After the Tulsa show, we took a plane to France to kick off the European leg of the tour. Taylor and Amber didn’t talk—at all. They stayed away from each other without as much as a single glance. They’d never gotten to finish their fight.
I was in the official “girl’s” room with the original faces from my hometown there, Amber, Darling, Taurii, Michelle and Rachel. The rest of the faces weren’t close enough to the band to be in Europe with them. Amber didn’t take long to get out her stash of drugs (somehow able to fool the security at the airport, I never knew how she did it) and lit up a joint.
I began to think. Really think. The little stick was passed around, and all I could do was think about what would happen if I took it. They all thought I’d never done anything like this before, but if I took it they’d know right off the bat that I’ve done it before. That little bit of rolled up leaves in paper was taunting me. Pot really wasn’t what I was addicted to, although I did use it a lot. My problem was cocaine. As long as she didn’t offer me any cocaine, I’d be fine.
“Nic, do you want to try it?” Amber asked me, holding out the stick, the lit end breathing out smoke. I stared right at it, everything else one big blur. It was just calling me back to my old life. Dammit!!
“Amber, you know she doesn’t—” I grabbed the stick and inhaled between my lips. Darling, who had been the one who told Amber I didn’t do such thing, looked straight at me. Everyone waited for me to start coughing. I sat back and exhaled a circle of smoke, then grinned. The stuff was still as good as ever.
“What the hell did you use to wrap this? My God, Amber, can’t you do anything right?” I looked at it and shook my head.
“How come you never told us you’ve done this before?” Amber asked, taking the joint from me.
“As far as you’re concerned, I haven’t.”
“How come you never told me?” Darling asked, not only shocked, but appalled. I felt bad for not telling her before I revealed it to everyone else in the room.
“You never asked.” There was a knock at the door and Zac walked in.
“Smoking already?” he asked Amber. “Remember, Mom likes to say goodnight, and she knows what weed smells like.”
“Yeah, whatever. We’re good at covering up.”
“You better be. She won’t like it.” He looked at me. “Come here.” I got up and walked over to him. He pulled me out of the room.
“Hi.”
“Hi. Okay, Taylor’s really a bastard now, and he doesn’t have his coke to calm him down, so he’s really paying here. I can get you in my room by tomorrow. Are the girls treating you okay?”
“Yeah, they’re good so far. Amber got me smelling like weed, though,” I said, trying desperately to cover up any evidence that I was the one with the weed. I felt guilty enough about it. I couldn't have him find out.
“She can do that.”
“Yeah. But I’m still a good girl, I don’t want to go back to that.” He smiled.
“That’s good. So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yes. Goodnight, honey.” He kissed me. I didn't open my mouth, fearing he'd taste the weed in my mouth.
“Love you.”
“Love you too.” I watched him walk away, then went back into the room. “Give me that,” I said, taking the joint from Amber’s lips. I took a long drag and let myself fall onto the bed.
“Alright, Nic, here you go,” Amber said. I exhaled the poisonous smoke, smiling. I really missed this. “Why don’t I just light up one for you?”
“You don’t know how to,” I said. I gave it back to her. “Let me show you.”
“Not only have you done this before, you know how to roll one.” I gave her a look and grabbed the baggie of weed. I opened up the drawer and pulled out the Bible the hotel supplied for the room.
“You’re using Bible paper?” Darling asked.
“It’s better than the shit she’s using.” I ripped off a piece big enough for my joint. I rolled my joint, amazing Amber.
“How long have you been doing this?” Amber asked.
“I’m the queen of the underground drug addicts, Amber.” I giggled. “You have no idea how much shit I’ve done.”
“How come you’ve never said anything before?”
“Because this,” I said, holding out my joint, “was nearly the death of me. Well, not this, cocaine.”
“You did cocaine?” Darling asked. “Nic! Why didn’t you say anything to me?”
“I’ve said enough already. Let’s just do this and go to sleep.” I lit my joint and took a drag. “Zac is going to kill me.” “Why?”
“If he finds out I’m smoking again he’ll be really mad at me.”
“It’s going to be pretty hard to hide. He’ll be able to smell it and taste it.”
“That is what LSD is for. Colorless, tasteless, odorless. It’s a perfect way to get a high and not have anybody know, unless you can’t hold it well.”
“I never thought of that!” Amber said.
“If you can hold it well. I used LSD when my parents were on my case about drugs.”
“We don’t have any LSD, thought,” Darling said, trying to make me rethink my decision. “And we don’t know any dealers here in France.”
“Oh I know plenty around here.” I reached in my bag and pulled out a yellow address book. “You guys have black books for your dealers? Mine is yellow.” I flipped through it and stopped at a name. I grabbed the phone.
“You’re actually going to call him now? At this hour?” Darling asked, looking at the clock.
“He’s up.” I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.
“Allô?” the man with a deep French accent said.
“Jacques?” I asked sweetly.
“Nicole! What are you doing in France? And calling me?”
“I need some stuff.”
“Oh, Nicole…”
“Come on, Jacques. You know what I want, this time I’ve got the money, and everything I owed you I can pay in double. Just give me enough to last until I get to Alex in England.”
