The haven of pointlessness. If my deep, psychological vibes (hah!) are getting to be too much for you, the point of Pointlessness is to unwind. I am going to fill this page with a lot of random stupidity accumulated from a vast number of sources. Stupidity's purpose is to relax the soul (because EVERYTHING has a purpose). So enjoy.
MROOF! MROOF! MROOF! I'M A LLAMA!
Well Mallory said something about llamas,
and mroof, and then gave me the explanation, which was this:
"WELLLLLLLLLLLLL...."someone else" (Mae?) hehehe...said she didn't like crickets and decided they would be Llamas instead...and it took off from there...turning into Llamas wearing speedos and sunglasses...
They are known to say "Mrrroooooooooof" and ocassionally ride matresses down the stairs with Josh, David Foster and sometimes Richard Simmons.......hahahaha....funny mental picture....
***ANYWAY, the above is ficticious, as is Josh playing Willy Wonka.....Just comes from wierd dreams that I have....*** "
I did not understand it too much but then thought, "This is the perfect pointless item
to be the honourary first pointless thing on the pointless page!!!" I also changed my MSN
name to "MROOF! MROOF! MROOF! I'M A LLAMA!"
THE GOATAPHANTS
In travel and Tourism class we were discussing the dilemma
of the elephants of the Serengeti plains. Apparently the park officials are trying to
extend the park so that they can 'provide a habitat' for more species of elephants and
other animals (although they really just want to be able to say they have the biggest
elephant park! This is a FACT!) but the farmers whose property borders the park have to
thus move away. This harms the goat-farming business. Also apparently jackals and other
predators live in the park and like to leave the park so that they can eat all the goats.
We were trying to devise a way so that both parties could win. I suggested we incorporate
the farms into the park and make it a separate feature, and give the farmers jobs as zoo
guide people. Then Sarah suggested that they crossbreed the goat and the elephant so that
the farmers could still farm... it would be the best of both worlds. Thus a goataphant was
born, and many 3rd period T+T classes were wasted drawing pictures of goataphants everywhere! (I will have the goataphant up here one day)
WHERE IS JESUS?
Mallory is looking for Jesus: "They have taken Jesus away, and I don't know where they have taken him. If you have taken him, please tell me where so I can come and take him away."
(Jesus goes to our school, his name is Jonathan McLarty)
McDONALD'S
So this one time I was at the McDonald's drive thru in Grimsby, across
from the road that goes to Adam's school, and I ordered a Big Extra Meal. I was really looking
forward to the grayish fried meat (which is really only about 25% meat) and all the salt and
mayonnaise and shredded lettuce that they pile on there eve though I specifically ask for NO
FUCKING LETTUCE THIS TIME PLEASE. Later I understood that mayo and lettuce do not come separately,
they are mixed together in a large vat of stuff. Not unlike coleslaw, except it is really really
thick mayo and you can feel it clogging your arteries. Mmm! ANYWAY to make a long story short,
they did not cook my burger all the way
go here
go here
go here
go here (for women, specifically lesbians, but curious guys can take it too.)
go here
.
.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
>>About three inches.
drum roll... ahahaha okay how about another one
.
.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>>One. Men will screw anything
.
.
why didn't God make men out of wood?
He was afraid that their hands would catch fire.
okay one more, my favorite
.
.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
>>One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
AHAHAHAHAHA I crack myself up
however I think I am more of a SOFT ANDROGYNE:
"For most of your life and social interaction, you don't really see yourself as either butch or femme, but if pressed into a corner, you react more femme than butch. You prefer to seek aid rather than solve your problems on your own, and prefer to give aid rather than to encourage someone to stand on their own feet. You're fairly well balanced over all, with the occasional weakness you haven't quite yet conquered. Education is important to you, as you see knowledge as a key to independence and freedom, and you tend to have a higher educational level than your peers, either formally or by self-teaching. You read a lot, and a varied assortment of genres, enjoying cartoons as much as heavy psych drama. Biography, however, bores you. You like historical anecdotes but are not very good at memorizing dates, having a more general sense of time. Your home is a roof for you and not a showplace. Order is optional. You cook if you have to and are efficient at it but really don't like to bother. You prefer to be fed. You like small dogs or big cats and the occasional hamster. You enjoy a fairly strong butch for a partner, along the lines of a Feminist or Classic Butch, and take on other Androgynes as friends. Family is not terribly important to you, and odds are good you came from a home where that was not the primary issue. You may have a good, but distant relation with your family, or may not be in touch at all, but it's pretty certain you don't live with them unless you have to, or in the same city."
the chart is here.
