Hannah must have drifted asleep because next thing she knew was the plane had landed in central Newcastle, an industrial town in Australia on the east coast. Silverchair were standing in the street with their arms open to greet her...
"Hannah! Hannah!" Jess shrieked, tugging at her arm. "Look! It's Steve!" She bounced up and down pointing at the screen. Hannah rolled her eyes and sighed.
"I think I might go for a stroll around the plane." Suddenly the mystery person in the spare seat arrived and Jess recognised him immediately.
"What the hell are you staring at, hippy?!" Cartman shouted, as Jess and Hannah stared open-mouthed at the small figure, lugging his fat over the arm rest and collapsing into his seat.
"Er... nothing, I guess," Jess stammered, turning away.
"Sweet Jesus, he's real?" Hannah asked, still staring at him.
"Look, you guys, seriously. I don't mind sitting here with you guys, but if you're gonna keep staring at me, then screw you guys, I'm going home!"
"OK, Jesus, who crapped in your cap?" Jess asked, using her (new) favourite turn of phrase.
"Ooh, touch�," Cartman said, digging his hand into a packet which crackled loudly, "Cheesy Poof?" he offered.
Jess accepted and picked one out of the bag in Cartman's small chubby hand. Hannah declined politely and looked out of the window to her right. She couldn't quite believe this was happening. Jess couldn't quite believe her luck. Not only did she have two showings of 'Wind In The Willows' but she had the real life Cartman sitting next to her for the whole flight. She was determined to make the most of this.
"Excuse me," Jess looked round at Cartman stuffing his face with Cheesy Poofs. "Where have you been for the past half an hour?"
Hannah swivelled around and stared at Cartman. Jess had a good question but Hannah had an even better one. "Yeah, and also... why are you real but actually a cartoon character at the same time?!" She leaned over Jess and pinched him just to make sure he was real.
"Ay!" Cartman yelled, leaping in the air. "What the hell was that for?"
"I wanted to see if you were real."
"Well, I am, so back off, a**hole!"
"Why are you going to Australia?" Jess asked, nosily.
"Aw, no reason, just fancied a visit, that's all," Cartman said, shrugging nonchalantly. "What about you guys?"
"To see Silverchair," said Hannah, dreamily.
"And Steve Coogan!" Jess said excitedly.
"Aw, Silverchair are cool, dude, but who the hell is Steve Coogan?"
Hannah saw Jess going an angry shade of crimson and changed the subject quickly. "Where have you been during take off?" she asked rapidly, adding a yawn; they had left the airport at 11:15pm and glancing at her watch it was now 12:45am.
"None of your Goddamn business, gaylord!"
"Fine! Punk." Hannah muttered under her breath.
"Christ, who crapped in your cap?" asked Cartman.
"Oi!" Jess shouted. "That's MY put-down!"
"I'll put-down all three of you if you don't shut up!" groaned a man in a business suit sitting behind them.
Cartman, Jess and Hannah turned around and stared at him.
"Dad?" asked Hannah, in disbelief.
"Oh, hello, love, I was just on my way back to Britain to see you."
"But we're flying out. Towards Australia." said Jess, confused.
"Really? Dammit. I must have got on the wrong plane again."
Hannah left Cartman and Jess trying to get the logic of this whilst she said: "You'd better get off and swap planes when we stop in Singapore. Mum will be wondering where you are."
"Well, where are you?"
"I'm in Australia, she knows that."
"Oh."
"Yeah... well."
"Who are your friends?" he asked.
"Well, this is Jess, you know that. But this is someone from South Park. Excuse his language."
"Right, OK." said Hannah's dad. "Why are you going to Australia?"
"To see Silverchair!"
"And Steve Coogan!"
"Oh, I see."

