“Who was that guy you were with last night?” Zac curiously asked, the next morning. I flopped in a chair, tired. We were up late doing drugs. I'd thrown the cocaine in my bag, towards the bottom, just to get it out of my sight. I didn't show it to anyone, just in case. Zac knew about me and cocaine and if he found out about the drugs it'd be okay as long as he didn't find out about the cocaine. "Truthfully." He didn't trust me. I wouldn't either.
“He’s a friend of mine, Zac. You have nothing to worry about. I’d never, ever think about seeing anyone but you.”
“It’s just, you seemed so friendly with him. I’ve been had before by someone I love. I don’t want you doing it too.”
“I won’t, sweetie. I promise you. Jacques and I have been good friends for a long time, and I hadn’t spoken to him in a few years.” I got up and put my arms around him. “I love you Zac. Just you.”
“I love you too.”
“I’ll let you in on a little secret, okay?” I stood on my toes so my lips could reach his ear. “He’s gay.”
“Oh…Well that makes everything better.” I smiled. Jacques wasn’t gay. He wasn’t anywhere near gay. If I told him I’d said that about him to Zac, he’s seriously hurt me. But, I needed a cover story. I couldn’t tell Zac that Jacques was my drug dealer.
Zac suddenly picked me up and threw me on the bed. I giggled and screamed, the morning colors blending before my eyes. “How was last night with the girls?” he asked. “They didn’t eat you alive, I hope.”
“No, the girls were good.” Yeah, because I got them high without them having to pay anything. “They can be really nice.”
“Amber too?”
“Yeah. She was great to me the whole night. She even let me share the bed with her.”
“What did you do to her?”
“I embarrassed the hell out of her, so she had to be nice to me. I think she’ll be taking things a little bit better now.”
“You are good.”
“Of course I am. I am the queen.”
“Taylor’s about ready to burst; he’s still angry and he can’t do a damn thing about it. Zoë stayed with me last night, so they had to be nice to me all night.” I giggled. “What’s up with you? You are just so bubbly today.”
“I’m hyper today.”
“Oh really? What are you on?”
“Happiness,” I lied, my grin faltering. “Anyway, are you going to be okay tonight?”
“Maybe. I’ll see if I can get you in tonight, but if I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright, Zac. Just let me know. The girls aren’t as bad as I thought.” I smiled, sweetly. “Even thought I want to be with you again.”
“I’m missing you.”
“I’m right here.”
“I’m missing you tonight.”
“That isn’t exactly correct English, Zac,” I said.
“We’re in France, I can have incorrect English.” I shook my head. “I’ll still miss you tonight. It’s not fun sleeping alone.”
“You have Zoë, don’t you?”
“Oh yes, how could I forget? I have a four-year-old sleeping in my bed with me.” He pulled himself over me. “Are you really okay with the girls?”
“Yeah.”
“Is Amber being good to you?”
“She’s alright. She could be better, but then again she could be a hell of a lot worse.”
“She isn’t trying to get you to do anything, is she?” Zac asked.
“No…” I looked away. I had that guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach. He was quitting (which I knew was next to impossible to do) and I was starting up again. I couldn’t even believe myself. I was laying there, high as a kite, and he was going through hell. I could see it in his eyes, he was longing for a taste of the good stuff. He was desperate to go back, but he was quitting just for me.
“You sound very convincing.”
“Well yeah she has, but I haven’t done anything. I can’t do anything…”
“Nic, what’s wrong? You’re acting completely weird,” he said.
“I’m sorry. I’m just really tired. I’m not myself today.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want you getting sick or something.”
“No, me and the girls just stayed up late. I’ll just take a nap later, and I’ll be fine.”
“Alright.” Zac brushed my hair behind me, looking at me lovingly. My guilt nearly made me cry. “I was talking to Amber earlier.”
“You actually talked to Amber?”
“Imagine that. But she had some pretty interesting things to say,” he told me. I bit my lip. “You told her how to roll weed with Bible paper?”
“She was doing it wrong! It annoyed the hell out of me. I surprised everyone, but Zac, I really don’t care anymore.”