YOU ARE A SICK BOY
This is the email James sent me yesterday:
"Here is the funniest news story I have ever heard (even the anchor was laughing hystarically!)
So there was this suicide bomber, who on his way to his target decided to shoot an elderly man on his 100th birthday and 70th wedding aniversary, and his sons wedding. Then he ran over a box of kittens with a monster truck. And then he finally arrived at his target: A daycare centre for handicapped orphans, which he promtly blew up!!!!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
At first I read this and said "This is not funny at all!" and was horrified. And then I read it out loud to Adam and started laughing hysterically, as did he. Because it's all so fucking funny and sad. It sounds like the type of story I would make up if I were talking to Sarah and was in a particularily perky mood. Or if I wanted to make someone go away or something.
CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME AND KATIE:
ME: Maida looks very tired, or hung over, or high on marijuana or something
KATIE: Yeah, but he's still HOT.
ME: He looks sexiest when he is wearing casual clothes. His eyes are usually very pretty but today they are bloodshot. I think he should start coming to school shirtless.
KATIE: Yep he is very gooooood lookin'. He looks pretty hung over.
Maida was all pissy today because of his hangover, it made me sad that he did not appreciate my comic wit today :( ahh well I'll get over it. Anyway doesn't the above conversation just EPITOMIZE pointlessness!?
pointless, point'les, a. Having no point; blunt; obtuse;having no smartness or keenness.
I LOVE IT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE STUPIDER THAN ME
IT'S ALL TRUE
actual recorded conversation between my sister and her friend Nicole:
Nicole: Oh my God your sister scares me. I was arguing with her on MSN last night. You know how Oompa Loompas scare me? Well her MSN name was 'Oompa Loompas are your friend'. She's nuts!
Kristen: I know! She wrote an essay and read it to me. It was about what you should do if an oompa loompa attacks you. It was funny. She would date an oompa loompa you know. She told me.
Nicole: Her b/f kinda looks like an oompa loompa so there you go! She needs to seek some psychological help... seriously!
Kristen: I know, try living with her! No, I was talking with her about guys and she said short guys are cute - like that midget gym teacher, she said he was like an oompa loompa... I was like, 'Ok, you're messed up."
Nicole: Hrrm... I pity you! That's all I have to say.
Kristen: Hah - yeah but she never stuffs me in my locker - I would kick her ass.
Nicole: True, true.
THIS PAGE IS NOW A SHRINE TO JAMES' POETRY
the grunchy bunch of bitter seeds
the yellowishness of the bear
The rise and fall of winters tide
The constant pulse of growing grass
the grass was greener than a cow
Bewildering soliloquys
Elephants:
were milling to a frow
the one required celophane
in order for her to grow
the plastic gnome looked upon them
with deeply saddened eyes
he wept for hours upon hours
at such a dispicabley hidious crime
who wanted reprieve from tormenting toil
turned to fear and anxiety
and then to potted planting soil
which goes againts the currents of catness
eats away at the tigers side
and turns the earth to falling flatness
and beatles eating wooden shoes
is quite enough to make you loose
the sanity thats going fast!
who flew over a singing bat,
the bat was red like a boats bow
and cried about his flattened mat
and ranting roving castanets
never trust the owls breath
or any other beasts youve met
jumpind and waltzing and skipping rope
and other infernal contraptions
invented by the sorded minds
of the filthiest scientific genius
Would you like to join the happy dance,
under the palest purple sky?
We will leap and jump and twirl,
and all together then shall DIE!!!
(enter applause)
also here.
