The seven original travellers were sat in the middle of the road with the turtle (now named Superturtle). Much to Mik and Bruce's disappointment, the turtle had continued its violent rampage and had decapitated everyone evil in sight, including their half-naked girls.
"Sweet Jesus," said Cartman, for the 50th time.
The little turtle lay down in the middle of the road and gave a little sigh.
Hannah was in love… with the turtle… and Daniel Johns.
"This is all your fault," said Jess, "I swear we should have given you to them on the beach. They'll send more after us, you know."
"Who?" Jimmy asked, innocently.
"Those ALD people," Jess said, cradling Patrick's head in her lap. He still hadn't come around. "You keep running away…" she said, indicating to Patrick. "And they're really violent! What if he never wakes up?" She went all tearful and Hannah slapped her to snap her out of it.
"Stop being wussy."
Jess sniffed and fell silent.
"I can't believe you killed the girls," Mik sighed, sadly. "I mean, strewth…"
Hannah frowned. "Stop thinking with your groin, Mik."
Everybody fell silent apart from Patrick, who was definitely out of it.
"I can hear something!" said Jess, excitedly.
"Oh, well done," said Jimmy, sarcastically.
"No, really!" she said. Nobody moved, which annoyed Jess further. "It's a car!" she shrieked, dropping Patrick's head and standing up to look. The jeep had consequently given up after twelve hours drive through the north-eastern Australian outback. The engine was overheated and there was no petrol left. Jess had suggested that they kill Jimmy and use his cold blood to cool the engine, and then they'd be OK, but everyone had seen enough blood and guts today for a lifetime.
"Oh my God!" said Jess, jumping up and down. "It's a limousine!"
Hannah began to take some interest all of a sudden. Since she currently had no excitement in her life, her hope rested on the fact that something interesting would be in the posh, long Rolls Royce.
"What is a big limo like that doing here?" asked Mik, examining the bodywork. "Nice," he concluded.
One of the doors (near the front) opened. The travellers could hear the sound of champagne corks popping inside.
A familiar man stepped out… and frowned deeply. "You people again?" he exclaimed. It was Steven Spielberg.
"Aw, you're kidding me," Hannah said, exasperated. "You haven't bought this piece of the bush like that island, have you?"
"Well, no. But it's next on my list." Steven smirked.
"What are you doing here?" asked Jimmy. "Not another movie, surely. I would have thought you would have learnt your lesson after 'A.I.'."
"Well," said Steven, severely pissed off. "Actually, this film is about two ladies who decided to go to Australia to chase their dream men. They meet loads of random people on the way and escape from a crashing Boeing 747."
"How uninteresting," said Patrick, rousing from the dead.
"My love!" said Jess, immediately regretting that she had said it. By the time she had run over to him he had conked out again.
"That sounds like copyright to me," said Hannah, the only one who had cottoned on. "You're nothing but a cheapskate!"
"I have to get ideas from somewhere," Steven said, shrugging.
Hannah rolled her eyes. "A*sehole."
"I believe we had this 'conversation' when you ruined my 'Cast Away 2' movie."
"Oh, yeah, what happened to that?" asked Hannah.
"We ran out of money. The budget was too low."
Hannah laughed hysterically.
Steven ignored her.
"So, what's with the limo?" asked Jimmy.
"This is where my actors are resting." Steven explained.
"Who have you got, then?" asked Hannah, unimpressed. "Some crappy TV actors?"
"No, actually," said Steven with a grin. He clicked his fingers and figures began to appear from the limo. "Please meet Natalie Imbruglia, playing Hannah—"
"She's not a Hollywood actress!" shouted Jimmy.
Hannah turned green, then red, and steam almost came out of her ears.
Unaware of any strong emotions against Natalie on Hannah's part, Steve continued: "Next up is Kate Winslet playing the part of Jess!" Kate Winslet slowly got out of the limousine and looked around, smiling.
"I don't know whether to laugh or cry," Jess said, looking at Kate in confusion. "So I'll do both." Jess went into some kind of damp hysteria while Steven continued.
"Josh Hartnett is playing Jimmy." Josh hopped out of the limo.
"Not handsome enough," Jimmy concluded dissmissively.
"PHWOAR!" Hannah said loudly, grinning from ear to ear.
Jimmy scowled.
"Patrick is to be played by Hugh Grant." Hugh got out of the limo.
"Hugh Grant?" Jess exclaimed, exasperated. "HUGH GRANT?!" She pointed at him in disgust. "What sort of a love interest is Hugh-bloody-Grant?"
"Unlucky, Jess!" said Hannah, smiling. She looked back at Josh Hartnett and after five seconds of eye contact she fainted onto Superturtle, who squeaked and then went quiet.
Steven continued: "Heath Ledger is playing the role of Bruce."
Hannah screamed hysterically, still on the floor, supposedly unconscious.