“Darling’s really worried about you.”
“Darling has nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t do that again. Are you worried?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because now you’re staying with the most prolific drug user I have ever known, and she could very well get you started again.”
“Are you saying that I don’t have enough in me to not start again?”
“No! Not at all! It’s just Amber’s very cunning that way.”
“I think you’re saying I don’t have enough strength to stay off of it.” I pushed him off me and got off the bed.
“Why are you attacking me? I didn’t mean it like that. I know you wouldn’t do that because you don’t want to go through that again.” I turned away and put my hand over my mouth, tears springing into my eyes. I only let a few escape, but wouldn’t let him know I was crying. “Nic, I’m sorry.” The guilt worsened. I took in a deep, shaky breath. A small whimper escaped my lips.
“You really need to think before you say things, Zac.”
“Nic…”
“I have to go,” I said. I fled the room, nearly bawling. I couldn’t let him see me like this. He’d know, he’d know for sure. I didn’t want him to know that I had started again. I didn’t want him to know I was crying either. I didn’t want him to know anything about me anymore because it’d just hurt me in the end.
I ran into Taylor in the hallway. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked.
“Out. I have to think.”
“And we all know how hard that is for you.”
“This coming from the king of the airheads himself.”
“Listen, I may be an airhead, but I’m…wait. That came out wrong.”
“Can I go now?”
“I’m trying to figure this out! Hold on!” We could be here all day. “You might be a king but you’re not an airhead?”
“That’s it! Thanks!” He gave me a smile and let me pass. How it ever got that Taylor and Isaac could gang up on Zac and not Zac and Isaac against Taylor…I don’t know. It would have been a lot easier.
I walked out of the hotel and into downtown Paris, smiling. Because of the time I spent with Jacques, I knew the streets almost as well as my own hometown. I could go virtually anywhere and know how to get back, an advantage if I wanted to get away. I walked to the nearest metro station and took it to the countryside. I got off the metro and went back above ground to the countryside. It didn’t take me long to get there.
I sat down on a bench, facing west, and looked over the land in front of me. My peace didn’t last long, though. Once I finally settled, the phone in my purse rang. I reached in; it was Zac’s phone. Figuring it was him looking for me, I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Where are you?” Zac’s worried voice said. I was right; he was looking for me.
“I’m here.”
“Where’s here?”
“By the countryside. You’ll never find me. I’ll come back soon.”
“Listen, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t fret. I just really needed to clear my head. I’m not feeling great.” I felt bad for running out on him like that. He knew I was crying, as much as I had tried to hide it, it was obvious. Then I disappeared and I'm sure he was looking for me all over the place.
“Would you rather stay with the girls tonight?”
“I don’t know. They were awfully nice to me last night, Zac. If you want me with you, I’ll go. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with your brothers again.” “I don’t exactly have anything to lure them with.”
“Amber got some heroin last night. I’ll bet you anything she’ll give you some.”
“What makes you think Amber would actually let me have some of her prized heroin?” Zac asked.
“Cause she tried it last night and she said it was too good for her.”
“She said that?”
“Yeah. She was bouncing off the walls with that stuff. I don’t know what was up with her but she wanted to get rid of it quickly.”
“Alright. Cause maybe that’ll help those two stop treating me like shit.”
“I’ll come and stay with you tonight, just so you can have someone who loves you.”
“Thank you.”
“Could you do something for me, Zac?” “What?”
“Tell Taylor that somewhere in the room there’s a Leprechaun with a pot of gold and see what he does.” Zac laughed.
“I’ll make sure to do that.”
“I’ll be back in a little while. I’m just enjoying the peace.”
“Alright, just let me know when you’re back. I’m worried.”
“Okay.”
“And give me back my phone!”
I stopped off at a few stores before returning to the hotel. I walked to our floor with a half-eaten baguette in my hand. I walked into the room I shared with the girls to find Mom in there talking with Amber and Darling. They looked up at me.
“Baguette?” I offered, since they were looking at me anyway.