Here is an excerpt from Jesus's site, the very man Mallory was so valiantly searching for as chronicled in an early installment:
"JULY 31 in the year of me 2001
well today was a pretty good day, i got out of bed at about ten am, that'd be about 11 am earth time i guess.. puttered around in the lawn for a while, it was a nice day. dad wanted me to go out and pick up sticks so he could mow, but i fooled him and just picked up the big ones he won't see the small sticks.
so i am hearing a lot about these people called scientologhosts down there on earth, and i just want to let you guys know that they prolly won't make you smarter theyll just take your money haha lol!! sorta like the church to me!! hahaa like i see any of that money, dad doles it out in small amounts so i can't do much with it but i saved up enuff for this puter! but it's kewl i met a really kewl girl on yahoo that i talked to. i went into the christian chat last night just trying to spread some cheer and stuff but they didn't like me, this one dude who talked in big rainbow letters (let's not forget who MADE rainbows, jackass) kept sayin stuff like 'DON'T BELIEVE HIM GUYS IT IS NOT JESUS' im so glad that rainbow man is a jesus expert
i was watching that new show FEAR FACTOR today and i couldn't believ it they actually made people eat buffalo testicles i know that dad made everything and therefor everything must be good but come on people these are balls
i just know that would have cost me the fifty grand cause i don't eat nuts
i healed a leper today i love those guys"
Okay I just recieved this email, and for the sake of getting people to stop eating KFC, we will assume it is true. Here is is, plus pictures:
"KFC has been a part of our American traditions for many years. Many people, day in and day out, eat at
KFC religiously. Do they really know what they are eating?
During a recent study of KFC done at the University of New Hampshire, they found some very upsetting
facts. First of all, has anybody noticed hat just recently, the company has changed their name? Kentucky
Fried Chicken has become KFC. Does anybody know why? We thought the real reason was because of the
"FRIED" food issue.
IT'S NOT!!
The reason why they call it KFC is because they can not use the word chicken anymore.
Why?
KFC does not use real chickens. They actually use genetically manipulated organisms. These so called
"chickens" are kept alive by tubes inserted into their bodies to pump blood and nutrients throughout their
structure. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet. Their bone structure is dramatically shrunk to get
more meat out of them. This is great for KFC. Because they do not have to pay so much for their production
costs. There is no more plucking of the feathers or the removal of the beaks and feet. The government has
told them to change all of their menus so they do not say chicken anywhere. If you look closely you will
notice this. Listen to their commercials, I guarantee you will not see or hear the word chicken. I find this
matter to be very disturbing. I hope people will start to realize this and let other people know. Please
forward this message to as many people as you can. Together we make KFC start using real chicken again."
there is a "no octagon" law somewhere in western Canada
can you see what I see?
You may or may not be familiar with Drew's site. He is going on a trip across Western Canada being that he is unemployed and would like to futrher reduce the small amount of money he has saved from when he did have a job. Go see his comments here and then read the following email I sent to him:
dear Drew,
I am sorry but obviously you have travelled to the wrong part of Canada. In the West there is nothing but
stupid vegetation and water, as you have observed. To the East (I travelled across Eastern Canada myself so
I should know) it is even more boring but sometimes you might see a gas station or a large lump of rock.
But in ONTARIO things are interesting. Because that is where there are the least farmers and least hick-
people from the outskirts of civilization. We have things like cities and stuff, also almost every single
Canadian celebrity was from Ontario. And sometimes in random fields you might see llamas. Really. So next
time you should come here and do some interesting stuff.
-Aly
Here is my new favorite band!! You should check them out... you know why??? Because they are named ENTER THE HAGGIS, that's why!!
okay first of all get some new fucking ideas. I mean really. you don't have to do everything fucking little thing I do to make me like you. this drive me insane... next you are going to grow out your hair and never brush it, and start listening to marilyn Manosn!!! Nice work! Okay to facilitate this process I'll make you a goddamn fucking LIST:
1. make a cruddy website housing 2nd-rate amateur poetry and cracked humour... also remember to copy EVERY SINGLE FEATURE
2. HURT EVERYONE. emotionally. yourself, too. be sad a lot.
3. do the wash-and-go thing with your hair. also grow it really long and curl it. make it messyyyy
4. kiss a pretty boy... better yet, fuck him creatively, and also, get his friend to fall in love with you by accident, and also, get asked out by a factory worker in your driver's ed class! do this by being unattractive and silent!
