“Eew!” moaned Hannah as they walked past the butchers which had hundreds of dead carcasses hung up outside on display.
“Stop pretending you're a veggie Hannah!” Jess warned.
“Sorry.”
“Look, there's a spare hook there, I could think of something to put on it.” Jess looked down at her flares which Toby's dog was gnawing on.
Toby pulled the little terrier away from Jess' leg. “Sorry, little Tyke gets a bit over-excited when new people arrive.”
“Great,” sighed Jess, “A turtle and a dog.”
The bomb detector suddenly got louder as they walked past the hooks of turkeys.
“Wahey!” said Hannah, turning and pointing the detector at the door. “Looks like we're in business!” She held the detector up. It flashed. She moved slowly along the rack of steaks and chops on display. Suddenly it let out a long, loud wail. Hannah looked down. She was pointing the contraption at a large turkey.
“I don't see a bomb,” Toby said.
Jess pointed at the large hole at the turkey's rear end.
“Oh.”
“Who's going to do the honours, then?” Asked Jess.
“No thanks, I'm vegetarian,” Hannah said.
“Are you b*ll*cks Hannah. You're only vegetarian when it suits you.”
“Well I'm still not sticking my hand up a turkey's ass.” Hannah folded her arms.
“Don't look at me. I always have to do things...” said Jess.
“No you don't! I fixed the last bomb so it's about time you put your share of the work in...”
“I find the bombs...I don't diffuse them.”
“Precisely,” Hannah said triumphantly.
Suddenly Tyke jumped up onto the turkey and ripped it apart.
“I forgot to feed him this morning,” Toby blushed.
“More like he couldn't afford it,” Jess whispered to Hannah.
Either way, the bomb was sitting there...but what to do with it? Tyke solved this problem by crouching over the offending explosive and defecating on it.
“Oh, Jesus!” Jess exclaimed in disgust. “You do know that that's illegal, 'Tobe'? You can be fined �1000 for letting your dog foul in public!”
“Jess...I think it worked, look!” Hannah said, pointing. Sure enough, the bomb was no longer ticking. “Jesus, what do you feed him?”
Toby shrugged.
Before anyone could say anything else, the detector flashed and beeped at the same time.
The three humans one dog turned to run, but a butcher stood before them. “You gonna pay for that?”
“Oh God! I don't have �1000!!” Toby cried in panic.
“No 'Tobe', I think he means are you going to pay for that turkey?”
“I don't have enough money.” Toby shuffled his feet in embarrassment.
“Oh for God's sake! Here!” said Jess throwing a �20 note at the butcher and walking off, shortly followed by Toby, Hannah and Tyke.

The three of them sat on a park bench 10 minutes later with McDonald's take-aways thanks to Jess' money.
“I could have had a spree in Waterstone's if it weren't for you,” Jess whinged.
“Without Tyke pooing on the bomb and ripping up the turkey there would be no Waterstone's, so can it!” Hannah shouted.
There was a silence.
“I want to go home,” Jess moaned.
Hannah was about to smack her around the face when Tyke started growling at a man walking towards them. He was wearing a long black coat and had a hat pulled down low over his eyes.
“You've got me into enough trouble today!” Toby said, yanking Tyke back by the lead.
However, Tyke persisted with all his heart and did so so violently that he ended up dragging Toby right off the bench and half-way across the road.
“You see, one should never date a man who can be beaten by his own terrier.” Jess pointed out to Hannah who nodded in agreement whilst Tyke and Toby returned.
“It was just about his trousers,” commented Toby, “Tyke has something about corduroys.” Sure enough, in the little dog's mouth was a pair of courduroy trousers.
Suddenly their attention was caught by a sound behind them which sounded particularly familiar. Hannah looked at the bomb detector in her hands but it was turned off yet the sound of an identical bomb detector signalled from behind. They turned around to see none other than...
“I don't know who that is,” Jess said, frowning at the figure, dressed all in black.
“Me neither,” said Hannah.
The figure saw them and bounded over. “What are you doing here? You have to evacuate, now! Something bad is going to happen here.”
“We know. We're here to stop it happening,” said Hannah.
“What? Are you a group of spiritualists or something? I'm telling you, love, that is the only way you could stop what is going to happen happening is if you have a bomb detector and a S.S.S.S ID tag.”
“Well, love,” said Jess, sarastically. “We just so happen to have both those things.” She indicated to her ID tag and the detector. “Except for him.” Jess pointed at Toby. “He's just an annoying tag-along who gets Hannah all hot and bothered.”
Hannah opened and shut her mouth like a fish for a while until she realised that it was to no avail.
“Well, looks like things are being monitered here...I guess we could take a break and go to 1969,” Jess said quietly.
“Why?” Toby, Hannah and Tyke (with courduroys in mouth) turned to Jess.
“Well...it'd be interesting! We could check out pizzas at that time...” Jess suggested calmly, hiding her hopefulness.
“Why not have a pizza now?”
“Why not have a pizza then?”
“Let's roll!” said Hannah convinced.

The first thing Hannah heard when everything came into focus was nagging. And, for once, it wasn't coming from Jess.
“What do you think you're doing?!” the black-clothed man shouted at them. “We've got to save Oxford!”
“We can go back to before it was blown up whenever we want,” said Jess. “I'm on a more important mission.”
“To taste 1960's pizza?” asked Hannah, hopefully.
“No, actually. But we can, if you want.” Jess cleared her throat. “I, am going to save the three lost 'Dad's Army' episodes from series two before they were wiped and/or dumped,” she declared.
“Right, well I'll be off then,” the black-clothed man started.
“Who are you?” Hannah enquired.
“I'm from the future...” He drifted off into a daydream.
“Wow! What's it like?!” Toby shouted excited.
“You don't want to know...” He flashed back in time after punching '2002' into his red polka-dot ball control.
“What's with the dots?” Hannah asked Jess after he vanished into thin air.
Jess shrugged and stood up brushing herself. “Where's Ian Lavender?” she howled.
“Oh, I see,” said Hannah. “There's always an alternative motive with you, isn't there?!” She frowned. “And I thought we were here to eat pizza.”
“We can,” Jess assured her. “Just as soon as I find the missing 'Dad's Army' episodes and...possibly kidnap Ian Lavender. That's all I want. Then we can eat pizza for as long as you want.”
“Promise?” asked Hannah.
“Promise,” Jess...promised.
“Ok...let's find Elstree Studios,” said Hannah. They turned around to see a huge building with a sign reading: 'Elstree Studios'.
“Ah,” said Jess.

<< back to Book 2.1

� Jess and Hannah 2002