When I’m the Queen of Spain
I am far too lazy to take over the world myself. However, I have no objections to somebody else doing it and then giving me a country. As you may have gathered, the country I am after is Spain, which comes as no surprise to most people.
Disclaimer: I do not actually own Spain. I am not attempting to usurp whoever does actually own Spain. I pledge allegiance to Ham/Adam/Rain/whichever one of the many of my power-crazed bunch achieves domination first. I am aware of my insanity and also that this is not the responsible way to run a country. But the day I do anything in a responsible way is the day I shall shoot myself. Thank you for your attention.
Ø My friend Jess is going to take over Bulgaria and turn it into a giant walk-in wardrobe.
Ø Bananas will be outlawed in my country. I’ve had it up to here with them pulling guns on me in the supermarket.
Ø I am going to suddenly and rapidly mutate into Queen Elizabeth from Blackadder 2, and go around speaking in a silly voice, making odd demands of my court and putting people under death warrant then letting them off, all for no apparent reason.
Ø If anybody attempts to play Gareth Gates, Avril Lavigne, an accordion or cricket in my presence, I shall force them to spend the rest of their lives picking up elephant manure with their bare hands. Yes, Gates, it was a very stupid mistake.
Ø Stewie Griffin is going to be in charge of all my military operations. I don’t care if he’s cartoon character.
Ø And if I catch anyone giving anybody (but especially me) that bloody “you’re weird” look, there will be big trouble.
I also intend to have a rather large entourage. Y’know, like I was Jennifer Lopez or something. Those who apply for a position now will have a much better time of it than those who start sucking up once I’m actually Queen. I don’t have many so far, just two or three grovelers and a back scrubbing apple peeler (thank you, Mark. Most useless of you). If anybody wants to apply for anything, please e-mail me and I shall consider your application. If you say anything bonkers, or apply for some completely off-your-rocker position, you’ll probably be accepted. You will also be listed in my Hall of Fame, which I shall set up as soon as I have enough candidates to do so.
This page is currently in the process of being updated. Check back for more future-Queenly rambles very soon.