"Ooh… STYLISH," said Hannah sarcastically, as they emerged from the back of a cream armchair into a room predominately decorated with pine.
"It's lovely!" said Jess, wriggling out from between the cushions. "Very antique… I like it."
Otto and Hannah squeezed out after her.
"The cream… it's too BRIGHT! I'm melting!" Otto threw one of the flaps of his long black coat over his face.
"Oh, grow up, you attention-seeking mediocrity."
Otto was silenced but remained behind his coat.
Jess was just inspecting the beautiful oak dresser when a voice behind her said, "Oi! What do you think you're doing in here, you common oiks?!"
Jess turned. A guy wearing corduroys, a dinner jacket and tie was standing there. From the way he was looking at Otto, it was clear he was a severe snob.
Jess was in love.
"I'm not an oik… Jess, what's an oik?" Hannah turned to Jess. "Jess? JESS?"
"Be quiet, Hannah," Jess replied, not breaking eye-contact with the man.
"Oh." Hannah thought suddenly out loud. "Excuse me Mr… but are you a comedian?"
"No," he replied, with perfect comic timing.
"Oh… OK, then. Jess? It's not whoever you think it is." Hannah told her friend, who was still dazed.
"I don't think it's anyone," Jess said. "But I DO think we're intruding – I'm very sorry," she said to the man. "My name is Jess… Jessica. Whichever you would prefer." She flashed a winning smile and the man took her hand.
"Nice to meet you, Jessica."
"What language are they talking in?" Otto and Hannah were watching Jess and the stranger's interactions completely baffled.
"I don't know," Hannah answered Otto's question. "It could be Ye Olde English because Jess reads a lot of books in that."
"This is Hannah, and this is…" Jess paused and turned to Otto. "What is 'Otto' short for?" she hissed.
"Nothing," he replied.
"It doesn't matter who this is," Jess concluded.
"Alexander," the guy introduced himself. "Now… how did you get into my house?"
"We came out of the—" Jess silenced Hannah by pushing her over so her head was swallowed by the huge squishy armchair.
"We just got lost. Really… I'm so…" Jess ransacked her internal thesaurus. Mad? No. Crazy? No… "ABERRANT!" Jess squeaked. "I'm… so… aberrant!" She came to a halt.
"You look a bit crazy to me," said Alexander with a smile.
Jess moaned in defeat.
"You also look as if you require a good cup of tea!" he added.
Otto looked up. "Do you have any Stella Artois?"
Jess gave up.

"So."
"So." Hannah put her tea cup on its Wedgewood saucer to match and looked at Alexander.
"Talk to me," she said to Otto, who was sitting opposite her on the table.
"Hi," Otto replied.
"Is that IT?" Hannah said, exasperated.
"Well, what do you expect me to say?"
"I don't know…" Hannah trailed off. "Why can't we talk like they can… you know, use language like they do. Like, have an empathetic, onomatopoeic conversation…"
"You don't even know what that means – you just caught it off them." Otto gestured a thumb at Alexander, sitting next to him, and Jess, sitting next to Hannah.
"Yeah." Hannah lowered her head and stared at her cup… a poncy cup, she thought.
Jess, or now Jessica, looked at her cup… lovely bone china, she thought.
"So… the house…" Jess tried to think of something to say. "It's… nice… erm… picturesque, rather."
"It's OK," said Alexander.
Did the gentry use 'OK'? Jess made a mental note to look it up.
"It's rather big for one person… and a little two grand."
"It only cost two grand?!" Hannah asked, suddenly picking up on the conversation.
"Actually, it cost one and a half million, but you were partially eavesdropping on our conversation, so you are forgiven for the mistake," Alexander said with a smirk.
Hannah retreated back to her stop-start conversation with Otto.
"So… Alexander—" Jess continued.
"Oh, call me Alex. 'Alexander' is FRIGHTFULLY long-winded."
"OH…" Jess paused. "In that case… you can call me 'Jess'."
"I feel sick," Hannah moaned from the other side of the room. "Eew."
"Have another biscuit," Otto advised. "Oi! Alex!" he called down to Jess and her new found companion. "What the hell's in these things?"
"Caviar."
Hannah ran out to the nearest toilet.

That night at eight, Jess, Otto, Hannah and Alex sat on two comfy armchairs and a small sofa. Hannah, who was sitting next to Jess on the settee, turned to her at one point during the Channel Four news and said, "Are we staying the night?"
Jess shrugged. "I don't even know any more."
"Alex?" Hannah called. "Where are we?"
Alex looked surprised at the question. "Buckinghamshire."
"Oh." Hannah looked crestfallen. "We're nowhere near home."
"Have you got another of those alcoholic things?" Otto asked Alex.
"Canada Dry and Gin?"
"Yeah… that thing."
Alex left the room.
"Can we go back?" Hannah asked Jess.
"I recognise him from somewhere…" Jess muttered. "But I just can't think where… all this sofa travel has scrambled my brain!"
"Maybe if we go BACK… it's get UNSCRAMBLED!" Hannah suggested, desperately. "And if it doesn't, I'LL SCRAMBLE IT!" she paused. "Then it'll be DOUBLE SCRAMBLED… and SCRAMBLED PLUS SCRAMBLED equals… UNSCRAMBLY SCRAMBLED!"
Jess stared at her. "You are totally, utterly and completely insane."
Suddenly they heard an old-fashioned bell-style doorbell. Alex hurried in with Otto's drink. "I'll just go and get that." He scurried out again.
"Do posh people have friends who visit?" asked Otto, knocking back his drink in one.
"Oh, don't be so COARSE," Jess muttered, distastefully.
A moment later Alex returned. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet one of my friends, this is Ben."
"That's it! THAT'S IT! I didn't recognise you without him! YOU'RE ALEXANDER ARMSTRONG! AND HE'S BEN MILLER!" Jess closed her mouth, and, for once, didn't faint.
"OH!" exclaimed Hannah. "Yes, Ben, you really are the funniest man in this room."
Ben shook his head in disbelief – all those years of hard work in the comedy business with films, writing and TV shows, and he only got recognized for voicing a monkey on an advert.
"I'm bored. When is something interesting going to happen around her? You're all freaks in corduroys," Otto stated, the gin taking effect.
Jess got up to murder him.
"Oh God!" said Hannah.
"Where?" asked Ben.
Whilst Jess was sidetracked laughing at Ben's joke to be polite, Hannah leapt onto the Otto and pushing him and her through the back of the armchair.

<< back to Book 3.1

� Jess and Hannah 2002