"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." -- Albert Einstein

"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to stick to possibilities." -- Mark Twain

"If God lived on Earth, people would break his windows." -- Jewish proverb

"It is easier to accept the message of the stars than the message of the salt desert. The stars speak of man's insignificance in the long eternity of time. The desert speaks of his insignificance right now." -- Edwin Way Teale

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out." -- Steven Wright

"You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're right! I NEVER would have thought of that!'" -- Dave Barry

"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated His ability." -- Oscar Wilde

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." -- Roseanne

"We started from scratch, every American an immigrant who came because he wanted a change. Why are we now afraid to change?" -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Never try to outsmart a woman, unless you are another woman." -- William Lyon Phelps

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face." -- Dave Barry

"But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner who needed it most?" -- Mark Twain

"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood." -- Oscar Wilde

"The important thing is neither your nationality nor the religion you professed, but how your faith translated itself in your life." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Why is it that nobody understands me, and everybody likes me?" -- Albert Einstein

"Men can read maps better than women, because only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling one hundred miles." -- Roseanne

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not what color to choose, but to accept God's decision on where your lips end." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Some American kid recognized who I was and he says, 'Your dad eats cow's heads.' My daughter says, 'You don't, Daddy. I've never seen you eat a cow's head.' I thought that was kind of sweet." -- Ozzy Osbourne

"Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me." -- Ambrose Bierce

"There's something about a republican that you can only stand for just so long. On the other hand, there is something about a democrat that you can't stand for quite that long." -- Will Rogers

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." -- Albert Einstein

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

More to come!!