrude looked at each other. "We're rumbled you silly idiot. I told you that this would happen with the smart ones. Just follow the purple slate road and fire your awkward questions at the Wizard," Bertrude said. "Now...if you'd excuse me...I have things to do." Bertrude turned around and began to produce a lovely big cowpat.

"This is crap," Hannah moaned as they walked along the purple slate road. "I've seen this movie...and I'm not walking all the way to some stupid city just so some gay wizard can tell me I had a brain all along and home is under my shoe, or something."
"This is just weird," commented Otto. "It's like you're Dorothy or something."
"Yeah, and you're Toto," Jess added.
"So why are we going to see the Wizard?" Ben asked.
"I have no idea," replied Jess.
Suddenly a huge tornado came out of nowhere and approached them from the front.
"Oh sh*t!" said Otto.
They all turned and ran back down the purple slate road, back towards Bertrude.
"They said tornadoes were likely today!" Hannah shouted above the wind, ducking when cows flew past.
"Who said?"
"'The Sofa Times'."
They ran full pelt back towards the oracle, jumped the small fence and stuck their hands on her side.
"Say it Lee! Say it!" they all screamed.
"Oh...! Alright!" Lee hurried up to Bertrude's side. "Powers of chickens, all come to me, take us to the nearest settee!"
There was a huge flash.

<< back to Book 3.1

� Jess and Hannah 2002