“How long is that?”
‘Two weeks. And I’ve got friends; they’ll want some too.”
“How many friends?
“A few?” I heard him sigh. “Please, Jacques? I’ll love you forever, just do this for me.” “What makes you think I’m still doing this? That I’m still in the business?”
“Because you would have hung up by now. Please?”
“Alright. I’ll do it. I’ll give you what you need. Where are you?”
“The Bordâux. You think you can get here?”
“I’ll be there in an hour.”
“Oh I love you! Thank you, merci, merci!”
“Yeah, whatever. You’re giving me cash, for sure?”
“All I have is American dollars, we won’t be in France long enough to convert all of it.”
“I’ll exchange it, just as long as you have cash. I don’t want tracks, and you know that.”
“Yeah. That’s why I don’t keep track. But thank you so much, Jacques.”
“Anything for a desperate addict with money and a sexy body.”
“That’s all you think about, isn’t it? Money, sex, and drugs.”
“Of course. I’ll see you à vingt et une heures, mademoiselle.”
“Au revoir!”
“Salut, I’ll be seeing you soon.” I hung up the phone. He said he’d be there at eleven. I couldn’t wait to see him again.
“Okay, what the hell was that?” Darling asked. I put my yellow book back in my bag.
“That,” I said, turning to her, “was me getting you guys some LSD.”
“How many people do you know out here?” Amber asked. “Cause usually when we do Europe cities we have to lay off cause we can’t find any more.”
“I checked the dates and the cities, I know a dealer in nearly every city that can get you almost anything,” I said. “I just like Jacques the most because he’ll give it to you for free if you give him a blow job.”
“Have you?” Darling asked.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” I said, sitting back. “But I’ve never slept with anyone.”
“Are you going to do it now or are you going to pay him?” Darling asked. I looked at Amber.
“Oh no, you want me to do it?” she asked. “I don’t think so.” “Come on, Amber. I only have enough for my share, and I won’t be able to ask Zac cause he thinks I wouldn’t do something like this. Technically, you’re doing it for you share.”
“Fine.”
“No fucking wonder Taylor’s so mad at you,” I said. “Hey, it’s drugs. I’ll give a perfect stranger a blow job.”
“You’ve done it before, so he must be okay.”
“You know I used to be just like you,” I said to Amber. “God, I feel like I’m fifty, but I used to be like you. When I was thirteen, fourteen, I used to do everything under the sun. No matter what. If it was there, I’d do it. I did so much drugs I can’t remember half of what happened to me. I come here saying I was a virgin but I betcha anything I wasn’t and I just didn’t know.”
“Was?” Amber asked.
“I’m talking. Anyway, I never knew if I had sex or not, I know I didn’t want to, but there’s some things I did with some people that you wouldn’t imagine. But I did it so I could get drugs or I was so wasted I had no idea what I was doing. But I’ll never do that again. I never thought I’d go back to drugs, but here. I am, getting high with the best of them.”
“Does Zac know this?” Darling asked.
“Zac knows everything, down to the very last detail.” (After Zac and I had sex that one night, we spend a good hour and a half talking about my life and my problems)
“Wow,” Amber said, putting out her joint and promptly beginning to roll another one. “I never told anything about my life to Taylor.”
“Zac and I tell each other everything. We spent the most of our time talking about each other. I love talking with him.”
“Well,” Amber said, “isn’t that nice?”
“Listen, you’re a jealous bitch and the best thing he could have done was drop your sorry ass after what you did to him. Don’t be fussy because he’s over you and is moving on with me,” I told her, giving her a look. If I wasn't afraid of her telling Zac what I was doing, I would have hit her. I'm sick of her and the way she'd been treating me.
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I know, doesn’t the truth suck?” I said, tilting my head with a smile on my face.
“That is so not the truth,” Amber said, getting up and walking to the other side of the room.
“You know it is,” I said, getting up and following her.
“Listen, I dumped him!”
“He dumped you. He dumped you like a bag of bricks, the same way Taylor’s going to. Maybe this time you’ll take a hint and not sleep around.”
“I don’t sleep around.”
“Every bellhop in every hotel we’ve stay at truly begs to differ. You’re a slut; you just don’t want to take it.”
“No, sluts actually get paid for what they do,” Darling piped up from across the room. I nodded and looked at Amber. “She just does it because she has no respect for herself.”
“Let me guess,” I said. “You were on a high when you did it.” Amber looked away. “You’re an addict, Amber. I’m serious. You need help.”
“I am not an addict,” she muttered and kicked over a suitcase.
“Take it from some who’s been there, alright? I know what it’s like to depend on something so much and not even know it. When you can go through a million dollars worth in a day and a half. I‘ve done it before. It’s just when I did it, I was too young and I ended up in the hospital. I had to go to a clinic for six months to get over it. I was there.”
“Well that’s another good deed for you, now isn’t it?” Amber said, then went back to the group and tossed herself on the bed.
“I’m telling you the truth. Shit happens. I know, and people get better.”
“How can you get better if there’s nothing wrong in the first place?”
“Amber, there’s something wrong.”
