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Day by Day

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6/22/2006
Habakkuk 3:17-19 Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

A dear friend handed me a copy of a devotion today with this verse on it. The devotion was about a missionary couple in Spain who adopted from Guatemala. It was not an easy process for them either. What words of wisdom I have learned from their experience!

I have noticed the last couple of days that my heart is more troubled than joyful. And this morning when I began my day hurt by some words I read, I realized how very vulnerable and how very fragile I feel right now. If I didn't have obligations at church or with my own children, I would probably stay in bed and just cocoon myself off from the world for a while. I wish I could say that I am feeling strong, but honestly I am not. Mark and I are both dealing with the loss of leaving Maria behind, as well as the loss of our hopes for having her home for the summer and before her birthday. I don't want to leave the impression that I am in a deep depression or just crying all of the time. I am crying a little easier right now than normal, but I do smile on occasion and continue to feel God's presence even when I am doubting or hurt. In fact, God, in His goodness, has sent some people my way to encourage me even if I may not look encouraged. Like the devotion being handed to me today...what perfect timing! And the friend who stopped to ask me how we were really doing with all of this since it has been such a lengthy and grueling process...thank you to that person for just listening. And for the VBS worker who gave me a bag of cookies as well as a sweet note...I doubt she knew she was part of God's plan for me today. But the one area that I think I may need to back away from for a little bit is the computer. Words hurt me easily right now, especially when I feel like am trying to help and am apparently not. And the more I read about the situation with PGN, the more my heart becomes heavy with the burdens of the world. Even here, though writing is like "therapy" for me, I don't think words can really express how much pain we are feeling right now. I think I am just going to take a little break from the world of technology. I will still have to check e-mail at night so it won't build up. And of course I will check on my caringbridge friends to know how to pray. But otherwise, I am going to take a long weekend from this thing and just rely on God. I hope to return in a few days with a renewed sense of peace and faith as we wait out this storm. Thank you.

6/25/2006

Psalm 118:24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

I am grateful that this is the day that the LORD has made...aren't you? I told Mark yesterday...the fog is lifting. I feel my heart stirring again. I do realize that it is still tender and a little battered and bruised. With Maria gone, there is also a little hole in it. But I am finally able to take my heart and mind off of the pain I experienced this past week, both Maria wise and personally, and I am able to focus on this beautiful day the LORD has made. And I can truly say I rejoice in it. Thank you for your patience and your prayers while I was sinking in the depths of despair. And a huge thank you to Katie and Penny for the guestbook entries even while I was on "hiatus"...they did lift me up.

How do I know my fog is lifting? I actually laughed a couple of times yesterday and several times today! I am sure that is music to Mark's ears. He was probably wondering if there would ever be laughter again.

The other day as Mark and I shared the pain of no good phone calls, he made a very sweet statement. He said...and I know I don't have this verbatim, but close..."It is so hard to wait, but I will wait as long as I have to to bring Maria home." And he is right. I wish that we had had the summer together. I had such grand dreams of spending the summer with Maria and the kids. But even if it is three summers from now (a very rare case, but it DOES happen on occasion), we will wait. We love that little girl and continue to trust in God's timing.

We had a lovely day today, and for that, my heart is glad. It was a special family time which often brings more pain of realizing that some of our family is missing...but instead we were truly able to just rejoice in it. We went to church this morning and the kids were able to share their VBS songs. Afterwards, we went to Flying Burrito for lunch. Of course, any kind of Mexican food reminds me of Maria. But this time it wasn't so painful, it was justt a warm fuzzy. After naps, we watched a special on Dateline NBC about a Russian adoption. Oh yeah, I cried through the whole thing. A good cleansing cry though. Then we went for a family walk. I won't lie...I ached to have a stroller in front of me with a little Maria sitting in it. But the weather was beautiful, I was with my family, and there was just a peace. When we came home, we read another chapter of Chronicles of Narnia. I love reading to my children. Then we had a special prayer time for Maria. I debated whether to share any of the kids' prayers, but it isn't like a "birthday wish" that won't come true if we share it. They were really sweet prayers. Both children prayed for Maria to get out of PGN, and Hunter prayed for her to learn English and to learn how to love (us I am guessing). They were very sweet words from the lips of children. It was just a sweet day...

So, we continue our wait, but again, trusting in God even when we don't understand. Thank you for waiting and praying with us.

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