After acting like true
spies and slipping un-noticed into Elstree Studios, (which wasn't
too hard considering the state of 60's security), Jess commented, “I feel like Patrick pretending to be a bush in Book 1.3, page 1--”
“What?” Hannah stopped and turned around confused.
“When was that?!”
“Oh, doesn't matter.” Jess waved the conversation away
with her hand and pushed Hannah through a door into an office
which had stacks of film reels piled up against the walls.
“No, really, when was that?” Hannah persisted.
“You were out on the town with Ben I think.”
Hannah
sighed at the mention of one of the members of Silverchair that
she had spent Christmas-time with.
“Let's find!” Jess said whilst little Tyke p*ssed on
three film reels in the corner.
“I hope it wasn't those three,” Toby said, worried.
Jess looked over.
“Nah, those are Coronation Street reels. I'd be happy
to p*ss on those.” She looked at a stack of reels in the far
corner of the room. On top of the pile was a label saying, 'For
Wiping'. “No!” Jess exclaimed, looking at the labels on
the individual reel cans. She had found series two, episodes one-five of
'Dad's Army'. She took the bottom three and put the other two
back.
“Didn't you like those two or something?” Hannah asked.
“They were found in 2001. If I take them I may end up
b*ggering them up for eternity.” She tucked the reels under
her arm.
“Pizza?” Hannah asked, hopefully.
“Pizza,” Jess affirmed. They were about to leave when a
figure appeared in the doorway.
Although Hannah wasn't
watching Jess, she was affirmed by the 'clunk' that she had
fainted - therefore her suspicions of it being who she thought it
might be, were confirmed. “Hi Ian.”
“Who...who are you? What are you doing here...with reels three,
four and five?!” Ian picked up the three reels of film which had
rolled from Jess' clutches across the floor. “We spent a
long time filming them!!” he exclaimed.
“I know! And they were going to wipe them!” screeched a
recovered Jess, standing up and pointing at the large stack.
“What?!” he exclaimed.
“Ok,” Jess calmed herself. “You're going to have
to bear with me on this. I have reliable information that in
about 34 years time people will be wanting those three
reels.” Jess pointed at the reels Ian was holding. “So
if I could have them?”
He eyed her suspiciously.
“Please?”
He didn't look convinced.
“I'll be your best
friend...?”
“Oh, fine, take them. They're only going to get wiped,
anyway. But I'd ask David first.”
“Who?” asked Hannah.
“David Croft, the director. Be quiet, Hannah, let me deal
with this,” said Jess.
Hannah, now rather pissed off, turned
away. Tyke had now destroyed three years worth of Coronation Street
by weeing on them. Toby crossed his fingers and hoped against
hope that it wouldn't stain the carpet.
“How did you get in here, anyway?” Ian asked.
“It wasn't exactly difficult. You really should get
them to look into the security here,” Jess said.
“Nice
clothes.” Ian nodded at Jess and Hannah, “Very
modern!”
Toby shifted uncomfortably in his black hoody and baggy trousers
which were baggy enough to clothe five Somalians.
Tyke was creeping up behind Ian very slowly and Jess kept
an eye on him... Ian was wearing some coururoy trousers.
“Yeah Austin gave them to us...” Hannah said smiling,
“Do you feel like coming to 2002?” she suddenly asked.
“WHAT?!” Ian asked, shocked.
“We come from the future...NOT Waterloo.” Hannah
interrupted Jess before she started. “You're like a broken
record player.”
“How would you feel if someone came up to us
and said they were from 3050?” Jess asked. “I was
trying to break it to him gently,” she added indignantly.
“So...fancy popping into the future?” Hannah asked Ian
again. “We can bring you back whenever you like and it'll
keep Jess quiet if you come, which would be great.”
Hannah put on her pleading face.
“I don't believe all this for a minute, but I'll go along
with it if you really want,” Ian said, doubtingly.
“We've finished filming for the day.”
“Fabulous,” Hannah said in relief. Maybe this would
stop Jess singing 'Wind In The Willows' songs whilst time
travelling.
“Welcome on board,” Toby said, smiling. Tyke barked
randomly and knawed on
the bottom of his trousers.
They were all sat outside
on the grass ten minutes later after slipping out of Elstree
Studios as easily as getting in.
“You're right, the security is sh*t,” said Ian.
Jess
fainted (she couldn't believe that he had sworn!). “I've been thinking Hans.”
“Ouch.”
“Did it hurt?”
“That's a first.”
Three replies interrupted Jess before she could continue.
“Sorry,” said Ian laughing.
“You should go back and save Natalie Imbruglia,” Jess
continued.
“Go forward you mean,” said Hannah.
“You killed Natalie Imbruglia?!” Toby exclaimed making
Tyke jump.
“Hell yes,” said Hannah watching Tyke chewing on yet
another Coronation Street Christmas special film reel like it was
a bone.
“Who's Natalie Im--um...who's that?” asked Ian.
“Hannah's arch-rival,” Jess replied. “She killed
her when we went to Australia last year.”
“Last year?”
“2001, actually.”
Ian was thoroughly confused.
“I
think you should go save her, Hans. Killing her was bad.”
Hannah's eyes lit up. “I've an idea!”
Jess groaned.
“I'll go save JOSH!” She fumbled with the remote in her pocket and started to key in
numbers.
“Hannah...Hannah...NO! Bad Hannah!” Jess
protested weakly.
It was no use. Hannah pressed the buttons and
they were off.
They landed in the bush;
Ian, Hannah and Jess landed on the floor and Tyke gave a little
yelp.
They all looked up to see Tyke hanging by his spikey collar round
his neck, held at the other end by Toby, who had landed either
leg astride the branch.
“Oooh.” All three time travellers on the ground winced
and Hannah commented, “I can relate to that.”
“No you can't,” said Jess. “...You aren't a
man...remember that little talk we had?”
“I don't think it's fair, when they've got no clothes on,
how can you tell?” Hannah asked vaguely.
Jess sighed and
shook her head.
“Never mind.” Jess looked up. She could see a familiar
looking jeep parked at the side of the road. She beckoned with
her finger to the others and they all ran over to the jeep.
“Everyone's asleep,” Hannah observed.
“My God, nothing gets past you, does it, Hans?” Jess
whispered sarcastically.
Hannah looked over at her other, past
self. “The cheeky sod!” She exclaimed indignantly, pointing
at Jimmy. “He's got his hand on my knee!”
“Hannah, for the love of Spike Milligan - SHUT IT!”
hissed Jess. “I have a plan--” she continued.
“Oh, God...” Toby sighed.
“Shut it, commoner!” Jess commanded.
� Jess and Hannah 2002