"Danny Devito plays Cartman."
Danny Devito, who looked even smaller in real life, hopped out of the limo.
Cartman looked at him in disgust. "Dude, he doesn't look like me," Cartman protested. "He's all fat and stuff!"
Steven sighed. "Yeah, well, anyway, Mik is played by Matt Damon." The aforementioned actor stepped out.
Hannah was nearly fitting. Superturtle had stopped moving.
"Wow, Bruce, look how good-looking I am," Mik said proudly.
Steven ignored him. "And, finally, of course, Matthew Perry plays Charlie."
"Charlie?" everyone asked in unison.
Even the unconscious Patrick raised his head to say: "Who's Charlie?"
"Charlie was the gay air steward who saved the Boeing 747 from crashing to a burning inferno."
"It was saved?!" said Hannah, unfainting.
"Yeah, he equalled out the fuel amounts in both tanks to straighten out the plane by swapping the negative and positive wires in the fuel plate of the plane. Once he had switched them, he cut the auto-pilot wires so he could over-run the system, then he shut down the exploded engine therefore saving leaking fuel by transferring it to the front left engine. He then used the remaining fuel to carry out an emergency landing procedure on a nearby uninhabited island. The only things that were destroyed were two palm trees and a random Post Office."
There was a silence.
"Aw… no." Patrick groaned miserably.
"That was my idea!" Hannah shouted, scowling at Steven.
"But Charlie did it first."
"Shite…" Hannah sat down to sulk.
"But why are you filming out here with 'Charlie'?" asked Jess, confused.
Steven pointed behind them.
They turned to see Charlie approaching them with a large stick. It was pointy at one end.
"Jimmy…?" he started, a manic look in his eye. "I've come to get you…"
"Jesus Christ!" said Hannah, shocked. "Are you directing him at the moment?"
"No," said Steven, "the story is in process at the moment."
"So are you going to include us meeting the Hollywood actors and a sad teeny-bopper pop star in the movie?" Hannah asked, grimacing at Natalie Imbruglia.
"Nah… that bit is too clich�d."
"Oh," said Hannah, falling silent.
"Oh my God!" screamed Jess. She had seen Charlie pinning Jimmy down with the pole.
"It's alright, let him die," said Hannah, fed up as ever with him. Then she remembered that Josh Hartnett was playing Jimmy in the film. "NO! Actually, second thoughts, save him," she said, diving over to Jimmy, punching Charlie off him and kissing Jimmy on the lips. "ERLACK!" she exclaimed, reminding herself that it would all be worth it… Then she realised that Natalie was playing her role. She looked over and saw her standing, smirking, with her hands on her hips. Hannah looked at Josh. "You might have been left to die in Pearl Harbor, but you ain't gonna pop your clogs this time!" she murmured.
"Nothing exciting is ever going to happen to me in this adventure," Jess sighed. She looked at Hugh Grant. "Then again, with you in the film, I'm not sure I want anything exciting to happen."
"Don't worry; better things to come," said Steven, with a smirk.
"What's that meant to mean?" asked Jimmy, still dazed from Hannah's kiss.
"You should see the script, folks! We have violence, blood, gore, tears, death, passion, nudity—"
"Nudity?" Jess and Patrick exclaimed in unison.
"Ah, you two guys are so uptight," laughed Steven. "We can correct that with some script-tweaking, I reckon—"
"Don't you dare!" Patrick exclaimed.
"Yeah!" Jess agreed.
"I'm all for it," sighed Hannah, gazing at Josh.
Natalie started chuckling and looked at Hannah.
"RIGHT, THAT'S IT!" Hannah screamed. She got up and turned to Charlie, still trying to impale Jimmy with the pole. She grabbed hold of it and yanked it out of Charlie's manic clutch. She twisted it around in her grip so she was holding it like a javelin in her right hand. She walked up to Natalie, and, while she was still chuckling, rammed it with all her strength through her chest. She collapsed to the floor.
"Oh, my God – my star!" Steven screamed.
"Natty!" the actors shouted in unison. Hannah was in full action mode now. She grabbed Jess and Jimmy and pushed them towards the car, before sending Cartman flying in via a well-aimed kick.
"Seriously!" he screamed as he hit the luxurious leather seats.
"Mik, Bruce, Josh – get in!" Hannah shouted, trying to hurry along Jess, who had gone back for Patrick.
Everyone piled into the limo and Hannah leapt into the driving seat.
"I hope your crappy little film flops, Spielberg!" she shouted out of the window as she pressed the accelerator. The limo revved. She had never driven before, but how hard could it be? They sped off, fast.
"Christ, Hannah, do you know how to drive?" asked a terrified Bruce.
"No…" said Hannah, "but I can learn!"

<< back to Book 1.2

� Jess and Hannah 2001