2/20/2006 Ah, yes, a snow day. That is one of the few things that would allow me a MIDDLE of the day entry. It is "naptime" for two little bodies, and a downtime for this one big body. Well, if you can call filing and working on the budget as downtime...
Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, my mind and my heart were racing. I actually had some "heart pains" with all of the thoughts going through my mind. I am not positive, but I would guess that the 12 oz. of Mountain Dew as well as the 2 hour nap earlier in the day were not helping me sleep either. Anyway, I was wondering about Maria's birth certificate. Why hasn't it been released? (Especially when someone on the message board found out that their child's new BC was released from the same town in just 2 days...that is a miracle in itself...) And I was wondering about the timing...when would she get here? How much extra will this all cost? (Maria's care will start costing us extra beyond adoption costs at a certain point, as well as the cost of her airline ticket which goes up at age 2...) Then as if I didn't have enough to think about (or in my mind), I started worrying about snow days. I don't want snow days. Right now the kids are scheduled to get out of school the Friday before Memorial Day. One snow day will bring them back after Memorial Day...Anyway, I found my heart racing faster and faster and my my breathing becoming more rapid. And then I just stopped. And I repeated our life verse, Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart..." And I felt myself calm down.
I think there is an ugly truth you should know (I feel like I should be at a podium with a microphone...). My name is Reba, and I am a control freak (I blame being the oldest child...). I know anyone who knows me is shrugging and saying, "Duh, we have always known that..." And those who don't know me as well might be a little surprised. I think that is because I can control my "control" with self-control, meaning it is more internal than external. (As I hear my husband laughing hysterically, I should add out in public, not at home :) Anyway, that is why I prefer not to fly. I am not in control. Not that I would want to be in control on an airplane, since I don't have a clue how to fly one...And why I am in charge of the budget...it gives me a sense of control. And children, well, children have helped me a little because as much as I can try to influence them, I cannot control what comes out of their mouths (Like, "Mom, your breath doesn't smell very good.") or how they might behave in public, like Hunter's refusal last year to leave first base in his VERY first t-ball game even though he was out. But all in all, I want control. As you can guess, this adoption thing has been very difficult...I have done all the parts I can control (the mounds of paperwork and the financial setup). Now I am completely reliant on people I have never met to bring our daughter home...and of course, reliant on God. That is the one area I have learned (and am still learning) to give up control. Because ultimately, I do not control my life. I control some of my choices, like not smoking, wearing a seatbelt. But in the end, God is the ALL powerful one. My faith is in Him.
So, all of this has emerged from a 20 minute tossing and turning. Once I settled down with Proverbs 3:5, my body just relaxed. My mind and heart relaxed. God is in control He knows when Maria will be ours. And all of the worrying in the world will not change that. (Other than drive me crazy.) Instead, when I remember WHO is in control, I am left with Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." And that is where I am today. Peace. Not that there aren't moments that those doubts and fears don't creep back into my mind. But usually one thought, Proverbs 3:5, and that peace quickly returns. Thank you, God, for your peace.
Have a good day! (And if you are at it, pray for the roads to clear up and a birth certificate to arrive. :) |
