What is the internet? -A FAQ for beginers.

A duck walks into a bar...

Christmas Story.

Actual Air Force maintenance complaints.

Telemarketers.

Procrastinator's Creed.

Funny Answering Machine Messages.

The US Marines.

The Modern Ark.

Golf Balls.

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler.

Pretzel Eating in Safety and Comfort.

Mensa Test.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion  Chart.

Crowded In Heaven.....

Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks.

Top Bumper Sticker's seen around the world.

Speeding.

How to Find Jesus.

How to Identify and Defuse a Bomb.

---

What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners:

Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
government, business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They are really
desperate for your business with them.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple,
"user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if
you have no previous computer experience -- to provide
the on-line services with the information they need to
automatically put monthly charges on your credit card
bill forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal
organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK!  I have one!  You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having
Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment,
an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of
people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so
nobody will l know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and
hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to
be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a
hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty
to women -- or to other 13-year-old boys. To give you
an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be,
here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue
(Do not read this scintillating repartee while
operating heavy machinery.)


LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of
global-network information, such as whether or not
PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
messages to each other, back and forth, back and
forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.

Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly

Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS

(LONGISH PAUSE)

HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,
umm, your...
HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching
them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your
entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU
ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!

Wazootyman: Hey, thanks

HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING
BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY
MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION
PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL
YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE
WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote
in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??
YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE
FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops


Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the
Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein
people, by posting messages, discuss political topics
of the day.

Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.

Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,
fans post messages about how much they love Barry
Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages
about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And
then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
posting messages about how much they hate Barry
Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter
messages and vicious name-calling that can go on
for months.

Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.

Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.

Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all
titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific
discussions that expand the frontiers of human
understanding.

Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. Indeed it is.

Back

---

A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have
my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck inquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the hell do they want with a welder?"

Back

---

Christmas Story:

Several weekends ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Christmas shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking
very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and
wet in the parking lot.

As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold
night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large
family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had
died when he was 9-years-old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Christmas Day presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Back

---

Actual US Air Force maintenance complaints:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they are there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Smart bombs missed targets
(S) Replaced Smart bombs with Intelligent ones.

(P) Fuel smell in cockpit
(S) Placed two dead fish under ejection seat

Back

---

Telemarketers: When a Simple No Doesn't Work Tested Tips for the Targeted Consumer:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
for bankruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, "How long can I keep it?  Do I have to ever pay it back?"
  
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" start to sniffle
and say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems ... my sciatica is acting up, and my dog just ran away."  Be sure to describe your recent surgery in detail.  Whatever you do, keep talking about your problems over their sales pitch.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the Sis Company, ask
him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company's name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that ...

4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!"  (Assuming her name is Judy), "Is this really you?  I can't believe it!  Judy, how have you BEEN?"  This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

5. Say, "NO," over and over.  Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak.  This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family
and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends ... anymore ... would you be my friend?"

7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out?  You can?  Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood -- chicken blood, too?"

8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."  Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.  When they get back to the sales pitch, just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You:  "Watertronics!  Hey I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there, too?  How's business?"

10. Tell the telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.  If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home.  If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," yell, "Yeah!  I know HOW YOU FEEL!"

Back

---

Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

Back

---

Answering Machine Messages:

1. My girlfriend and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished.

2. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll
think about returning your call.

3. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his re-
frigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

4. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
why we're not here. So, leave a message.

6. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

7. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Back

---

The US Marines:

A Taliban Army platoon was on patrol when the commander
noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area. The commander told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood
there looking at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.

The commander was really angry now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The bloodthirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, cuts were all over his body. The commander asked for a report.

The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice: "Sir,...run,.it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

Back

---

The Modern Ark:

 The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. So I am ordering you to build an Ark."
 
 And, in a flash of lightning, the Lord delivered the specifications for the Ark.
 
 "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
 
 "I'm your man."
 
 "Six months and it starts to rain," warned the Lord. "You better have my Ark completed -- or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
 
 Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping. There was no Ark.
 
 "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"
 
 A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
 
 "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, but your plans didn't meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.
 
 "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I spent months trying to get a variance from the city planning board.
 
 "After all that, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees, to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to *save* the owls, but they wouldn't listen. And they wouldn't let me catch any owls, either - so no owls on the Ark.
 
 "Then the carpenters' union started picketing my home because I wasn't using union carpenters. I had to halt construction and begin negotiating with the National Labor Relations Board.
 
 "Next, I started gathering up the animals -- but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
 
 Just when that suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
 
 "Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan.
 
 I sent them a globe - and they went ballistic!
 
 "The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.
 
 "Lord, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's any way I can finish the Ark in less than five years - if ever!"
 
 With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
 
 "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But I'm going to do it with something far worse than a mere flood. Something far more destructive. Something that man himself created."
 
 "What's that?" Noah asked.
 
 "Government!" said the Lord.

Back

---

Golf Balls:

 Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off,
 when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf
 ball.
 
 "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The
 other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
 
 "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you
 lose that ball?"
 
 The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I
 won't lose it so I don't need another one."
 
 Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot
 and the ball goes in the lake?"
 
 "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats.
 I'll be able to retrieve it."
 
 "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets
 lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
 
 The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special
 golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back --
 no problem."
 
 Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes
 late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand
 trap. What are you going to do then?"
 
 "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is
 florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
 
 Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the
 friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that
 anyway?"
 
 The other guy replies, "I found it."

Back

---

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler:

 Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
 Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
 don't know.
 
 Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive
 car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control
 up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road
 and mounting the curb.
 
 Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
 I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to
 lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
 
 Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
 turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
 illegally.
 
 No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
 remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
 
 Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
 The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
 carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
 contrasting polish should be selected).
 
 If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
 Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!
 The blockage is almost instantly removed.
 
 Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
 The following morning you can create the effects of
 hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid
 and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Back

---

Pretzel Eating in Safety and Comfort:

A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid

Congratulations on purchasing a bag of Mr Salty Pretzels! Correctly used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed.

YOU WILL NEED

1 x comfortable chair

1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)

1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your choice

Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be DANGEROUS

STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG

This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.

1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp plastic edges.

2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.

3. If you should LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to smack yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result in OBVIOUS BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into the safe haven of the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result.

If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now proceed to step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is achieved.

*** *** ***

STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG

1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.

2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO WITHDRAW EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may prefer to wait until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You should also ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in progress before attempting this manoeuvre.

3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel. DO NOT attempt to select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this an extremely advanced manoeuvre and highly risky in itself, but it will unnecessarily complicate step 3 and will almost certainly lead to brain injury, death and further embarrassment. If you FAIL to secure a pretzel, open the finger and thumb, then close again in a different position -
although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a pretzel is secured.

4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye, smack head on door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive meat skewers through fleshy parts of upper arm.

With the pretzel now secured in the hand, the operation is nearly complete. However, you cannot afford to let your guard down.


*** *** ***

STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH

1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR EYES FIXED ON THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand. Should the pretzel DROP at this point, you will have to repeat step 2.

2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS FACE - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.

3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT.

4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force pretzel in. Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely encased in mouth orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that mouth is open and that pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror may be helpful.

5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH. Failure to perform this easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling injuries. If you are in any doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will probably be just visible inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL CLEAR before step 4 commences.

You are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however the last step is by far the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken. Inexperienced eaters of pretzels may care to practice without pretzels in order to have confidence in steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the pretzel "fire fight" which is step 4.

*** *** ***

STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL

1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST 20 ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOUT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE
FOR INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE
RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.

2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting
substance to rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT LINGER AT THIS POINT EITHER. All your concentration must now be brought to bear on guiding the pretzel safely down the oesophagus, without inhaling and without passing out due to lack of oxygen.

3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-COMMENCE BREATHING.

Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1, until bag is empty or belly is full.


*** *** ***

TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE 1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating the bag.

2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the dogs.

3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal.

4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is empty.

5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR - Bag is upside down, or has been opened with undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.

6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.

7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT - You have placed pretzel in eye instead of mouth.

8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed pretzel in ear instead of mouth.

9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME - You have attempted to breathe while chewing and/or have failed to chew pretzel thoroughly.

10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels with
nuclear alert. Go back to watching television.

NB: If you are not President of the United States of America, the most powerful individual in the Western World and controller of the World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.

Back

---

 Mensa Test:

Q: What do you put in a toaster?
*
*
*
*
A: The answer is bread.  If you said "toast," then give up
now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If
you said "bread", go to the next question.

***

Q: Say "silk" five times.  Now, spell "silk."  What do cows
drink?
*
*
*
*
A: Cows drink water.  If you said "milk", please do not
attempt the next question.  Your brain is obviously over-
stressed and may even overheat.  It may be that you need
to content yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World."  If you said "water", then
proceed to the next question.

***

Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is
made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks,
a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse
made with?
*
*
*
*
A: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said "green
bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading
these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next
question.

***

Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany.  If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The
pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing.  Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany.  Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
*
*
*
*
A:  You don't, of course, bury the survivors.  If you said
ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.  Your efforts would not be appreciated...  If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

***

Q:  If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
*
*
*
*
A: One degree.  If you said "360 degrees" or anything else
other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on
getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league.
Turn your pencil in and exit the room.  Everyone else proceed
to the final question.

***

Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine
people get on.  In Swindon, two people get off and four get
on.  In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In
Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.  You then
arrive at Milford Haven.  Now, what was the name of the bus
driver?
*
*
*
*
A:  Oh, for Heaven's sake... It was you!

Back

---

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion  Chart:

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver  uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35°  Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians  drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 °  C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets  thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City  landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of  the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt.St. Helens  freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies  door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons  the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear  flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol  Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic  motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold,  eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes  over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

Back

---

Crowded In Heaven.....

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in
line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator...."