“Where were you?” Mom asked.
“I was roaming the streets. I visited some shops and came back. Why?”
“We were looking for you,” Darling said. “And I want some of that.” I walked over and Darling took a piece of my baguette. “We figured you were lost.”
“No, I know this place like the back of my hand. I lived here for a year.”
“Why?”
“I was an exchange student. I spend most of my time out in the city so I know it pretty well.”
“Oh,” Darling said. “I was looking for you. I wanted to talk to you about last night.” I put my baguette on the counter.
“Okay, chat away.” “Let’s go out on the balcony,” I nodded, following her out to the balcony. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to say anything in front of Mom.
“So what’s up?”
“You,” she said, looking over me. “You never told me you had a drug problem.”
“Darling, I’ve never told anyone! As it is I just told Zac a few nights ago.” Darling gave me a painstaking look and sat down.
“Zac’s not your best friend, I am.” She was pouting. Darling always pouted when she was jealous. I could understand completely, but she'd spent as much time with Isaac as I did with Zac. What I didn't understand was how she could love that man. He was so rude to Zac.
“Is that what this is about? I’m closer to Zac than I am to you?”
“Sort of.” I grabbed a chair and sat down in front of her.
“Darling, as much as I hate to say this, you really pushed me away. All this time you were with Ike and I didn’t want to be with him. So I stayed with Zac while you pretty much shunned me.”
“I have something to tell you, Nic.”
“What?”
“Well first off, what do you think of Ike?”
“I think he’s an arrogant bastard who needs to learn how to treat people.”
“We’re getting married.”
“Oh my God!” I screamed and threw my arms around her. “I’m so happy!”
“Yeah, but you just said he was an arrogant bastard.”
“So? You like him enough to marry him. I’m so happy for you both! I have to find him.” I ran out of the room and over to Zac’s room. I opened the door, Zac, Isaac, and Taylor looking over at me.
“Yes?”
I looked straight at Isaac, my happiness (and the drugs I’d just had) making me smile widely. “I’m so happy for you!” I hugged Isaac, surprising him.
“Why?”
“You and Darling. She just told me.”
“Oh! Thank you.” I let go of him.
“Okay, I can go now.” I reached in my purse and took out Zac’s phone and tossed it to him. “Here you go.”
“What’s going on?” Zac asked, glancing over at Ike.
“You haven’t said anything?” I asked.
“Well, no.”
“Can I say it?”
“Sure.”
“Darling and Ike are getting married!”
“Does that mean you’re finally moving out of the house?” Zac asked. He nodded.
“Alright! Then good for you.” I sighed and left the room. That’s the only reason why they’d be happy, if he was leaving. I went back over to my room with the girls, and Darling pulled me back onto the balcony.
“Now we can finish our conversation,” she said. “I’m sorry. I butted you out and you and Zac hooked up right away because I wasn’t being a great friend. But we had problems, and we’re much closer now.”
“Well Zac and I are really close. If you weren’t so with Ike I wouldn’t be close to him.”
“How are you two? What are you? Are you just friends or are you an item? I haven’t been paying much attention.”
“We’re an item. We’ve been an item for a few weeks now. We started dating within a few days. I mean we even said I love you within the first few days.” “Really? You’re that far already? Have you two had sex?”
“Yes.”
“No way! Nic, you are the biggest virgin I know. You really did it?”
“Just once. But Darling, I’ve done a lot of stuff. When I was did drugs, I did a lot of sex. I never actually had sex—to the point where I remember—but I do remember doing a lot of other stuff. Actually, I did pretty much everything except have sex. I was horrible.”
“Did you tell Zac this?”
“I told Zac everything.”
“And you never told me?”
“It wasn’t a part of my life I wanted to share with anyone until recently. It’s just I told him before I told you.” She looked away. “You’re still my best friend, Darling. There’s still stuff you know that he doesn’t.”
“Like what?”
“When we went to that party and you ended up fucking Tommy McKenny in the pool.” She laughed.
“He doesn’t need to know about that.” I smiled. “Yeah, but that was about me. How about you?”
