12index

Day by Day

2/22/2006 Dear friends, it was another long day of no news (other than one of our checks and a letter for Maria had arrived at the agency). I am still holding onto hope that we will very soon hear the news "We are moving forward." Please pray that with us.

I am living in Psalms right now. I told you that I feel a lot like David. Still alone, still quiet. (And whoever said silence is golden was probably not adopting...though I guess it is better than bad news?) And still just crying out to God. As I do a quick search, several Psalms seem to speak to me. Here is just one of MANY...Psalms 16:1, "Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust." And that is all I can do right now. I cannot write out that birth certificate (Oh, I so wish I could, even with my limited Spanish...) I cannot bring our baby home yet. I can only trust in Him and pray that we will start moving again.

Today was a little better. I am sorry if I sounded so depressing yesterday. Except that I really did feel that way. And while I feel better today, it is such a struggle to keep putting on that happy face, knowing that we are not another day closer to bringing her home as of yet.

I do have to tell you a little about Lauren, our 4 year old. She doesn't understand timelines. She doesn't realize what all is involved. She just knows that she wants her sister here. (She is sleeping in the top bunk, just waiting for Maria to be in that bed below her...) And Lauren has a goal...her birthday. Lauren's birthday is June 5. That would be near impossible, especially with the rate of this birth certificate. But in Lauren's mind, it can happen. And it can, if that is what God wills. (And trust me, it would have to be a God thing.) But if it isn't supposed to happen, please pray that we will have the words to say to Lauren. And pray for our own waiting hearts too.

Well, I seem to be a bit sporadic in thought tonight. I am still having trouble praying, my mind just races with doubts, fears, and discouragement. Thank you for being there as support and prayer partners.

If you return to the Main Page, we hope that you will sign our guestbook. We hope to share the encouragement and kind words with Maria someday.

To return to previous day by day entries, click this.

2/23/2006 Hello again! Hope your day was fine. Mine was better than yesterday, though we still have no news. (And tomorrow is the dreaded Friday...that means the weekend of no news, no progress is coming...)

We are enjoying the guestbook comments. They really lift our spirits. I cannot explain why it cuts off at a certain point. I am sure there is a reason, but I have NO clue what it is or how to fix it.

Anyway, again, I started off thinking, "Oh, this is what I want to write about..." And then something else comes to me in the day. This time, my thoughts have been on a comment a fellow adopter made while talking about her own adoption. And it really struck a chord with me, since I have had this deep down feeling that maybe I was doing the same. She said that she had wondered if the adoption was maybe becoming an "idol" for her, since it took precedence in her life. Wow. What a powerful statement. (She then went on to share some very encouraging words about keeping our hearts focused on God.) I think deep down I have wondered if I was doing the same. The verse that kept springing to mind (and that I kept pushing out) was Luke 16:13, "No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the oether, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon." Wow again. It is easy for me to rationalize (one of my strengths and at times weaknesses since I can rationalize ANYTHING)...oh, I have to pray for the adoption, for Maria. Oh, I am talking about God and what He is doing in this process. But in reality, I think I may have taken my eyes off of God. I have let myself become "consumed" with the whole process. And while I think it is natural to always be aware of it (much like a pregnancy)...I have to keep my eyes off of my circumstances (particularly right now) and on my Father.

So, what now? I am going to make an effort to focus on God. I am going to enjoy the time with the family I do have here. I will still think of Maria and definitely pray for her, but when I start to focus on thinking about the adoption process (which is changing not one of the circumstances...), I will fall back on the Word. I will spend less time on the computer throughout the day just waiting for a response or update. And I will thank God upon the remembrance of friends and family who encourage us, support us, take up the cross to pray for our situation also, and who so kindly deliver STRONG messages.

God bless.

2/24/2006 "I wil bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad." Psalms 34:1-2

I haven't decided yet if I feel more like David in Psalms or like the Israelites, wandering around in search of the Promised Land (or in our case, a birth certificate!).

It was an emotional day. I was still unhappy about the American Idol results last night. (Okay, maybe not the most upsetting thing, but I still don't agree with them :) And then some emotional stuff at school. And again, no e-mail saying there was a birth certificate. Yet I am praising God. Because just when I feel at utter despair, the much anticipated pictures and monthly measurements arrive! (See one at the bottom of the page...) And little Miss Maria was actually smiling in one! She is growing so quickly and her two top teeth are fully in now. She looks more like a toddler than a baby. And my heart is overflowing with love. It wasn't necessarily the update I had hoped for on this Friday afternoon, but it is a blessing from God. (And we LOVE to get pictures) Thank you, God!

That being said, I have to quote another verse, "Pray without ceasing" 1 Thessalonians 5:17. We appreciate so much your prayers. Please continue to pray for Maria's birth certificate to arrive, so we can get our Power of Attorney done (again) so we can get this adoption going. And pray too that I will be able to shake off the slight bit of envy I feel in my heart when I read about someone getting a birth certificate from the same place in just a few days. I am having to trust God on that one.

Have an awesome weekend! The Cloud family

To visit more recent entries, click this.