It seems that a lot of people have been very mean to me lately, and thus are asking for a nice big KILLING. These people appear to be intent on mocking me, laughing at me, humiliating me, forcing me to engage in sports, and trying to throw balls at my head. Others are just plain annoying. They do not respond to verbal pleas or any of my various mind-control techniques. So I've devised a system that will teach you how to properly and effectively deal with certain actions of certain types of people who will inevitably cross your path. However, I advise you to only use these methods if asking them to stop does not work! Or else you could have a lawsuit on your hands.

giving you an annoying nickname
The punishment for this should be a good kick in the shins. How dare anyone make up a derogatory nickname for you! Especially if that name has anything to do with a so-called "shortcoming". For example, Mark Adams calling short people "Stubby" or "Stumpy" deserves a good hard boot in the balls. Name calling itself warrants a punch in the stomach, because I can't stand name calling. It is very immature. Hope that you cause internal bleeding.

poking
Knock them over, then kick them in the stomach for good measure. Kick really really hard if you repeatedly asked them nicely to stop, before saying "STOP F$@^%*! POKING ME!" I really don't think it is too much to ask for them to suppress their sadistic urges to jab you.

throwing balls at you/forcing you to engage in sports
Tip a refrigerator or vending machine over onto them, thus grinding them into a large and messy pulp. What the fuck, some people just don't know the meaning of "No". Another fun thing you can do is scrape up the bloody mess and wrap it in plastic. Then put it in the person's freezer labelled "meatloaf". Then the person's family will eat the meatloaf. Oh the irony!

standing in your Space Cushion
This is one time that you shouldn't even have to ask. However, some people are insensitive and, ignoring the "don't-touch-me" vibes of your aura, step right into your personal space (mine is about 3 ft� but grows when I am around smelly people or Magda or Mark Adams). So try to gently move away. If they don't get the hint, execute a Xena-esque war cry and backhand them. Of course, at the time you would be holding your car keys so that the sharp ends are protruding between your fingers, and this should cause them heavy scarring or the loss of an eye!

stupid prejudiced remarks/jokes
We all know that silly prejudices like homophobia, sexism and racism need to be nipped in the bud. My way of nipping their bud is to neuter them with rusty pliers. But to each his own.

throwing projectiles
Don't you hate it when jerks like Jason Pilon, Mark Lamers, Shane Williams and Mike Lee throw pennies or bits of trash in the classroom? Not only do they make a mess, it also hurts to get hit by a flying penny. The only remuneration for such an offence is to immediately get up and jab them in the eye with a well-sharpened pencil. Long pencils can even puncture the brain.

loud people
This one is easy and you just need a permanent marker. Grab the offender by the throat as tightly as you can and pull them close to you. Write "PENIS HEAD" on their forehead in black marker and then throw them to the ground.

gossipy people, especially the ones that talk about you when you're RIGHT THERE
Take a sledgehammer and whack them in the face until every last tooth falls out. Then force the offender to swallow his own teeth. It will be funny because he can't even chew them! If he chokes, whack him the the spine or solar plexus until he stops. This may result in death but that is only a small setback in your plan of deperately horrid mutilation.

being a party pooper
Don't you hate it when someone is invited to a social function, but then just sits around complaining and being irritating? Or even worse, refuses to take part in any of the activities and sits in a lump, forcing you to sit with them, also lumpishly, so that they don't feel lonely? Well there IS a way that they can be useful, productive, and fun for the whole family. Tie them up and use them as a pinata. As an added perk, flay them and then sew them back up with candy instead of innards! This is a tasty treat for the kiddies!

making dead baby jokes
Well, this is a pretty hard one. I usually agree with freedom of speech. But I don't think they are funny. I'm not offended, just not amused. So what to do with the people who tell and enjoy 'dead baby' jokes? Make them eat an aborted fetus.