Everyone sat in Daniel's huge living room, Jess and Patrick sitting either side on one of the sofas, ignoring each other.
"So, when's the show tonight then?" asked Hannah cheerily, trying to start a conversation.
"Seven-thirty," said Steve, looking at his watch. "It's half four now. I need to be there soon for lighting and sound checks."
"Cool," said Daniel smiling. "It's so nice of you to give us tickets, Steve. We all love Alan Partridge here in Australia."
"Great," said Steve as enthusiastically as he could. He got tired of the 'Alan-label' all too easily.
"Bagsie the best seat!" said Hannah excitedly.
"I don't care where I sit," said Jess sulkily. "As long as it's not next to him." She pointed at Patrick.
"Hannah, please tell Jess she is being very immature and I refuse to respond to her petty comments." Patrick replied.
"Jimmy, tell Patrick he's the one being immature and I'm not speaking to him," said Jess.
"Hang on, how can you answer his question when you technically hadn't been told it?" Hannah said.
Jess got confused and was biting her lip trying to think of something to say when there was another knock on the door.
Daniel got up and walked over to open it. Whoever it was, he had a bad effect on Hannah who fell off the sofa.
Daniel walked over with the new guy. "This is Chris, the bass player in our band."
Hannah sighed contentedly.
"Um, I hope you don't mind, but I just ran over someone outside," he said sheepishly.
A small voice came from the floor. "My hero!"
"Is she OK?" Chris asked looking at the heap of limbs on the floor which was Hannah.
"Apparently," said Daniel, raising his eyebrow.
Ben stood up and whispered something in Chris' ear. His eyes widened."Really?!" He looked at Hannah with amazement. "It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? You'd never know."
Daniel smothered a laugh and stood up. "Shall we all go?"

The sound checks completed and the doors opened to the public, the group of travellers sat in their seats in the Royal box.
"Hannah, move up or I'll have to sit next to THAT," Jess said, pointing at Patrick.
"Shut up and sit down," Hannah said angrily, pushing Jess down next to Patrick.
"What do you want?" said Patrick.
"Only to move away from you," pouted Jess.
"You think you're so smart," said Patrick.
"You think you're so smart!" Jess imitated in a high-pitched girly voice.
"Oh shut up," Patrick snapped.
"Oh shut up."
"Seriously!" Patrick started getting stressed.
"You sound like Cartman, except you're more of the idiot 'duh-duh' type."
Patrick's complexion turned a deep crimson, he stood up and roared: "OH, REALLY!"
"Yes," squeaked Jess.
Everyone had turned round to look at them.
"FINE!" said Patrick. "Is there a spare seat here anywhere?" he enquired, looking at the six other people who he now called 'friends' even though he hardly knew them.
"Don't be silly Patrick, there's a seat here," said Jess, pointing at the seat he had just stood up from.
"Yeah," Daniel piped up, immediately catching Patrick's attention, "there's one here." he called, pointing at the seat next to him where Hannah was sitting.
"WHAT?!" screeched Hannah.
"Sorry about him," Chris leant over Daniel and spoke to Hannah in a calming tone. "He doesn't really know how to deal properly with guys like you."
"WHAT?!!" Hannah hit a new, higher tone which hadn't been invented yet.
"You know, with you being... well, a... er... transvestite and everything." Hannah burst into tears and pushed past Daniel, Chris and Ben, running to the toilets. By mistake she ran into the Mens'.
"Oh, dear God," said Patrick.

