Juice!

Let's get controversial and talk steroids, shall we?

I think if you're reading this you already know what steroids do. So why would a nice girl like me want to talk about them?

Let's get one thing perfectly clear: Women do not need steroids in order to bodybuild well. Having said that, to get really freaky huge, they probably do, but so do men; it comes down to metabolism and, basically, whether your internal chemical factory is putting out the juice for you.

I have used steroids once. After lifting for four years I found myself stuck at a plateau - a period where I just couldn't gain no matter what exercise or diet tricks I tried - and I tried them all. So after much thought, I did a six-week decadurabolin/winstrol/clenbuterol stack. The stack broke my plateau, and I then continued to gain naturally once I had finished it.

During my use, my temper was very short, I was aggressive, sexually ravenous, and my skin went to pot. I was quite the animal; not a pretty sight. Apparently I was smelly too (thanks, Barry!). The effects wore off within a week of ending the cycle.

Permanent side effects? Hard to tell. My voice has got deeper throughout my lifting career as a result of the expansion of my lungs, so I can't blame that on juice (anyway, husky is sexy, IMO). I have always had very sparse body hair so I doubt I would see any slight increase in that. I still have a woman's jawline. There's one effect that might be juice-related, but that's a bit more intimate.

Now, is it cheating? I racked my brains about this one long and hard because I compete. I came to the following conclusions:

1) At a certain level, many athletes do use performance enhancing drugs. To compete on a level playing field, you have to. I would never enter a "Ms Natural BB" contest because that's cheating, but I'm not going to yell "I juiced eighteen months ago!" either.

2) Bodybuilding is not a sport. Ooh, that's going to get me some hate mail, but it's not. It's an athletic beauty contest - an aesthetic trial. Otherwise we'd see points awarded for something objective like percentage body fat and overall muscle mass, or even - shock horror - strength. The judging in bodybuilding is subjective and hokey anyway.

To be fair, I spent a year out of competition after I started on that juice cycle. Effectively, I banned myself. I still feel vaguely uncomfortable about it.

Advice to others? First, don't juice unless you feel you have to. Exhaust all your options first. It's not good for you long-term and it's bloody expensive too. Be patient. Work for it.

Second, and this is especially important for you girls, be careful what you take. The effects and side effects vary wildly and girls should avoid the most androgenic steroids completely. Take a peek over at www.bodybuilder.org for some good info.

And no, I won't find you a dealer. Sort that out yourself. If you aren't savvy enough to find someone, you're certainly not sharp enough to take then safely.

Get freaky, gentle reader, get monstrous and powerful and shredded, become the vascular comic-book creature of your night-time fantasies. But work at it, and do it safely.