I am trapped in problems
It is something I have to fix
But seems imposable
I tell others of my problems and how they can help
But no one listens
No one can understand
It�s a path of pain
Torture
Sadness
Confusion
Corruption
Blame
And agony
It becomes worse as the day goes on
And as my life is lived
Why
Why the pain and agony of this
Why me
Why now
I need serenity
Where can I go
I can�t get the answers I need
I know what I want but don�t know how to get it
Or how to get there
I need help
This is driving me to a place unknown
I am lost
My thoughts are beginning to scare me
I can�t go on like this
I won�t go on like this
I need to change
I need to be helped
It seems as if I am alone
As if I know the answers
As if I am the only one that can help myself
As if I am not capable of helping myself
When I am the only one that knows what to do
When know one else can help
When I know but can not do or tell to make them understand
I need help
Am I going to go on in life like this
Just living in my problems
This is a nightmare I can not wake from
This is something that no one should have to go through
But I am
I have to
It�s my life
They�re my problems
My problems of thinking
My problems of intelligence
My problems of a life held back
Why this torture
If thoughts mean nothing
Then why do my thoughts scare me
These are my challenges
These are my problems
- James Huntoon
May 1, 2003
I have a life held back
I can not go forth into the population
I must advance in life like everyone else
No difference
No change
No independent life
No separation
No true freedom
I can�t express my real thoughts
I can�t change what I do to how I want my life to be
Because of this
I can never be truly happy
I can never truly be who I want to be
I can never be seen as myself
I can never be treated as myself
I can never be a separate person
With my own thoughts
My own feelings
My own actions
My own ways
My own ideas
My own true way to live
That is why
I have a life held back
- James E. Huntoon
January 17, 2003
Death�s too easy
Pain�s too quick
All these problems
Just make me sick
I hate this hell
Why are my feelings so thick
I need so little
But have some much
Why do I feel this way
Why does my life suck
Just when it gets good
It all falls away
Just like the ashes from a fire
My feelings bring more despair
Just when it feels so good
It all prepares to die
Like the climax of a story
You reach the peak and it ends
So when it comes to this point
These feelings I feel
Just stab me inside
No help is offered for me but to reside
Who made it like this
Why won�t it come to an end
Not something simple
But just help me fend
It happens as if it was planned
But why would I have this happen
As if I want myself to come to an end
Help is too hard
Why is that
The one thing that can fix
Something I can�t mend
Little is achieved in this
But much is lost and learned
Why this
I don�t understand
Why can something feel so good
Then come back and hurt so much
For feelings are personal
But pain is sometimes shared
I can�t feel good
Without something feeling worse
But in the end it starts again
And it just hurts more
Why doesn�t anyone have an answer
Why doesn�t someone make a cure
Make me feel good
And still be able to feel
Because pain�s too quick
And death�s too easy
-James Huntoon
October 26, 2004