"Jennifer Lopez has announced that she and Ben Affleck are engaged to be married. Lopez says she wants to have a short engagement followed by an even shorter marriage."
"ABC announced it's developing a new detective show about two gay people who solve crimes. In other words, they're bringing back 'Cagney and Lacey.'"
"People who saw the Eminem film "8 Mile" were surprised to see former rap star Vanilla Ice make a brief appearance. When asked about it, Vanilla Ice said, as a movie usher, he can walk into any theater he wants."
"Earlier today, Saddam Hussein agreed a U.N. resolution and decided to allow weapons inspectors back into the country. But Hussein said under no circumstances will he allow Geraldo back into the country."
"A billionaire in Texas has hired the Rolling Stones to play at his 60th birthday party. Mick and Keith say that playing the 60th birthday party will be a great chance to keep in touch with their younger fans."
"In a new interview, Anna Nicole Smith says that she doesn't see anything wrong with feeding Prozac to her dog. Smith says 'I have to feed him Prozac because I've eaten everything in the house'."
"According to USA Today, only 15% of Americans can identify the chief justice of the Supreme Court. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I can't believe they don't know 'What's-His-Name'."
"Yesterday, the Democratic national Committee announced that it has chosen Boston as the site for the 2004 convention. It's a perfect match because neither the Democrats nor the Red Sox can win in the fall."
"In this week's New Yorker, a political expert predicts that a war with Iraq would only last 2 or 3 months. Actually the exact estimate was 2 to 3 months, or the length of a Jennifer Lopez marriage."
"Anna Nicole Smith says she wants to strip nude in an upcoming episode of her show. It's all part of the E! networks First Annual Whale Week."
"Yesterday, the San Francisco Giants hired 67-year-old Felipe Alou to be their manager, making him the oldest manager in baseball. You can tell he's old because when the players take the field he always screams, 'Get off my lawn.'"
"In a speech yesterday, President Bush said he will not tolerate "deception, denial or deceit" from Saddam Hussein. Then afterwards, the President told his speechwriter, 'I haven't seen that many D's since high school.'"
"Yesterday, Pope John Paul II addressed the Italian Parliament and told Italians they should turn the country's low birth rate around by having more children. Then the Pope stopped and said, 'Not now, when you get home.'"
"Astronomers say that next week Europe will see one of the biggest meteor showers in history. Apparently everyone in France was excited and wanted to know, 'What's a shower?'"
"It's been reported that 68-year-old actress Sophia Loren has been asked to pose nude for 'Playboy'. Not surprisingly, she was asked by 'Penthouse.'"
"Last night Senator Jeb Bush won the election for governor of Florida and reportedly, President Bush was extremely pleased. Afterwards, the President said, 'It was amazing, not only did Jeb win, he even got more votes than the other guy'."
"In yesterday's election, Florida used a new state of the art touch-screen voting system. There were some problems in Palm Beach County when older voters complained they couldn't withdraw money from it."
"Last night during CBS's election coverage, Dan Rather said that one race was 'crackling like a hickory fire' and another was 'as tight as a Botox smile.' In a related story, people are beginning to say that Dan rather is "as crazy as a Dan Rather.'"
"In Los Angeles, Winona Ryder was found guilty of 2 of the 3 charges against her, including grand theft and vandalism. Her lawyer immediately filed an appeal while Winona started narrowing down her list of celebrity boxing opponents."
"This week, the Mattel Toy Company announced they're coming out with a doll inspired by the singer Shakira. They're also coming out with a blow-up doll inspired by Christina Aguilera."
"The White House is still celebrating their party sweep in the mid-term elections. President Bush was particularly happy since these are the only mid-terms he's ever done well on."
"Red Lobster announced they're going to open a new restaurant in Times Square. Just what we needed, another place in Times Square where you can get crabs."
"In a new interview, Liza Minnelli and her husband, David Gest, claim that a VH1 camera crew damaged their apartment walls and broke their furniture. Gest said 'the VH1 crew broke so much furniture that Liza and I were forced to sleep in the same bed'."
"Agents in Hollywood say that Winona Ryder's career could be hotter than ever after her well publicized trial. Immediately after hearing this, Emilio Estevez went out and stole a car."
"In Nevada voters rejected a ballot measure that would have legalized small amounts of marijuana. Opponents said legalizing pot would have sent the wrong message to Nevada's young gamblers and prostitutes."
"Earlier today, the U.S. Air Force dropped hundreds of thousands of leaflets over southern Iraq urging Saddam Hussein's military not to fire on the on American planes. Unfortunately, the U.S. dropped the wrong leaflets and Iraqis spent the whole day ordering Chinese food."
"This week in Georgia, singer Bobby Brown was arrested for driving his car without proof of insurance. Reportedly, he told police, 'Of Course, I can't get insurance, I'm Bobby Brown.'"
"McDonald's announced today that because of low profits, it will close 175 of its locations. After hearing this Clearasil immediately laid off half its employees."
"This week a Rhode Island doctor was given six months probation because a woman came in to complain about a pain in her leg and the doctor exposed himself. In his defense, the doctor said, 'Hey, she forgot about the pain her leg didn't she?'"
"The papers are reporting that New York City is facing a budget crisis and that the city is considering cutting subway service. If subway service is cut, thousands of New Yorkers will be forced to urinate at home."
Yesterday, a witness in the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial testified that Ryder was researching a movie role when she was arrested. Not surprisingly, the role was in a movie called 'The Winona Ryder Story."