|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
// Menu
+ Splash// Navigation
+ Start of School// About Myself
Name: Rachel
Age: Fifteen
DOB: May 3, 1990
Religion: Christian
Height: 5'8"
Loves: Icecream
Race: Chinese
// Credits
Images: Darkmercy
Layout: Royal Iris D.
Downloaded at: DDG
This Blog: A Step Into My Life
I've had my fair share of pressure and drama for the last month or so. They say writing in a diary can relax you but I'm way to lazy to do all that writing, so here I am. Basically this is my continuing story of me chasing a guy and all the changes I go thru along the way. Trust me, if you don't want to read about anything doing about crushing or drama, at least read 'My Coordination Skills'. It'll be sure to put a smile on your lips =)
More About Me [Back To Top]
My name is Rachel/Roofus/Wu-Tang/Prince/Bitch. Yeah any of those would do. But my birth name was Rachel Wu =) I'm full Chinese and I can speak it too =D yeah! My personality? Hmm...I don't know what to say about that but I'm a outgoing person, easily embarassed, nervous, or shy. I do the craziest things ever only to regret them a second later. You see. B/c of a lot of crap in my childhood, its led me to be somewhat of an attention-seeker at times. Unlike most girls, I don't get that by being loud and annoying, I get it by suggesting really dirty things, pranks, tellings jokes, or just being CRAZY. That last one is my profession. And unlike most girls...especially asian girls. I'm probably...most different. I'm happy when I gain weight. (B/c my guy friends tell me I'm waaaay too skinny.)I have a high tolerance to stupid and rude/mean people. But once I reach that snapping point...they better get the hell out of my way. =) Last guy who touched my snapping point (2 years ago) I superglued his backpack shut, framed him, and got him sent up to the office. I felt bad like 5 minutes afterwards and tried to bail him out. The idiot refused my help tho...oh well. I'm a Christian and I'm trying to grow closer to God. So maybe thats why my patience is growing a bit. I'm learning to love everyone...including my enemies no matter HOW HARD it is. But because of all the changes that has been going on, I've felt really dependent on God. =) Which is a good thing.
Anyways, I like to think...weird huh? Just stuff about school or friendship or what my life would be like if I didn't move like...a zillion times. I'm impuslve and quixotic. But hey, thats what got me into this situation in the first place. It turned out for the better. It lost me my girl group but I've gained a lot of new friends, a new attitude, and a new outlook on people. Now I'm not too impulsive anymore. I TRY to look before I leap but...I'm Rachel, that'll probably be next to impossible if I do. I don't have a life sadly. I'm updating all this stuff on Saturday. Haha...but I'm on lock-down at the moment. Can't go anywhere b/c I got a D in AP Bio...boo hooo.
In The Beginning [Back To Top]
Lets start from the beginning. The start of summer school, or bummer school. I was taking an required class for AP Bio(morning) and Drivers Ed(afternoon) to get into my two AP classes of this year, obviously AP Bio and Euro. Now none of my friends were taking bummer school so I was stuck all by my lonesome. On the...what, third day of summer school I met a guy named Matt in Drivers Ed (No Matt's not the guy I like). I thought he was pretty cool and I started talking to him on the subject of his iAudio. The next day I started to talk to him a bit more I think. (It was like 4/5 months ago can't remember) But when I was taking my break in AP Bio I met up with a friend of mines named Wesley. Then I saw Matt (b/c they were friends) and I guess now we also had a mutual friend too. We started to talk more and I remember we started to crack jokes about condoms. The British call erasers, rubbers while Americans would condoms, rubbers. And we made stupid yet funny senerios about what would happen if a British guy was asking an American guy if he could borrow his "rubber".Well anyways I met up with two new friends, Jigar Patel and Jonathan Bui. Jigar was in my Drivers ED class but I never noticed. Now on to Jonathan, we just call him Bui. He looked like your average 5'5 everyday guy.Well the first time I met him I remember him saying that he was tired from arm wrestling in his Health class. So I was thinking, 'Ha, I've NEVER beating anyone in armwrestling so if I took on this Bui guy then I'll probably win. Then I'll end my losing streak. Yeah!' I looked him up and down. 'Yeah he doesn't look to strong good good.' I told him I would take him on and he gave me the WTF look? We were outside and he asked where we would armwrestle. I got on one knee, put my elbow on the other and told him like this. He looked kinda...freaked out? Lol but he beat me no problem. Oh well so much for my plan. Then one of the guys told him to flex and when he did, I think my jaw dropped a bit. Dud, he was BUFF. But it didn't show when I was arm wrestling him...maybe b/c of that XXXXL Proclub shirt, yeah that could be it. I was impressed and thinking 'Man...you can rape ME anytime you'd like!!! =^___^= meow...'