“Last year, when everything in my life fell apart. When Dad left and I went through that depression. Being with you was the only thing that kept my hopes up.” I put my arms around her. “You helped me through it. You kept my spirits up and he could never compare to how much you mean to me.”
“You’re just as important to me, you know.”
“Yeah, but you’re getting married now. You’re leaving me.”
“I’m getting married to your boyfriend's brother. You’re still going to be around, I’m still going to see you all the time.” I shrugged. “He could never compare to how much you mean to me.”
“How pathetic are we?”
“We’re not pathetic. We’re just friends.” I bit my lip. “Be careful with those drugs. I know you don’t want Zac finding out about that. He’ll be able to tell that you’re acting different.”
“Oh well.”
“Just don’t do too much.”
“I won’t.” I let go of her. It was hard to remember that she was so much older than me. She was still a teenager at heart, she acted like it around me. She never wanted to grow up, but here she was, going to get married.
She looked over me, and tucked my long blonde hair behind my ear. “You grew up too fast, sweetie.”
“You sound like my mother.”
“Someone has to. But you did. You had too much pain, too soon. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I left the balcony and went back in the room. Amber and Mom were still having a conversation, to my surprise. Amber wasn’t one to have any respect for authority, but here she was, having a deep conversation with Mom.
“Mom, when is he going to stop being so fake?” Amber asked, put her head on her knees. “When they all stop being fake.” I glanced back over at Darling. Neither of us had ever been in hearing distance when Amber talked to Mom. They both knew we were listening, and for the first time, they didn’t care. Amber picked her head up and her face showed signs of tears.
“Guys, sit down. We’re chatting about the boys,” Amber said, beckoning us over. Darling and I sat on either side of Amber, facing Mom.
“My three little girls,” she said, surprising me because I didn’t know her at all and she was already accepting me as her little girl. She looked us over, smiling. Her eyes settled on Darling. “And you actually will be my little girl.” Darling blushed. Mom looked back at Amber. “Honey, Taylor’s going to do what he’s going to do. Personally, I don’t think he’s worth you. You can do so much better than him.” My eyes grew in surprise. Mom was actually denouncing her own son. “If he could actually tell you things like that, he’s not worth your pain. Get rid of him.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Go to sleep, honey. I know you’re tired.” Amber got up, and Darling scooted closer to me. Mom watched until Amber walked into the bathroom. “Okay, what really happened?”
“Amber slept with a few guys, like she always does, and Taylor found out,” Darling whispered. Mom nodded.
“She’s such a slut, isn’t she?”
“I’m sorry, but I’m confused. Whose side are you on?” I asked.
“Neither, actually. I know she’s lying to me, and I know my son is the absolute worst person in the world. I don’t trust either of them. I just want to know the truth. It’s bad enough I never heard what went on with her and Zac.”
“I don’t think anyone knows,” Darling said. I looked away. “Don’t tell me you know.”
“Okay, I don’t know.”
“He told you!”
“He told me everything. But I can’t say anything because if he finds out I said something he’ll be really upset,” I told them.
“That’s alright, I understand,” Mom said. “It was her fault, though, wasn’t it?”
“Oh yeah.”
“How is Zac, anyway? Is he doing better?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He was having a real problem with the drugs,” Mom said. “We were going to have to do something.” Oh my God, I thought.
“Do you know everything?”
“Yes. I know everything. I know everything the boys don’t think I know. And I get a lot from Amber.”
“Okay. Zac’s doing wonderful. He doesn’t do drugs anymore,” I said. Both Mom and Darling looked at me, wide-eyed.
“Are you serious? He doesn’t do them at all?”
“He’ll do one here and there, I know he’s having problems with just quitting, but I haven’t seen him do one drug for the past few weeks. Since I met him I’ve seen him with cigarettes, and that’s it.”
“And Mom, she’s with him night and day,” Darling said. Mom looked at me.
“Really? I’m surprised. He was having a real hard time, he was worse than Amber.”
“Zac was worse than Amber?” I asked. Mom nodded. “I need to have a talk with him.”