Quick Jokes

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Ugly Baby:

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've
ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up
there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for
you."

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New Doctor:

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time
found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began
undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming
examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments
over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door
and the doctor walked in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and
down carefully.

"Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until
today you have never had an eye exam."

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NASA:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.

Confronted with the same problem the Russians used a pencil.

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Adam and Eve:

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's
all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll
make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and
clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently
on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam
says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is,
it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Damn,
that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

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It's today's Prank:

Offer two of your friends marshmallows. Leave one of the  marshmallows as is and make a little hole in the other. Pour salt and pepper in and close it up. Put them back in to their place and offer them.

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Hunting:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency
services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator
says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on
the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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Work:

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

 That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

 And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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Sex Obsession:

A man goes visits a psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I     (OK)
think I have an obsession with sex."

The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him
various drawings. First, the doctor draws a square and asks
the man to identify it.

The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people having
sex!"

Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps
and says, "One man having sex."

Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which the patient
identifies as "two woman and one man having sex."

The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient,
"Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."

The man replies, "Me? You're the one drawing all the dirty
pictures!"

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Comunicaton Problems:

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ....it said, "It's 5:00am, wake up."

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How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

Q) How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q) Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
A) Because, if it was small, white and smooth would be an Aspirin.

Q) What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A) Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q) Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
 A) So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q) Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A) No? Well, it must work then!

Q) What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A) Nothing, Silly! Everyone knows that peanuts can't talk.

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Talking To God:

 A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
 
 "God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
 
 God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
 
 The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
 
 God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
 
 The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
 
 God answered, "In a minute."

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Opening:

A man went to apply for a job.  After filling out all of his application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his application and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

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Air Plane:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps
up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want
to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on
this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron
this!”

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Junk Mail:

Here's the deal: Tired of getting all those Pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd Mortgages, and crap like that?

If the answer is, "Yes!". Read on. If "no," read on anyway, since most of us don't care for banks anyway.

Well, most if not all of those letters come with a postage
"PREPAID"envelope. So why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! If you
didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their
application back (TOTALLY BLANK)! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want. Keep 'em guessing that way. Let's turn this into a chain letter. Eventually, The banks will begin
getting all their garbage back in the mail. Let's let them know what's its like to get junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it! Twice! Only in America! Send this to a friend or two or three.....or ten.....or twenty!!!!!

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Laws of the Universe:

Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale.  Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

"The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

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Flowers:

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".
 
 The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
 
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"

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Survivor:

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man,

Your damn plane only went down yesterday!"

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Big Expectation:

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman
you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life
with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."

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Signs That You're Suffering Burnout:

You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."

You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

You sleep more in class than at home.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

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First Date:

Joe took a girl out on their first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything you asked if you could do."

"Well," Joe said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your knee?"

"N-n-no," the girl replied.

"You know," Joe said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if
you're serious about this."

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