By the end of the third day I noticed that I started to crush on him. I liked his personality, the way he moved to the way his voice sounded and spoke. Deep but still soft. Every movement, every word, I wanted to memorize them all. I found myself thinking about him more and more until he seemed to take up permenate residence there.. He kinda reminded me of a teddy bear. I wanted to hug and snuggle into him and never let go. I found myself restraining myself at times. I started to hang out w/ their group and I met up with more people.
There was a guy named Hung that intrigued me. He's really good with computers and cars. Hung's personality was laided back and he's a pretty funny guy. You can't hate him no matter what. I met up with another guy named Jonathen (who has a pretty girlfriend) and on that day I learned an very interesting fact. Guys can somehow tell if your wearing thongs, granny panties, or nothing underneath jeans. Unfortunally I was wearing granny panties (I swear I usually don't!) and oh boy, embarassment city! But I kinda thought that was a weird talent...weird but funny.
I got to know all these guys a little better each day. The only time I spent with them was during break, and lunch time. But I knew that these were people I wanted to be friends with but I don't know what they thought of me. Well summer school ended and I kinda thought I would never see them again...
Main Characters [Back To Top]
*- People who are actually my friends friendsOther Characters [Back To Top]
-Robert ??? He has a crush on me since freshman year. And I met him in S'more year. 0_o wow, he said he noticed me when I was hanging out with Wesley and like how I was always so cheerful. Then he started to crush on me. I turned him down in the sake of Bui. But I can relate to his situation some how. We're not really friends but, I'm kinda indifferent to this guy.Bad Guys [Back To Top]
-Daniel Sohm If theres any person I want to run over with a monster truck, this guy has got to be the winner. He's a super intelligent person who has the IQ of 2000000000. Atheist and often critize my religion, Christianity. He really pushes me to the edge and even blackmailed me a couple of times. He's tricked me, manipulated me, and now I'm probably the only that's able to see thru. his tricks. I don't know what he says to the other people...but I'm worried about what he can do. I think he sufferes from a mental disorder where he doesn't have a coconscious. He picks on me alot and only me which makes me wonder....what if he had a crush on me? He's giving off some signs too...Mr Seko has actually threatened to handcuff us together for a lunch period. (for his entertainment purpose) But I think, I would rather gnaw my own hand off than be handcuffed to Daniel for 30 minutes.Start of School [Back To Top]
School started on Sept 5. I loathed it but somewhere in my heart I was hoping to see Bui. I saw my girl group and like any normal person, I ran to hug them and compare schedules. There was this one girl named Jonabelle that used to be my best friend but we never had any class together or went to each others houses. I guess she got more involved with the other people in the group as I got closer to another girl named Brittney.After 3rd period and on to snack I ran into one of my Christian friend, Christina. I walked and talked to her and HO! I ran into my guy squad in the 3rd quad of my school. I guess I was shocked dumb but happy because deep down in my heart, I knew in the short amount of time together, I had more fun with them than my girl group. So I stayed with them thru. snack and talked to Matt and another guy named Josh. We were talking a lil away from the group. Then Hung and Jonathen came over to us and we started to animately talk. I was really....really happy to see them again. I remember scanning over the group frequently until I saw Bui. I think I must've gone into cardic arrest standing up for a few moments from all the happiness.
I ditched my girl group for a second time that day during lunch. I guess even though we've spent 3 years together, I never really bonded with them. Yet even spending 3 years with an illusion of friends, it's still somewhat bonding right? I'll post up more about this later and what happend to them.