Back

---

Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks:

1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber- toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

Back

---

Top Bumper Sticker's seen around the world:

1. Constipated people don't give a crap.

2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

2. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings,"

4. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

5. Horn broken...watch for finger.

6. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

7. I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha

8. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

9. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

10. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

11. Illiterate? Write For Help

12. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

13. If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down,
on a jeep)

14. Don't be sexist-broads hate that

15. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Back

---

Speeding:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver:  I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:  It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver:  That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:  Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:  Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:  Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver:  It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver:  Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:  No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:  Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

Back

---

How to Find Jesus:

Finding Jesus can be critically important in an emergency. The key is knowing where to look.

1: Don't panic Many people, after realizing they have lost Jesus, become panicky. This can be very dangerous. Instead, take a few deep breaths, relax, and think: where was the last place you had Jesus? Go there.

2: Look around Be thorough. Did you look behind the couch? He might be there. Don't just glance around the room, either. Lift things up. He might be in the clothing hamper, for instance. Check there. He's probably right where you left Him.

3: Ask around If you still cannot find Jesus, talk to others. Do not ask them "have you found Jesus?" For one thing, they may have never misplaced him in the first place, so your question might be construed as awkward. Also, you might not want to admit you've lost Him, as this is a reasonably irresponsible thing to do. Instead, ask if they've seen Him recently, and if so, where. Here is a list of people who might know where Jesus is:

--Professional athletes. They are finding Jesus on a daily basis, because He is a big sports fan.

--Clergymen. Priests, monks, pastors, rectors, elders, and chaplains are all good people to talk to about this. You may find that many of them haven't seen Jesus in a long time, but they are usually pretty good at finding Him in a pinch.

--The Pope. The upside is that not only does he know where to find Jesus, he probably had lunch with Him yesterday. The downside is that the Pope's schedule is usually very full.

4: Bounty hunters If you are still unable to find Jesus, you may want to consider this option, although it is somewhat extreme and not likely to work. Bounty hunters are people who will find Jesus for you, but you have to pay them. They usually dress in white clothing for some reason, many are from the South, and all of them spend a lot of time on television announcing their desire to help you find Jesus, provided you send them cash. Dealing with a bounty hunter is a lot like speaking to a used car salesman. If you ask "how much will it cost to find Jesus?" they may quote a price, but that is not the final price, and next week they are charging you double. If you are not careful, before long you will have sent them all of your money, and they still have not found Jesus for you. Then they will claim that this is your fault. The truth is, they either don't know where to find Jesus, or they mistook someone else for Him.

Things to know:

-Once you have found Jesus, keep an eye on him. He may wander off again.

-In the event that you never find Jesus, consider the possibility that He does not want you to find Him.

Back

---

How to Identify and Defuse a Bomb:

There are many different types of bombs and many different ways to defuse them. This list is not exhaustive. In general, it's a good idea to avoid anything ticking and anything strapped together with duct tape, especially if it's also strapped to the chest of a religious fanatic.

Types of bombs

--The "black cannonball" with the lit fuse sticking out of it This is the most recognizable type of bomb, and is very easy to defuse.

1: Pull fuse out of bomb This may not work.

2: Throw bomb into large body of water Small bodies of water also work quite well, but not sinks. Spitting is not terribly effective either.

"Black cannonball" bombs usually do not have a great deal of concussive force, so if you are unable to defuse it, don't worry. The worst that can happen is that you end up with tattered clothes, a blackened face, and your hair standing straight up in the air and smoking.

--The time bomb Time bombs can be identified by their prominently displayed timepieces, which can be either digital or analog.

1: Locate the clock It should be easy to find. As a rule, there will not be enough time on it for you to get an expert to defuse it for you.

2: Find the wires All time bombs have wires coming out of the timer, and the wires are always different colors. There are usually two wires, but some have three.

3: Prepare to cut one This will be the wrong wire. Do not actually cut it, but it's important to make the bomb think you are going to cut it.

4: Pick a different wire It doesn't matter which one.

5: Say something pithy "Here goes nothing" is fairly standard. Also, "I hope this works.."

6: Pause dramatically, and then cut the wire Do not exhale for several seconds. The clock may stop ticking, but it doesn't have to.

--The radio-controlled bomb These are very similar to time bombs in that should you find an opportunity to locate the actual bomb, you can defuse it by cutting a colored wire at random. Often, however, this is not an option.

1: Locate the person with the radio-controller He is usually an evil terrorist of some sort. If you cannot find him quickly, you may want to ask around. ("Hello, are you an evil terrorist?")

2: Beat him up This is the quickest way to get the remote device. Shooting him can also be very effective.

--The nuclear bomb These simply don't explode, but since everyone gets all worried about the threat of them going off, it's best to respect them nonetheless.

1: Find out who has the bomb and what they want Usually, they have very reasonable demands, i.e., getting missiles out of Cuba. Try and meet these demands if possible.

2: Claim to have bombs of your own They don't know if you really have a bomb any more than you really know if they have a bomb. With luck, they will spend all their money trying to have more bombs than you do, and not have enough left over to actually launch the bombs in your direction.

--The cinematic bomb These are characterized by extremely poor newspaper reviews consisting of one star or fewer. While extremely dangerous, they defuse themselves within a week or two, although they can resurface later on videotape.

Back

---