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| 6/29/2006
Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Whew! What a lot has happened in the last 24 hours. No, the adoption is not final. We haven't received any word. I am guessing we are probably kicked out. We have been in 6+ weeks, and you don't usually just stay in that long without a kickout or a sign off. I know we will find out when we get the sign off, so my logical mind says "kickout". :) No, a lot has happened within me the last 24 hours. Last night I had a war brewing within me. I feel like I am calling out to God over and over and hearing nothing. In fact, Mark and I both had had such a peace after our family prayer time on Sunday, we really didn't doubt in the slightest that we would get out this week. So I was reeling from the disappointment of that. ( FYI- Tomorrow is "Army Day" in Guatemala, so NOTHING can happen for the next few days.) I went outside to pray and listen to God...I couldn't hear anything. Where was the God of comfort??? (However, I did hear all sorts of other sounds and fought off several insects :) Defeated, I crawled into bed. I have been asking Mark to pray because I am honestly all prayed out by the end of the day. I pray literally all day, with very little ceasing. And lately I have been bringing two main prayer requests before Him, plus a whole lot of other prayer requests...yet He has seemed so silent. Then we had some "pillowtalk" time, which probably would have been better earlier in the evening. Midnight is not the best time. But it was what we had to work with. And I came to a couple of realizations between then and now. First realization...I want to be perfect. I always have. I have yet to attain that. (And if you know me at all, you know that already :) So often knowing I can't be perfect, I just don't do anything. It is like being frozen with fear. I am going to have to learn how to let go of that because I am missing out on a lot of things by just not even trying and facing failure. The other realization...God is speaking to me. He is just not speaking the words I want to hear right now. So like a child, I am just shutting Him out. I had to face the fact (see above paragraph) that I am so far from the wife and mother I want to be. Instead of focusing so much on getting Maria home, I need to focus on praying to God to make me a better person. I won't be ready for her until God changes some things in me. Hopefully I am a fast learner. :) Thank you for praying and waiting with us... |
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| 6/30/2006
Luke 16:13 �No servant can serve two master; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.� Well, another month has passed by with no news. We seem to be on an every other month schedule. Let�s see�we got approval last September, then the abandonment hearing was in November, the COA (certificate of abandonment) came in January, in March the long awaited birth certificate arrived so we could start the adoption process, then in May we received preapproval and entered PGN. Since I am NOT superstitious, I am not in any way taking that as a sign that July is our month. I have learned that NOTHING in this whole process is certain except God�s faithfulness. Okay, kind of catching up where I left off yesterday, part of the perfection issue I am struggling with (and have since the day I was born) is the need to be in control. I have readily admitted that I am a bit of a control freak. Well, one of the realizations that I have come to is that I am spending way too much time on the Internet, to the point that I am neglecting housework, missing playtime with my children, and not spending as much quality time with Mark as I could. When I really analyzed why I was doing this, I came up with a couple of things. It is a form of escape for me. For whatever reason, it is less painful to be on the computer than to face the hardships of life at times. I also realized (with Mark�s guidance) that in some ways, I am trying to control a situation I cannot control. Unless we get a previo, we are done with our paperwork. There is nothing more I can do on our side to move this process along. (beyond prayer, and trust me, I have done a LOT of that) Yet when I am researching adoption, searching for baby supplies, etc., I feel like I am DOING something. The problem is I am doing it to the point of obsession (okay, maybe that is a strong word, but you understand). And the phrase that keeps coming to mind over and over is �Let go, and let God.� I am not letting God. I am trying to be in control, when I really need God in control. One of the steps I have taken is to set limits on my Internet time. I have made it through one day. I can�t say it was easy. It is such an easy trap to sit down in front of the computer, kick up my feet, and just go numb�little thought involved. (much like TV watching is for others) I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to �Let go, and let God.� And, of course, please keep praying for our sweet Maria. How we long to bring her home, to enjoy her presence in our family, and for me�to be the mom she deserves to have! |