My Coordination Skills [Back To Top]
I'm not your average azn girl as you can see. My childhood has been just...a painful memory for me. It's really influenced what I am now. I used to be an attention seeker. When I was little I never got any at all. So thru 8th and 9th grade...I've acted like a dumb blonde. I've trained myself to be...a little stupid, uncoordinated to get some attention, and put alot of body movements into my talking. I love seeing people laugh, its like music to my ears when they laugh at my jokes or something funny I say. But I've never gotten used to people laughing at ME. Such as...Daniel being an ass and insulting me...I've never found that funny, how can other people do so? Thats been happening alot and I'm just at the snapping point. I think the next time he does something that pisses me off one more time...he's gonna be very very sorry.Anyways back to the dumb blonde thing. Now in 10th grade, I try not to draw too much attention but -_-;; its not working. I want to impress Bui by being graceful, elegant, and poised, like a real lady. I even turned a bit emo and softer spoken but...ITS NOT WORKING!! Somehow...SOMEWAY, I make an ass of myself in front of Bui. I'll even name you a couple times:
Cupcake Incident - It was a Friday, lunch time. I was eating someone's B-Day Cupcake. Matt comes up to me and tries to smoosh it into my face by pressing my hand into my face. I know his tricks too well so I guided my hand sideways so it missed my face and flew into the ground. I was peeved but hey, its just food. Suddenly I found it smashed into my face. Some guy named Christian who I barely talked to before [but now do...he's really mischevious] had it all over my cheek. So yeah I picked the cupcake up as he was running and flung it at him. It hit him in his shirt. I regretted what I did. [B/c I know guys are really finky about being clean now-a-days] And went over to apologize to him while cleaning off his shirt...the cake was still all over my face but hey, I was more worried about him at the moment. Dunno why. I finished brushing it off and turned around to go back to the other part of the group. When...IT WAS SMOOSHED INTO MY FACE AGAIN! Matt had somehow gotten the cupcake when I was cleaning off Christian's and of course I was on the verge of telling him off. On the inside, I seriously felt like crying right there. All of this was happening RIGHT IN FRONT OF BUI. So of course I feel like a fool. I was actually hoping that the earth would just swallow me up right then and there. Or that God would send a thunderbolt at me in the middle of a sunny day. Matt blamed it on someone who "told him to do it." So I guess I just forgave him since Matt IS in impulsive idiot at times. But I was just too sad at the moment to give another thought. I wonder what Bui was thinking of me at the moment. Later that day I ran into John and I let down my front. The front where I was always cheerful, happy, and confident. He never paid me much attention before but now I guess he could sense what I was feeling. I asked him if Chris hated me. But I still remember what he told him that day. "Rachel, nobody hates you, they're just guys being guys who don't know when to stop." It was a start of a friendship somehow. =) I guess maybe something good DID come out of this.
Backflipped into the Cement - It was a VERY painful experiance. Happened recently too. I was lying on a stone ledge trying to get some Z's. Wesley came by and we were just talking. I grabbed onto his wrist, [just felt like it] and he started to move away. BAD IDEA. My body rotated 90 degrees to the right so I was hanging off the ledge...kinda like this ->>
Waterproof Mustache Drawings & Video Taping Don't Mix - A long time ago...in a faraway land. Alright, that's where I wished it happened. Usually whenever I get out of AP Bio and my crazy psychotic teacher and his psycho class, I'm feeling pretty emo for good reasons. So while I was sitting on the ledge fishing for my eyeliner [I put that on when I'm pissed] I was talking to people from the group. I had this crazy idea I wanted to try. I wanted to walk around for the rest of my day, with a french mustache and make funny faces with it. Maybe put on a fake accent. [It was for attention...OK?! Gah...] I told my idea to some people standing in front of me. BAD IDEA. Christian was like OH OH! I WANNA DRAW IT ON YOUR FACE. I thought he was just going to make a simple...small...one...I WAS WRONG. He pretty much tagged all over my face. [Ok I let him. Bleh, also a bad idea. I wanted to know what would happen from all this.] He gave me a beard, a mustache, and a unibrow. All badly drawn. Matt drew a smile face on my forehead. And all throughout lunch they pratically dragged me thru the whole school w/ half the group. I was suppose to pretend to be a guy named Tristain who was desprate for a date...even with guys. I went up to teachers too while Chris and Matt would film the whole thing. Hahaha There was this one guard I went up to. I poked her in the rib and pulled back this one trenchcoat I was wearing and said "Hey..you wanna buy a **pulled back this one trenchcoat I was wearing** watch?" Yeeeaahh...Chris would set me up with different people to show my face too. There was this one Chinese boy who jumped up in fright too. LMAO. At the last minutes of lunch I was trying to wipe it all off. But then...I forgot...IT WAS WATERPROOF. I went back to the group and now looked like I had a 5'o clock shadow. At the corner of my eyes I saw Bui looking curiously at me. I smiled at him but he looked away and down, trying to avoid eye contact. I don't exactly blame him. Bell rang for the end of lunch and I trudged to Math class with a heavy heart wondering how much of a idiot Bui thinks of me now. I didn't think it would turn out this way. It made me happier when I ran into our principle and he was staring at my face while I was walking his way down the hall. I snapped at him and said "What? Can't a girl have a 5'o clock shadow? Can't I just shave in peace?" And kinda walked/stomped off. I loved his expression ->> .___o;;
Sacrfices & Drama
Old Friendships [Back To Top]
I lost my friends. In the midst of trying to fit in with the guys, I lost my 3 year friendship with 3 people. Of course I was part of a bigger groupie but those were the only people that I felt close too. We had deemed ourselves the 4 Musketers.
