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| 4/3/2006 Psalms 71:5, "For You are my hope, O Lord GOD; You are my trust from my youth." Today anytime I started to doubt...and I won't lie, it does happen, I remembered that God has always been faithful. Even when I didn't see it. In fact, a lot of times, especially when I didn't see it. And even though I have no visible sign that He is working, no e-mail from the Embassy, no word about our case, I know that God is at work. It may still not be where I want it to be. But God has been faithful. Ever since I was a young girl. He has carried me through so many situations. And He will carry me through this one. I have decided to try to be more positive. Now when I think that, the next day ends up being REALLY hard on me. But I am trying not to think about the 5:00 hour hitting in the afternoon with no word as being a huge disappointment. Oh, it will always be a slight disappointment. But I am trying to think, "Okay, that means there is hope that tomorrow will be a good day of good news" rather than "There is another day of no progress." Now again, on Friday, when we still have had no good news, and I know Holy Week is NEXT week, which means NO work on the case...well, I may feel differently. But please pray that I won't. Pray that I will remain steadfast in thinking and focusing on the positive...that I will remain as faithful to Him as He is to me. That being said, we took the leap of faith. We have tickets for a trip this summer. It was actually difficult to buy them. I felt like we were giving up on God, on our dream of having Maria for the summer. I just think there comes a point that reality and some common sense has to guide our decisions. Could we still get Maria for the summer? Unlikely. But if God wants it to happen, it will (and ONLY by Him). And if it does, we will deal with the ticket situation. But if not, we are looking forward to some precious time with our daughter. We also look forward to sharing the world of Guatemala with our kids. And we pray that it will be a safe experience for us all. You can start praying for the flying situation right now. Most of you know, if you know me at all, that it TERRIFIES me. And having the whole family with me...Well, that is in God's hands. Right? Okay, let me see...were there any benefits/blessings today? I received a little outfit I had gotten Maria via e-bay. That was a nice treat. And I was able to enjoy some outdoor time with baseball practice. I don't take enough time to do that. And now it is my prayer time. Lots of blessing there. I better go. Thank you for sticking with us on our journey! |
| 4/4/2006 "Those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall
run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) That describes me right now. Oh, not really from the adoption stuff. Today was a LONG day. Mark was out of town, which means I didn't go to bed until late (don't sleep well when he is gone). Then we had to get up earlier so I could take Lauren to school. We had school, then I had my late night of conferences. (A HUGE thank you to Janice and her sons for helping watch my kids tonight while I was conferencing.) I had 10 conferences, and I am just about talked out. And I was feeling faint earlier, so when I saw this verse, I had to claim it for today. Le'ts see...any blessings today? Besides that it is over? :) Oh, we did get hotel reservations for Guatemala. I am not sure if Mark has recovered from the cost, which is considerably higher than what we normally pay for a hotel room. But I have heard it is a great hotel for families. :) And, like I write every night...NO NEWS. I could get down about it, if I had the energy, but I am going to stay positive..tomorrow is a new day. I do konw that if nothing happens by next Tuesday, it will be another week after that...so I am fervently praying. :) God bless. |
| 4/5/2006 Romans 8:26, "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Apparently I should have saved the weary verse for today, because my body is almost at the point of exhaustion. I feeel like a walking zombie. At any time I could go to sleep. (Watch out if you are anywhere between my house and the pizza place.) But this verse fits today too. I am at a point I don't know how to pray anymore. My heart is feeling very heavy. And one more, "How is the adoption going?" might result in BIG tears. (Not because it is a bad question, but because still I have nothing to report.) I won't lie. My soul is weary. I am beginning to wonder if we misunderstood God's direction in this process. Not because of Maria. We love that girl with all of our hearts. But we also knew going in that she was never "ours"...she was always God's. And maybe it isn't in His plan to bring her to us. I am sure part of it is the exhaustion I am dealing with. And obviously the lack of updates and/or progress. (I was told I should be getting an update and haven't, so it makes me wonder if it is bad news?) Last week I was in frantic mode. Wanting to see something happen NOW. I can say I have made it past that. Now I am just numb. I still try to utter prayers, but the words aren't there. I almost think my heart has built a wall around it in case it is about to be broken. I really am trying to remain hopeful. I still check e-mail occasionally to see if there might be some sort of news. But I notice my zeal and "oomph" power are waning. It has been a month since we found out we had started. And honestly, we aren't sure we are any further along now than a month ago. I know that Holy Week begins next week. From what I understand, there will be NOTHING happening from Wednesday until the next Tuesday. Maria is looking further and further away. Please don't misunderstand. We still get up each day with the dream and hope that maybe today is the day we will move forward. It is just not as bright a promise each day that passes. I am sorry if I am disappointing anybody with what I have written. I do have faith. But I also know that sometimes what I want (okay, lots of times) is NOT what God wants. And I am beginning to wonder if we have erred (as far as God's will) in this process...or maybe the ending of the journey God wants us to be on is not the ending I had envisioned. And if it isn't...in God's grace, we will survive that too. My one hope today is not in an e-mail or a phone call with an update. It is that the HolySpirit knows how to pray for me when I can't. And today I just can't. Hoping tomorrow is a better day. And that I am much better rested. |
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