5. be bitter and stay up till 4 am listening to Antichrist Superstar and talking about why you are angry.
6. I DON'T HEAR YOU COMPLAINING!!
7. do something to make you disgustingly impure. I don't know, whatever strikes your fancy. shoplift. spraypaint. watch porn. kill a kid. whatever makes you regret
8. love everyone and make them hate you for it
9. get a turtle!!! just find one out of nowhere! maybe steal it from Happy Ralph's!
10. Have prophetic dreams in which you predict rapes
11. read every single stephen king book ever written... and enjoy them... and read them cover to cover until they're so worn that they're only good for smacking your sister across the face!!!!!!!!!!
My God I love mr Diflavio, he made my day. Not because he gave me a present, but becaues he's cool. I hope his kids take after him, he world will be better for it.
OKAY anyway back to angst. my fucking feet don't fit my shoes. it's like every time I try some shoes they seem to shrink, it's really goddamn annoyingh, especially since I wear Adam's size. And when you go to buy shoes they come in like size 5, 6, and 7. LIKE WHAT'S WITH THAT
12. fall in love wth this song::: "Man that you fear" by m. manson
13. take the encyclopedia of serial killers out of your libraryu and love it so much that you buy your own copy and scare everyone you know
14. be deathly afraid to sing
15. plan secret mail order surprises! I can't give you an example becaues it's all very hush hsuh
16. be obsessed with spelling yet be the TYPO queen
the ants are in the sugar the muscles atrophied we're on the other side, the screen is us and we're TV spread me open, sticking to my pointy ribs are all your infants n abortion cribs I was born into this everything turns to shit the boy that you loved is the man that you fear pray until you're number, asleep from all your pain, your apple has been rotting tomorrow's turned up dead I have it all but I have no choice but to I'll make everyone pay and you will see you can kill yourself now because you're dead in my mind the boy that you loved is the monster you fear...
17. hate your family, also your extended family, I don't care if they give you money
18. perfect your screaming voice
19. perfect the art of crumpling papers
20. paint lots of meaningless unoriginal horizon scenes when you attemp to make an oil masterpiece.
(note: sorry. I was really tired. This could have been interesting. I'll erase it one day. But it is pointless just like everything else.)
you see, Dr Phil is an ordinary man, albeit a jerky one, who has his own TV show that everyone loves because all he's doing is dishing out common sense advice to stupid Americans!!! Anyone can come up with his answers, but for some reason he gets to be a millionaire and be on TV. People like my mother are sucked into this trap -- this trap that says "if it's on TV, it's important and relevant" -- and watch him every day. Just look at him, isn't he vicious?
except he was kinda sexy when he was younger...
NO!!! it's his voodoo! he's... sucking... me... in!
He claims to use "tough love" in dealing with the guests on his show, while all he is really doing is reasserting his authority over their poor confused minds by hopelessly disconcerting them. He uses their already-shattered-by-poor-mental-health-or-tragedy nerves to his advantage and makes them cry on TV!!!
I would advise that if you were bored enough to come here, or were like my dad and was surfing through all the channels that we don't have access to in the next room, with the volme on full blast, ignoring all the snowed-out channels and the abrasive SCCHHHHSSS noise that they emit, in search of some undiscovered free smut while he waits impatiently for me to give him the computer so that he can download MORE porn and hide it in the file called My Music in the hopes that no one would EVER look there, especially his kids who download music ALL DAY...
Well just pretend.
Anyways I would advise that you visit my buddy StrongBad and perhaps drop him a line. My particular favorites are guitars, sugarbob and friends.
I would also advise you to do something like my sister did and talk to yourself for an hour and fifteen minutes on MSN.
Oh also listen to the dance remix of George Michael's "Too Funky". Yeeeah.