quotes.
"The other day in Scotland, a man was arrested for having sex with a traffic cone. Apparently, when the man arrived home he told his wife, 'Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in a terrible traffic cone.'"
"It's been reported that the United States is considering pushing back an attack on Iraq until after the 1st of the year. When asked why a White House spokesperson said, 'It's hard to get President Bush to focus on anything until after Santa comes."
"In Chicago, a librarian is in trouble for having sex with three teenage boys. When asked about it, the librarian said, 'I told those boys to keep quiet.'"
"This week, Martha Stewart launches her new line of furniture. Not surprisingly, Martha's new furniture consists of bunk beds and a small, metal toilet."
"Last night at an NHL game a naked man tried to go streaking, but when he jumped on the ice, he slipped and was knocked unconscious. If anybody's wondering, I'm feeling much better."
Last night, President Bush gave a speech outlining the case against Iraq and the Fox Network was the only major network to televise the President's address. Not surprisingly, the Fox network insisted on calling the speech 'When Presidents Attack.'"
"Over the weekend in New York, the Museum of Sex had its grand opening. Reportedly, women spent hours in the museum whereas men were in and out in just a few minutes."
"Time Incorporated announced this week that they are going to shut down their 'Mutual Funds Magazine' due to a lack of interest. On the other hand, subscriptions are thriving at their brand new magazine, 'CEO Prison Bitches.'"
"Reported today that in the next month, the Republican Party is making a serious push to attract Latino voters. President Bush said after we get the Latino votes, we're going to go after the Hispanic votes."
"Rapper Snoop Dogg has announced that he has given up smoking marijuana. As a result, Snoop Dog now has 16 free hours a day."
"Chris Judd, Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband, announced he's launching a new career as an action star and says he plans on being 'the next Vin Diesel.' Judd says if that doesn't work, he's just going to marry Vin Diesel."
"According to USA Today a new medical study says that 64% of Americans are now overweight. The good news is the other 36% are chubby chasers."
"On Friday, Barbara Walters will interview Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro, and they'll discuss what it's like to be in power for so long that all your contemporaries retire and die. And then they'll talk about Castro."
"This week, Entertainment Weekly lists the 100 most powerful people in Hollywood. Not surprisingly, the number one most powerful person in Hollywood is the guy who helps Anna Nicole Smith put on her bra."
"Today is David Lee Roth's 47th birthday. Not only that, it's also the 11th anniversary of people asking, 'What the hell happened to David Lee Roth?'"
"The other day in California, airport security arrested a man after he was caught hiding two monkeys in his pants. Airport security never would have caught the man, but one of the monkeys had packed nail clippers."
"Yesterday Congress voted to give President Bush the authority to use force against Iraq, and one of the people voting for the bill was New Yorker Senator Hillary Clinton. This is a historic event, because, this is the first time Hillary Clinton has ever said yes to a U.S. president."
"According to the New York Times the Bush administration is working on a postwar plan for Iraq that would transform that country into a Democracy. And if it works in Iraq, they'll try it in Florida."
"Ratings for NBC's 'The West Wing' are down this year and last week, it almost lost in the ratings to ABC's 'The Bachelor.' As a result, next week, Martin Sheen's character will choose one of 25 hot new first ladies."
"Kmart is being criticized for continuing to air an ad which features Martha Stewart sniggled tightly in bed with her linens. In response, Kmart is planning a new series of ads where Martha ties her linens together and escapes out a prison window."
"Early this morning, former President Jimmy Carter was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and $1 million for his promotion of human rights. Carter then shocked everybody by saying, 'Thanks suckers, this will buy a lot of lap dances.'"
It's been reported that seven players on the New York Mets used marijuana this season. So I guess this proves that our parents were right, marijuana is for losers."
"According to New York Daily News, Liza Minnelli and her husband David Gest recently got into a huge argument at a restaurant. Apparently Liza and her husband got into a fight over who had more ex-boyfriends."
"Over the weekend, the man who started Dunkin' Donuts passed away at 86. His last request was that his casket be gently dipped in a giant cup of coffee."
