| 6/28/2006
Hebrews 11:13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. My attempts to sleep recently have not gone well. My mind is always racing. If you know me at all (I would guess you would if you are reading this :), I wear my heart on my sleeves. My biggest tendency is to want to please others. I avoid conflict at all cost. And if I hurt anyone (other than occasionally my immediate family), it is 99.99% by accident. One harsh look from someone, I spend the rest of the day wondering what I did wrong. And for the most part, teaching is the ideal job for me, except I have learned that I can't please everyone. Well, my brain knows that, my heart doesn't. (Parents, be nice to your teachers. :) Even with the adoption, I find myself thinking, "God, don't you like me? Am I not good enough to get this answer to prayer?" Or "Mr. PGN Director, why don't you choose us to sign off on...we are good parents (I think anyway)" This past year I started praying for kids with life-threatening illnesses. And my heart has been broken so many times, as heaven has gained new members, members too young according to me. Our church has experienced serious issues these past couple of years...there were many times I wanted to walk away. It was just too painful to deal with. Even when we started the adoption, we had to answer a bunch of questions for our homestudy, many dealing with our "child's past". I will tell you that it won't be easy. Someday I am probably going to hear the words, "You are not my real mother." And I will be crushed. So, in all of this waiting time, I have had all kinds of time to analyze and reflect on why I am happy, but not ever truly happy. I think it all boils down to this verse. We are aliens. This world is not our home. I long to be in that perfect world of unity, peace, and everlasting joy. Unfortunately, though there are moments like that here, this world is not the world I long for. It is God's world...heaven. And until I get there, I am going to continue to struggle and squirm with the harsh realities of this world. And only survive with His strength holding me up. And your prayers. Thank you for waiting with us! |
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| 6/26/2006
Psalm 121:1-8 I lift up my eyes to the hills�where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip� he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you� the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm� he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Mark and I have both been very touched by a Casting Crowns song called "Praise You in This Storm". We do feel like we are in a storm. Honestly, to me, it feels like a snowstorm. I can't see where I am walking, where I am going. I often feel like one more step might just put me over the edge of a huge cliff. And it is cold and lonely in this storm. But even in this storm, we are praising Him. The first part of Psalm 121 is in the song, and that one little bit is how I am getting through the days right now. Where does my help come from? From the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. I can't say that I am feeling 100% yet...my heart is still aching at every thought of her. As we begin to watch families who went into PGN after us (order doesn't mean anything to PGN), it is painful to wonder why God has chosen us to wait. We had so hoped for His blessing to shine down upon us. But for whatever reason, it is NOT time. (I have to admit, after our incredible prayer time last night, I just would not have been surprised at all if the phone had rung with good news today. But again, it is not about what we do, but what about He does...) Other than that, not much to report. I am enjoying my first real day of summer at last. Well, until my next class in two weeks. :) Thank you for continuing to pray for us! I know that if prayers were answered by numbers, Maria would be home. We are always humbled and touched to hear those words, "We have been praying for you..." |
| 6/27/2006
Psalm 20:7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. It is another day of no news. (You know that saying, "No news is good news"? We will just try to believe that. :) But we are hanging in there. It is much easier to sound calm at night. During the day I tend to get a little down and frustrated. I keep staring at that phone, waiting for it to ring. Or I will walk away from the phone thinking that maybe if I don't stare at it, it will ring. I know, it sounds absurd. I am just tyring to be honest here. I can't help but play these little mindgames. I remember when I was young and single, everyone would say, "If you just stop looking, it will happen." The problem was, I was young and single and REALLY wanted to be married. So I was ALWAYS looking. And of course, it is the pink elephant theory. The more you try NOT to think about something, the more it is there. Well, I can't really say that I stopped looking and Mark just showed up. I can say that I was looking...always...but Mark kind of slid in under the radar. I didn't see HIM coming. Why am I saying all of this? I don't know. I guess that is how I feel right now. I don't want to think about getting that phone call. But the more I try not to, the more I think of it! And the more I think of it, the more I take the focus off of God, because I find myself trying to "set up" just the right situation to get the call. (Truthfully at this point, EVERY situation is right) Or I wonder if there is more we could do. Or if I just prayed the right prayer. Or if I just booked that dentist appointment I REALLY need to book, we might get the call and I will have to call back and cancel. (Actually I am not too inspired to do that one) But the truth is, I can't trust situations or the "experts" on the adoption boards and definitely not myself...I just have to trust in God. When it is His timing, it will happen. And that may mean tomorrow or in six months. I just have to wait for Him. Please pray that I can do it. (Another prayer request: that I will NOT feel envious when I see others coming out of PGN, especially those who went in after us...because that is not trusting in God either.) Thank you for waiting with us! Oh, one quick thing. Even though for whatever reason, our prayer request for PGN to be done is not happening yet, I have to say, God continues to be faithful. Just when I get the most discouraged, I get an e-mail or a kind word from someone that lifts me up. It is like God is leaving little "reminders" that He is here with me even when I don't feel like it... |
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