Sixteen (Heather); Being a "Housewife."
I thought I could love Tim no more than I do already, but I was wrong! He came back from his film meeting with Anderson-the-Mutt, with casting information for me! Okay, so there's no way in hell I'll actually get a part, but still! Bless him! He must have noticed I've been feeling a bit - well - left out I guess. Everyone's working except me, and I'm beginning to feel useless. I haven't even written anything useful, except a few highly morbid and depressing poems. Which aren't any good anyway! I feel like such a failure. I came to the US the first time, full of hope of some sort of career, and all I've amounted to is a housewife! Not that I don't love Tim --because I do! More than I could possibly have imagined!-- but I always assumed I'd have a sort of career. Guess that's everyone else's job.
Tim and I spent a good three hours discussing the film. He hasn't read the book, but the idea appeals to him. I, on the other hand, have read the book, so I was telling him all about it. It's a really good book, although it scared the living daylights out of me when I first read it, over ten years ago at Amy's flat in Dartmouth. Wow, that was a long time ago!!!
"You oughta cast Johnny as Mark," I tell Tim confidently, curling my right leg underneath me and getting comfortable again. "Cause Mark's the 'good' kinda angsty one, and I reckon Johnny'd be able to pull that off really well, and - jeeze, I can't think of anyone for Chadderton..... No wait! Alan Davis! Him as Chadderton, cause he'd be great! And Lisa ought to be Chadderton's wife because-" I stop, going red as I realise I've been rushing on and not letting Tim get a word in edgeways. "Shit Tim, I'm sorry..." I mumble, looking down and twisting some of my hair around my fingers. Hmm, don't I feel like a complete and utter pratt...?
"It's okay," Tim says, his voice faintly amused. That doesn't make me feel any better! "I agree with you," he adds. "From what you've said about the book, Johnny would make a good Mark. Can't say I'm sure about Alan Davis, but you never know..."
"Yeah..." God what was I thinking?! I don't know anything about filming, and I guess I never really did; I'm an performer first and foremost. Guess that's why I haven't been asked back for editing. Should have 'failure' stamped across my forehead or something. "I'm gonna go and do some housewifey things..." I say, getting up. "Hoovering or dusting or washing or something..." I keep muttering aimlessly as I walk out of the lounge and go upstairs. I pick up my makeup case and regard the blade in it for a moment. Then I think of Tim, and how much it'll hurt him, and how angry and upset Amy will be, and I put it down again, sitting on the bed.
I feel so useless. Looks like my Dad was right all those years ago when he told me I was a failure and I would never get anywhere in my life: I haven't.
Chapter 15 ; Contents ; Chapter 17
