4/19/2006 I have to warn you before you read this that I am a little grouchy and emotional today. School has been...well, it has been a rough week. And I am tired with yucky allergies. And I miss our little girl. Warning out of the way, let's move forward. (since our case is not :)
What goes up must come down. That includes all of my peace and enthusiasm during this very long waiting period. (It has been six weeks since the last "good news" that we were even starting...) The day actually started very "up". I had yet another adoption dream. I think we were talking to our lawyer (he had an accent :) and he assured me that our case would be taken care of quickly at the Embassy. Okay, I do know that God can speak through dreams. But I didn't really believe He was this time...still, it was a false sense of promise when I woke up. Then reality sets in...
We learned of yet another couple who started after us is nearly finished with their adoption process. Ironically I had told them, "The funny thing about adoption is that even though we are further ahead right now, you may still bring your child home before us." I don't know how true that was! And please don't get me wrong, I am happy anytime I read that someone else is completing their family. But the sting is still there. And the doubts creep in. And I wonder..."God, what is it that we are doing wrong? Have I angered you somehow?" And then the tears fell. I am not a big crier. Emotional yes, but not crying emotional. Well, except for our first year of marriage. And I sat at the table and cried. And I want to be strong. To feel that same peace and patience I felt yesterday. But today I am just tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of missing her. And praying for God's rest.
The verse that came to mind is in Matthew when Jesus went to the mountain to pray. The disciples were on the boat as the storm started. And Jesus went to them, walking on the water. Of course, Peter had to try it. (Aren't we all a little like that?) "So He said, 'Come.' And when Petere had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, 'Lord, save me!' And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'" Matthew 14:29-31 Oh yeah. That is me. I have my eyes on Jesus. Then the boat rocks. It is taking too long. There is no good news. Our paperwork is rejected. And I start to look around me. And I sink. Today, I am sinking. I am so glad God/Jesus is there to save me. Please, Jesus, save me tonight. Calm me or the storm. I cannot walk alone. |
