I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . ."No good in a
bed, but fine against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George
Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a
year.~Victor Borge
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa
Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap. ~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her. ~W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it. ~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress. ~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids
you. ~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