"According to Forbes Magazine, during the last three years, Microsoft's Bill Gates lost 42 billion dollars. Fortunately Bill Gates' wife found the money while vacuuming under the couch cushions."
"It was reported today that a citizens group is trying to remove porn channels from hotels across the country. The group is called the people who want to ruin everything."
"Yesterday at a Democratic fundraiser Al Gore asked the crowd, 'Are you better off than you were two years ago.' Most people in the crowd said, 'No, but at least we're better off then Al Gore."
"Yesterday, the 99-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond made his final speech in the Senate. Not surprisingly, the speech was entitled, 'I nailed Betsy Ross.'"
"The other day, guards at a Czech Republic prison discovered tat a prisoner was hiding a walkie-talkie in his butt. The prisoner denies the charges and claims that the guards are 'just talking out of their asses."
"According to today's New York Post, Liza Minnelli's new husband, David Gest, finally decided to sell his bachelor pad. Not surprisingly, Gest decided to take all the bachelors with him."
"A group of scientists in Boston announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time. This great news for dentists and guests on "the Jerry Springer Show."
"The other day Justin Timberlake told a DJ on a New York radio station that Britney Spears isn't a virgin anymore because he had sex with her while they were going out. Timberlake says it wasn't a big deal to him because he also deflowered all in the guys in N'Sync."
"In a recent interview, Tom Cruise said that he supports President Bush's plan of attack Saddam Hussein. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's great, all we need now is the go ahead form Julia Roberts.'" "Yesterday, Liza Minnelli and her husband David Gest told reporters that they upcoming reality show will be nothing like 'The Osbornes.' Apparently the main difference will be that people watch 'the Osbornes.'"
"In France, a man has sued over the countries ban on 'dwarf tossing' claiming that it has kept him from earning a living. Not surprisingly, the judge threw the case and the dwarf out of court."
"Fans of Superman are upset because it's been reported that the plot of the next Superman movie includes the story line Jimmy Wilson is gay. Apparently, you can tell that Jimmy Olsen is gay because he keeps trying to get into the phone booth with Clark Kent."
Yesterday Canada's Prime Minister said that as of now, Canada will not help the United States if we decide to launch a strike on Iraq. When asked why, Canada's Prime Ministers said, 'I'd like to help, but I'm pretty sure we don't have an army.'"
"It was reported that in Florida earlier today, Janet Reno was turned away from the voting booth at least once, before she was allowed to vote. Apparently that voting clerk finally recognized Reno when she picked up the voting booth and threw it through the window."
"It was reported today that Anna Kournikova is launching her own line of cosmetics, including a deodorant. Apparently the slogan is 'The deodorant for people who smell as bad as Anna Kournikova's tennis game."
"In a new interview, Sylvester Stallone said that he wants to star in one more 'Rambo' movie. The movie's going to be called,' Rambo 4: I Need the Money.'"
"It was reported today that 'American Idol' winner Kelly Clarkson is about to sign a movie deal. In a related story, runner up Justin Guarini has gotten a job at a movie theater."
"A man in Hawaii woke up this week after seven years in a coma. Reportedly the first thing the man said was, 'George W. Bush is what?'"
"Earlier this week, the very first Starbucks opened in Iowa. Not only that, yesterday, the millionth Starbucks opened in Iowa."
"This week in Florida's race for governor, Janet Reno, who had a 30-point lead in June, has lost the democratic primary. When asked about it Reno said, 'I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts.'"
"In Florida police closed a highway because of a suspected terrorist threat and blew up a suspicious package. Experts say that up until now the only suspicious package in Florida belonged to Janet Reno."
"Former Ohio Congressman James Traficant has announced he's running for re-election despite the fact that he is serving an eight year sentence in prison. Traficant says he's already lined up votes from all 7 of his new husbands."
"Alyssa Milano says she turned down a recent request to take part in a 'Who's the Boss reunion movie. When asked why Milano said, 'Because it's a 'Who's the Boss' reunion movie."
"It's been reported that Keanu Reeves will play Superman in a new movie. In the Keanu Reeves version, villains don't use Kryptonite to stop Superman they just use big words."