Hannah had slunk back into her new seat (next to Jess) just as the lights went down for the show. Jess clapped madly and grinned down at Steve, who gave her a wave and a wink. Patrick, now sitting next to Daniel, frowned as he spotted this. At the interval the travellers were invited to the private bar where they met up with Steve.
"How did you think it went?" he asked.
"It was fabulous!" Jess insisted excitedly.
"Not bad...not bad..." Hannah mused, keeping her distance from Ben, Daniel and Chris, who were now thoroughly confused as to Hannah's sexual orientation.
A man in a suit appeared from a door 10 minutes later. "Mr C - time to go get ready for Act two," he said.
"I have to go," Steve said, finishing his drink. "Enjoy the second half!"
"Good luck," said Jess, stepping forward and pecking him on the cheek.
"Oh...thanks," he smiled. "See you all afterwards." He went back through the door.
"Should we be going, then?" Jess said, practically jumping up and down.
"No," said Jimmy defiantly. "There's still fifteen minutes to go."
"So? I've gotta buy peanuts," concluded Jess. She grabbed Hannah's arm.
Hannah stood rigid however. "Hang on. There's something I want to do." She walked forward to the three rock stars standing by the bar who were causing almost more stir in the theatre than Steve himself. "You three are perverted b*st*rds. I'm a female if it escaped your notice - always have been, always will be, with no intentions to change."
"Oh..." Daniel, Chris and Ben all exchanged knowing glances.
"Sure you are, dude." Ben said sympathtically.
Hannah was nearly hysterical. "LOOK!" she shouted. "I am a lady..." And she pulled up her dress to prove it.
"Oh... right," said Chris, nodding.
"Sorry," Daniel added.
"No problem," said Hannah, now satisfied.
"Let's go back and sit down, guys..." said Cartman, clutching Superturtle.
Everyone filled back into the theatre.

"Peanut?" Jess offered Patrick.
"I'm not talking to you anymore," he muttered.
"You weren't talking to me before."
"Well, now I'm not talking to you even more."
"Why?"
Patrick didn't get a chance to reply, as the lights went down.
"Oooh!" Jess squealed, dropping half of her peanuts.

At the end of the performance there was tumultuous applause and standing ovation, lead by Jess, for Steve. Jess not only stood up, but got up on her seat and jumped up and down waving her arms wildly.
"Thank you, thank you!" said Steve holding up his hands to signal stop to the audience.
Slowly everyone fell quiet.
"I'd just like to say thank you to all of my crew behind stage who helped make this night possible."
Everyone started clapping again but rather unenthusiastically compared to the reception Steve had received. One of the lighting men hanging from the ceiling threw a lightbulb at him.
"I'd also like to thank everyone in the royal box... my new best mates..."
"He wishes," muttered Hannah.
"...Especially the lovely lady Jess!"
Jess squealed and waved at Steve.
He waved back. "Would you like to go out this evening?" Steve said into the microphone.
He didn't get a reply from Jess because she had fainted.
"I think she meant to say 'yes'," shouted Hannah.
Everyone clapped.

By the time everyone had left the theatre, Jess had pulled herself together and was a picture of calm and maturity, rather like she used to be before she went to Australia, was involved in a plane crash, got washed up on an island and chased by the Australian government. Hannah watched Ben and Chris chatting and sniggering to each other as they walked to the stage door to collect Steve.
"She's funny, sweet, and not to mention hot." Chris said.
Hannah's ears pricked up. Hmm...sounded kinda familiar...
"Yeah," said Ben. "I'm glad we were wrong about her being...y'know."
Hannah grinned to herself. Who else could they be talking about but her...? They reached the back door to greet Steve. Jess was aiming for the chilled, mature, slightly aloof attitude.
Hannah was feeling less subtle. She strode up to Ben and Chris. "Hi," she said, feeling nervous suddenly.
"Hey," said Ben. "Sorry about earlier."
"S'OK," said Hannah looking at her feet.
The lighting man who had thrown a lightbulb, stomped past them muttering something under his breath.
"Excuse me?" said Ben, "Which direction is the booking office?"
"How should I bl**dy know?" He replied walking off.
Chris, Ben and Hannah broke into hysterics.
"Why did you want the booking office?" Chris asked.
"Was gonna book a ticket for me and Hannah to see another play."
Chris frowned. "What about me?"
"Go babysit Daniel," said Ben.
"Fine!" Chris said frustrated, then he added curiously, "What are you going to see?"
"Who cares," said Ben with a cheeky grin.
"Um, you two...I'm actually still here," Hannah said timidly.
"Oh." Ben blushed.

<< back to Book 1.3

� Jess and Hannah 2001