“Let’s go outside.” Amber walked onto the balcony. I followed her out there and shut the door behind me. “I don’t want help. Help means I’ll have to go away, and I really love these people.”
“You don’t always have to go away. There’s other ways to fix this.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll get clean and sit back and watch all my friends have the time of their lives while I’m the good one. I don’t think so.”
“Actually, Amber, if you sit back and watch, with a past of all that behind you, you began to realize that your friends are very sad to watch.”
“Then why did you start again?”
“It all became too much. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. It turned out that all I could think about was everything I hated. It took me so much longer than those six months in the clinic to get over drugs. And no one knew there had to be a follow up program. No one ever thought I’d do it again, but here I am, ruining everything once more.” Amber barely looked at me as she brushed past me and back into the room.
Forty-five minutes later and a lot more weed later, there was a knock at the door. “Who is it?” I said, getting up.
“It’s Jacques.” I ran over and opened the door.
“Jacques! I missed you!” I threw my arms around my old friend, my force toppling him backwards and we both fell to the ground. I got up off him and closed the door to the room so we were in the hallway alone.
“I wasn’t expecting such a greeting. How much have you done already?”
“A lot, but I’m just playing around with you. How have you been?”
“Wonderful. Making lots of money, thanks to you.” I smiled.
“That reminds me, I have to get it for you. I’ll be right back.” I went inside and got my purse. On the way back to the hallway, I heard a door open from down the hall. Oh shit, I thought. I walked outside just in time for Zac to stop and looking at us.
“Who are you and why are you with my girlfriend?” Zac asked. Jacques looked back at me, an eyebrow raised as to say "You have a boyfriend?"
“Zac, this is Jacques. He’s my friend from way back. Jacques, this Zac, my boyfriend.”
“Hello,” Zac said.”
“How do you do?” Jacques asked, very politely, and put out his hand. Zac shook it, a bit surprised. He still seemed skeptical. “She’s telling the truth. We met five years ago in a foreign exchange program. She came here and stayed with my family.”
“Oh, alright.”
“Where you going, hun?” I asked Zac.
“Just to get some ice,” he said, holding up a provided bucket and tapped the bottom of it. “Of course I have to get it for the two kings in there. I needed to get out of that room.”
“They treating you bad?” I asked, sympathetically.
“Yes! ‘Zachary, go get ice! Now!’ And they only call me Zachary when they’re on a serious lack of drugs.”
Jacques’ eyebrows perked up. “Well I—” I stamped on his foot as hard as I could. “Ow!”
“Oh I’m sorry,” I said. “I seemed to have accidentally stepped on your foot.” I gave Jacques a look.
“Did you say something?” Zac asked.
“I said ‘Ow!’ ”
“Before that.” “No.” “Oh, I thought you did. Well, anyway, I’m off to get some ice for the two kings in there. Nice meeting you,” he said to Jacques.
“You too.” Zac grinned and walked off. “What the hell was that about?”
“What?” I asked, sweetly.
“Breaking my foot?”
“You were about to tell him you’re a drug dealer!” I said, and hit him.
“So?”
“He’ll think I’ve gone back to my old way of life!”
“You are!”
“I don’t want him to know that! I don’t want him to think I’m doing drugs again! For three weeks I’ve been trying to get him off drugs and now I’m starting? He can’t know. So just give me the stuff and get the hell out of here.”
“It’s nice to know you still care about me.” I gave him a look. “Are you paying for both?”
“Amber will take care of the other half. This is all I have.” I put a wad of bills in his hand.
“How will Amber be paying?”
“However you want her to.”
“Oh. I see. Well, I have to meet this Amber.” He handed me the LSD, and held out a bag of white powder. My eyes connected with it, transfixed on it.
“What’s that? I didn’t ask for any of that.”
“It’s your favorite, just the way you like it. Free of charge, as welcome back to the business gift.”
“Jacques, I can’t take that. I can’t do that anymore! I’ll do everything, I just can’t go back to coke.”
“Come on, it’s free. You don’t get offers like this every day. This is the best of the best, and I’m giving it to you. You have to accept my gift.” He forced it towards me. I shook my head, trying to back away from it as if it would scald me if it touched me. I hit the door and I sucked in my breath quickly.
“That’ll break me, Jacques. I can’t do coke anymore.”
“Just take it. You don’t have to snore it or anything. You can give it to one of those friends, just take it.” I sighed.
“Alright.” I could almost feel tears in my eyes as I took it from him. “Come on inside, I’ll show you Amber.”
“Show me?
“Well she’s gotta like you before she’ll do anything to you.”
I opened the door and went inside. “Guys, this is Jacques. Jacques, theses are my girls—Darling, Taurii, Michelle, Rachel, and over there is Amber.”
“You, come with me. Let’s get this over with, I want my drugs.”
“What’s her specialty?” Jacques asked.
“Heroin.”
“If she’s good she might just get some. You know I carry the good kind with me.”
“Stop bragging.”
He walked off with Amber. I looked at the coke and threw it into my bag, trying my best to forget it was there. I turned to the girls. “Anyone up for LSD?” Darling gave me a look.