-Brittney Lynch - A white preppy blonde girl, a little chubby but cute. She spent alot of time online flirting with guys b/c she doesn't socialize outside of our circle. Loves anime and being crazy. Maybe thats where I got mines from =)
-Jonabelle Reyes - Flip girl with family trouble. Into cutting and was my best friend in 8th grade. We won a Science Olympic medal together and got into trouble with Mercury together. But in 9th grade she grew into depression while I was healing from it. Me and Brit tried everything we could to help but she didn't want to accept it. She's a quiet girl but has a nice personality, would bend over backwards for her friends.
-Sarah Lee - Rich Korean girl, who is a bit chubby too. She was always eating and reading anime. She was usually found zoning out and a bit...spoiled. Sorry but I liked her better in 7th & 8th grade. She has a rather bland personality and actually fell in love with multiple comic guys. I mean...sure I can understand if your doing that in 7th grade but...dear your in 9th grade, almost 10th ^^;;
-Others - Amanda D, Dominque, and Kristen.
This is group that I hung out with since middle school. Funny thing is...for 3 years I've never felt all that close to them. They would get mad at me if I hung out with other groups then them. I guess they thought cold-shouldering me would bring me back or something. It brought the reverse effect, it futher my drive to make friends with the guys. Alot of them knew me as a love-struck girl and I actually tried to chase after a senior once. Haha, but yeah. At first I didn't understand why they would cut me out of the circle.
I remember this one AIM conversation I had with Brittney. Somewhere in there she said that my guy friends where better than them. I was like WTF? I know Britney. And when she said that, she meant it with malice. Like all the other times I hung out with different groups. I know this might be selfish of me to say but...I think if your friends with someone and they started to drift away, then its YOUR job to chase after them or at LEAST let them know how your feeling. My girlfriends did neither.
I only spent a couple of lunches and snacks with the guys but now, now I just gave up. Kyle once saw me struggling to fit in with them again but invited me over to the guy group. I think I owe him alot for that b/c I was a girl who deeply analyzed every movement of a person to see if they enjoyed my presence or not. So by just, asking me why was I hanging out with them, and motioning me over to him I guess I felt really happy that someone wanted me somewhere. I used to be really sensitive but now...after alot of crap, I'm not THAT sensitive anymore. Thanks Kyle, he were probably the only one that cared that day. =) I owe him.
Yet, I knew that somewhere deep in my heart I had to choose. Stick with the guys and TRY to make friends or go back to my comfort zone. A penpal named Laura over AIM told me something really wise...Follow my heart. At first I responded "Thats the advice you say when you don't know what to say...bleh." I thought about that all night. I finally decided. It was the guys that I choosed. I know the old saying goes that a guy shouldn't come between you and your girlfriends. Alright how about if your girlfriends were overpossessive freaks who loved anime guys and were SO CRAZY (the bad kind) it actually had you backed into a tree once? It was scary but I stepped out of my comfort zone and just waited to see where this road would go. My "girlfriends" and I just didn't click anymore.
I'm glad I got out of that group. There's something I didn't mention about my girl group. They were full of self-pity and attention-seekers. My attention seeking is NOTHING compared to theirs. Plus they were also a bit sucidel and claimed that they suffered from depression. Ok peoples. We all know, if you suffer from something, then you don't know if you suffer from it or not. Like me, I think I had a minor dose of depression in 8th grade b/c I was being sexually harasses, a LITTLE physically abused, and verbually assulted by these 5 guys like every day. And no, my girlfriends did like jack shit about it. I didn't know I suffered from depression until I got over it by 9th grade. But hey, I'm healed and I've moved on. I think if I stayed with my girlgroup, I'd probably be still depressed right now b/c -_-;; they're a bit depressing to be around too...