Seven hours later they were all sitting in the same places. 'Wind In The Willows' and 'Wind In The Willows' widescreen had already finished and Jess and Cartman were fast asleep. Hannah peeked out of the window on her right. The shutter had been pulled down for a couple of hours and she was wondering whether it was light yet.
The main lights on the plane had been switched off and everyone was asleep apart from Hannah, who could never sleep on planes, or eat, for that matter. It was twilight when she looked outside and she pulled up the shutter. Bluey-green light covered her and she stared outside at the thin wispy clouds below the plane. Her right leg suddenly began throbbing with pain like acute muscle cramp. She had to get to the toilet so she could scream with pain and she had to get out of her seat. The problem was that Jess and Cartman were in the way. She pulled herself up to a standing position on her seat and crouched under the overhead lockers. She had to find someway of getting over without waking them up. She considered walking across the head rests of each seat but people were asleep and this would jog them awake. Looking at the arm rests, unfortunately Jess' arm was across it. There was only one choice. Swing over them.
She scrabbled and reached for a handle at the front of the overhead lockers. She caught something firm and steady.
'Yes', she thought. She silently counted to herself. '1... 2... 3!' and on the last count she swung like Tarzan over Jess and Cartman. Much to her disappointment there was a crack, she looked up to see 5 pieces of hand luggage and a bag of novelty cocktail shakers came down on top of her with a clunk. She lay crushed in the aisle underneath their weight and she heard people talking.
"Oh no!" she murmured, then she fell unconscious.

"Hannah! Hans, wake up!"
Hannah opened her eyes to see Jess looking down at her. "Ow!" she moaned, hoisting herself into a seated position.
"You clumsy hippy!" Cartman moaned. "My bag of Cheesy Poofs fell on my head!"
"Shut up, Cartman," Jess said, pushing him roughly backwards. Due to his rounded shape he rolled right down the aisle and disappeared through the curtains to the next section. "So, are you ok?"
"Um, yeah, I guess," Hannah said. "I was trying to get up - I had cramp."
"And you have cramp now?"
"Um...no."
"That's good."
"But I can't feel my right leg anymore."
Jess gasped. "You silly duffus. You should have got up and walked around a bit."
Hannah groaned. "Help me up."
Jess pulled Hannah up and put one arm round her shoulder.
"Let's go visit the cockpit."
"Forget the pit." Hannah laughed but had to stop suddenly as her leg gave way.
"Woah, careful, chicken!" Jess laughed holding her up. They began to walk up to the cockpit.
"Hey! Hey, you ungrateful sons-a-b*tches!" Cartman emerged from behind them. "I'm coming too!"

"Oh, so this is the steering stick." said Hannah to the pilot.
"Uh-huh."
"What does this do?" asked Cartman, reaching for a large red button.
"Nooooo!" screamed the pilot.
Cartman pressed the red button before the pilot could intervene.
"You idiot!" screamed the pilot, "You just ejected the toilet!"
Hannah, Jess and Cartman stared out the window at the toilet falling down.
"Hope no-one is in there." Hannah said.
"It's alright, I guess, we're over the ocean." Commented the co-pilot.
Something brown and wet splatted against the windscreen.
"Oh, that's gross!" Jess moaned, turning away.
"Woah, cool!" Cartman laughed.
"You sick little fat boy," Hannah grunted as the pilot turned on the wipers.
"Ay, don't call me fat, you a**hole."
Hannah rolled her eyes and turned to the co-pilot. "I'm so sorry about this."
"That's ok, ma'am, we usually dump it over Iraq, you've just saved us some time."
Hannah burst into hysterics.
The co-pilot smiled.
After calming down Hannah smiled at the co-pilot.
He smiled back.
Suddenly Hannah's leg began throbbing again. She cowered with pain. "Dammit!"
An air hostess burst into the cockpit and stared at the three strangers. "I'm afraid that four of your novelty cocktail shakers are broken."
"Ohhh..." groaned Hannah, she purposefully collapsed sideways onto the co-pilot.
"What's up with you?" Jess asked, tugging at Hannah's arm.
"My leg... oh, it hurts so much!" she whimpered, burying her face in the co-pilot's shirt.
"Hurts my arse; you just fancy the co-pilot!"
The man in question went very red, but continued to hold Hannah in his arms.
"You shameless hussy." Jess concluded.
"Dude, what about those cocktail shakers? They were cool..." Cartman sighed.
"Right, we're going." Jess yanked Hannah off the co-pilot's lap.
"Come back whenever you want..." he called helplessly, as Jess, Hannah and Cartman left the cockpit. Jess, Hannah and Cartman left the cockpit and shut the door.
The pilot turned around to the co-pilot and clipped him round the ear. "We're here to fly the plane, not to pull chicks. Now ring Airport Control and tell them we've dumped the sh*t."

<< back to Book 1.1

� Jess and Hannah 2001