The Manifesto
For a Queen to run her country best, she must have a manifesto, policies to make her country a better place. Here I present to you my plans for the country I will one day take over, on the off-chance that some people will take to it and agree to support me. Bear in mind those who pledge support earliest are most likely to be in court favour when my government is in power. So think about it.
The policy on education is very simple. Inhabitants will take control of their own destiny. At the beginning of the school year they will be given a leaflet explaining what they need to do to pass the year. From then on what they do is optional. Show up, don’t show up. Hand work in, don’t hand work in. However, if you want discipline this can be arranged. Girls may schedule their exams so they don’t clash with PMS.
Education is free (yup, all of it) and the schools’ upkeep will be maintained by taxing bad pop groups, bad films and bad TV shows. “Bad” will be defined by a specially appointed Board of Taste. This board will be fair to different types of music while separating the good from the bad (for example, everyone knows Westlife are shite. And if Avril Lavigne wants to bill herself as “punk”, she will be judged as punk and taxed more heavily than she would be otherwise. But she’ll still be taxed whatever genre she claims she is, cause she sucks).
There will be a debate on the National Anthem every five years to stop it getting hopelessly outdated. It will not, however, be open to public vote because of the seemingly appalling taste of the general public. Provisionally, the National Anthem will be James Brown’s I Feel Good.
Bigots, whatever they are bigoted against, will be sent to counselling to work out how their prejudice relates to their mothers. Hopefully they’ll either get over it or go nuts. Evangelists will have to have brain scans to prove they are sane. Then be sent to counselling. There will be zero tolerance on any religious fanatics who go around trying to convert people. It’s annoying and I am not putting up with it. However, if a group of people decide to make Jedi Knight a religion, they can have space for a temple and welcome.
There will be a list of Persons In Exile who may not come into the country. Mostly this will consist of people I don’t like. Proposed new names for the list must be submitted in writing and must be prepared for a full inquiry. However, I don’t care how strong the “Jim Davidson is a nice person” case is. Anyone who goes up on stage and makes jokes about rape thinking “ooh, that’ll get a laugh” is not coming anywhere near me or my country.
Yes, I do plan to castrate rapists. You know it makes sense.
The country’s mascot will be a small furry Forever Friends rabbit named Fred who wears a scarf. Fred rocks. The national animal is an aardvark. You cannot beat the aardvark.
Men will not be permitted to walk around with a stupid “curtains” hairstyle. It is not big, it is not clever, it looks ridiculous. Stop it. Any such man will be sent directly to the hairdressers’ and have to pay for the cut by way of a fine.
The policy on townies will be strict. Nobody is going to walk around my country looking that much of a state. It is not on. Puffa jackets will be under severe restriction, as will neon scrunchies and enormous gold earrings. It’s not pretty.
If people want to smoke, fine, but there will be special smokers’ cafes in which they may do so. There is no reason the rest of us should have that smell wafting around. Ditto cannabis. Go ahead and smoke it.
The working week will begin at 1pm on Monday afternoon and finish at 12 midday on Friday. This is a far more civilised way to go about things.
My policy on war is basically No, we have better things to be doing and better things to be spending our money on. If a country decides to invade us, we simply send in our team of psychologists to break their leader down to the level of a child. Either that or blackmail him.
Reality TV shows with the word “celebrity” in the title will be severely scrutinised to make sure that the people involved are in fact celebrities. Eighties one hit wonders are not celebrities. Somebody who has been on another reality TV show is not a celebrity.
The previously mentioned Board of Taste must look over the new lines in all high street clothes shops. Some of the things being sold at the moment need destroying for the sake of humanity. Also, punk clothes, Gothic clothes, etc. may not be sold in said shops as “this season’s look”. They are not seasonal looks. Stop it.
No TV channel may show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. It has been on every weeknight for years on end, and it is getting very tired. It must be ousted.
I intend to operate a mainly democratic system, but bear in mind there is a reason I’m in charge of it. So sit still and don’t fuss.
As of 22/04/04:
Everybody is to know the words to the song She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain When She Comes. In order to be a citizen, one must be able to sing it. Nobody who cannot sing it will be allowed to claim benefits. In times of tragedy, the whole nation will sing it in unison in order to pick up the world's spirit.
Suggestions will be readily welcomed.
The
Manifesto will be updated as regularly as I can be arsed.
Thank
you for supporting the Queen of Spain.