Crushes [Back To Top]
-John - Before this year I didn't believe in AIM drama. Yeeeeehh...John proved that wrong to me the night he told me he liked me. I was trying to comfort him and make him feel better about this one girl who didn't return his feelings. I could relate, so I wanted to help him. Instead, I guess he's hormones got in the way and he said he was starting to like me. On my side of the computer screen I was holding my head wondering how I was going to solve this. You see, I never delt with crushes before. I just want to please everyone and make everyone happy. I kinda shy away from 3 guys in the past that had crushes on b/c I just don't feel comfortable around them anymore. John was different, he was my friend and I wanted this friendship to hold. So I told him, I could only see him as a friend or a brother and I cannot return any feelings if its more than that. I know that he was crazy for that one girl and she was on his mind 24/7. I understood that he was just probably confused. =) And I think our friendship only got stronger from all this.-Robert - I barely knew this guy before I found out he liked me. I could pick up small signs too. He knew my last name before I told anyone. He seemed to pop out of nowhere just to talk to me and he randomly said Hi to me at times in the group. Yeaaahhh...I think that was all I needed to know. One day, we were chatting over AIM and I really wanted to know who he liked. I REALLY hoped that it wasn't me. We played the guessing game. He liked me....gah. I told him the same thing I told John, but for John, I actually meant it. Plus I cut out the brother part. It's just that Robert was kinda of like my ex-friend's personalities. Plus, he spells my name wrong on AIM.
-Bui - Robert told me Bui likes another girl from another school. Totally broke my heart on Nov 14. I called up my friend Lillian and just sobbed everything to her. At the moment, I'm trying to get over him but ITS NOT WORKING! *sobs harder* c(=
-Me!! =) I like Bui. Striaght and Simple.
My Mind + Bui = 24/7 [Back To Top]
In the peak of liking Bui [Which is probably the closest it'll ever get to love] it was like he took up permanent residence there. Thinking of him was my first instinct, living was my second. For example if a car came speeding down the road at me a 100 mph I would be like 'I MUST LIVE FOR BUI SO I CAN SEE HIM AGAIN! RUN!' and my second instinct would be 'LIVE B/C YOU WANT TO! RUN!'Anyways I often got emo thinking about him. You see I don't talk to him alot which makes me sad. And I'm a year younger than him so it kinda makes my chances of him liking me back smaller. I remember one time this one pretty Junior said hi to him and I went into depression for the rest of the day. I was thinking. How can I compete with JUNIOR girls? They're prettier, smarter, they have bigger arses and chests than me, etc. I went home and feel asleep until 6. Then I went crying to my penpal friend who told me to follow my heart, Tiger/Laura. I was whining to her online. The Flip girl who had said hi to him was prettier, had better hair, was more ladylike, etc. She told me stop and think. She told me things that I wouldn't never thought to be good traits. "Your sarcastic, your spunky, you have an attitude problem, and your nice." I don't think I'll ever forget those. "All those traits you had just described, were girls that were probably good for a one night screw." I left with that IM chat my will and attitude problem sown back together =)
Even though he doen't know it. Bui's changed me. I left my comfort zone for him. I made new friends. I started to dress and think differently. I'm more undercontrol ^^;; even though its KINDA hard to tell. I used to be weird and crazy, now I'm just crazy =D I had so many thoughts and mood swings b/c of him. Alan tells me that Bui isn't intreseted in girls at the moment. ^^;; oops. I guess all my chasing hit a brick wall then. There were days when all I would think about is just him. How can I be so crazy for just one person? I went thru so many stuff to make friends w/ his friends too. (Well I wanted to make a stronger friendship too so its 1/2 b/c of him and 1/2 b/c I wanted too.) I've got thru shit and I took all of Daniel's insults and crap that comes out of his mouth just to stay in the group -> Bui.
Every time I think about Bui...it feels like my heart is going a little bit faster and I would give anything if he could return my feelings. I know that won't happen and all I want is for him to think of me as a friend. =) I want to be a close friend and thats all. If I can just be near him and talk to him I'd be the happiest girl ever.
He Found Out [Back To Top]
Yesterday, Nov 18. I guess he finally accepted it...since his stupid friends, who I told, somehow convinced him. No wonder why he's avoiding me now. What to do? What to do?Should I: A) Tell the truth. B) DENY DENY DENY! C) Give up on it and leave. D) Hope that God pulls thru.
I feel a little bit lost at the moment, maybe if I slept on the thought. Or maybe if I hoped that if I choose B, he'll return my feelings? Naw I doubt it if he's avoiding me. Oh man, what to doooo? I can't accept C...b/c I don't want to. You know whats ironic about all this? He finds out the day AFTER I finally decide to just make friends. AHHHHH! Why does this always happen to me? Why?! Why?!