The next day, I woke up bright and early. Zac told me Rachel usually woke up first. As I got out of bed, I saw her eating her breakfast at the table. I sat down at the table and looked at her. �Good morning,� I said. She smiled. �You know, I was talking to Zac yesterday. He mentioned you being quite the gossip queen.�
�Who do you want to know about?� she asked, smirking.
�Amber and Taylor. What do you know about them?�
�Everything.�
�Tell me.�
�My gossip comes at a price.� I grinned. I was expecting her to say that. She knew my connections with various drug dealers in town. �I know you can get me just about any drug.� I nodded. �And you can�t tell anyone that you�ve gotten this information from me or that I have any information.�
�Alright. Whatever it is you want, I�ll get it for you. Just tell me about them.�
�Anything specific? Cause we could sit here all day with me talking about the two of them. They�re both the most complex characters I�ve seen in my lifetime.�
�I know. Does Taylor still have feelings for Amber?� She nodded.
�Very much so. He loves her with all his heart, he�s just really hurt.�
�Does Amber still want to be with Taylor? Or would she rather ruin my relationship with Zac?�
�Amber�s never really loved anyone. She doesn�t grasp the whole concept of love. But she loves Zac, she just doesn�t know she does. She thinks she wants to be with Taylor. One of the main reasons she wants him, though, is because of you, Nic. Amber doesn�t truly like very many people, if any at all, but she�s starting to like you. She�ll stay away from Zac until you�re out of the picture, but she won�t take you out. But, then again, she is very complex.�
�Okay.�
�Can I tell you something about Taylor?�
�Sure.�
�He�s not really a flake,� Rachel told me. �I happen to be the one no one thinks will say anything. He�s real around me. He doesn�t act false like everyone when it�s just me and him. We actually were somewhat of an item, way back when.�
�Really?�
�Oh yeah! We dated for a long time. So I know a lot about him. He�s not a flake, he�s actually nowhere near it. But, if you think someone�s a flake, the less you expect from them, right? He�s got some pretty deep emotions. He can be right on the nail and completely wow you sometimes, he just doesn�t want to. If he shows he�s smart, people are going to expect him to be smart all the time. He�s just lazy.�
�You heard about what he did to me yesterday, right?�
�Of course I heard. I know everything, remember?�
�Why�d he do it?�
�Taylor, as of late, has really been trying to get closer to Zac. He and Ike have been realizing that the whole hating each other thing is really stupid. It had a lot to do with that magazine article when Zac said they all hate each other. They�re really trying to erase that from people�s minds and the only way they can do it is by the real thing. They�re starting to be nicer to Zac. But the one thing from getting them close to Zac is you.�
�So they�re trying to get me out of the way so they can get through to Zac?�
�Exactly.�
�That�s not the way to do it. I�m not going to just get up and leave so they can have a brothers bonding moment. I�m going home after the tour ends. They can bond then.�
�Is that all you wanted to talk about?� Rachel asked.
�Is there anything about Zac I should know about?�
�If you don�t want him to find out you�re doing drugs, you need to lay off a little. With that whole Taylor episode, he�s going to be looking for signs of use. If you act high, he�s going to think you�re high.�
�Alright. I�ll lay off for a while.�
�He loves you, Nic. More than he can imagine. He�s never felt this way before and it�s really starting to scare him. And it�s upsetting him because you�re leaving when the tour ends and he�s beginning to be unable to live without you.�
�Oh dear God,� I said to myself, and got out of the chair. That sounded like one big commitment to me. Weren�t guys supposed to be the ones afraid of this?�
�And what scares him the most if that he�s not scared by it at all.� �I did not come on this damn tour to meet someone and get married at sixteen! I came with Darling for a good time. I don�t want a big relationship with anyone! He�ll go do whatever the hell he does when he�s not touring, and I�ll go home and go back to school and do what I please because I know I�m not tied down to someone! I�m not supposed to be in a big long relationship, having sex and saying I love you every day. Why can�t he be like the rest of us and just not care?�
�Because he doesn�t do what the rest of us do. You of all people should know that. You know him the best.�
�I don�t know him at all! I just met him a month ago.�
�A month is a pretty long time, if you think about it.�
�I need to go talk to him.� I said, and walked to the door. �But he�s not awake yet. Dammit!�
�That�s what you get for talking to me so early. Sit down. We can talk some more until everyone else wakes up.� I sighed and sat down.
�You know what? Tell me about Michelle and Taurii. I don�t know much about them.�
�Michelle is sweetness trapped in a bottle. She�s one of the nicest people you�ll ever meet. Her and Zac dated towards the beginning of the boys� career. Back when everything was innocent. Michelle�s been around the longest because she�s known the boys forever. Her parents know their parents�it�s one of those things. Her and Zac are kindred spirits, best friends sort of think. She loves him and he loves her...it's awesome what they have. I've always wanted to be friends with someone like that.�
I took that comment to heart. Michelle and Zac--I never knew. He's spent all his time with me and whenever he was over here I was never with him. I never knew about him and Michelle. But I guess that's another thing I don't know about him. �And Taurii?� I asked.
�Taurii came about a year after the boys hit it big. She knew Michelle through school or something and they starting doing a lot together. Taurii�s been through everyone. She dated Ike, she dated Taylor, she dated Zac. But then again all of us have been with everyone. She's just known for going through the guys. She dated the majority of the band too. Right now she�s with one to the back-up guitarists. But she�s real straightforward. If you�re out of line and she doesn�t like it, she�ll be the first to let you know. There�s a lot of the girls who don�t go with us everywhere that don�t like her.�
�She seems pretty nice to me.�
�She can be, when she wants to,� Rachel said. �So, what do you know? Anything you want to share with me?�
�I�m not observant enough to hear about other people.�
�Then what about you? I don�t know much about you.�
�What do you want to know?�
�Let�s see. What�s your history? How�d you get to be here? Everyone�s got a story, and everyone�s life can have a book written about it. What�s your story?�
�Darling got me here. She�s my best friend, and has been for a few years. Back home, she asked me to come to a concert. I went, and Zac took a liking to me. He got me into coming to Atlanta, and it turned out that I just never went home.�
�What�s your drug of choice?�
�LSD, as of now. I�m really into that now. But it used to be cocaine. I�ll never do that again. I have to be really fucked up to use that again. It�s my last resort, I have to have a lot of problems to even think about it.�
�Why?�
�I had a big problem. I was actually in rehab for it.�
�Oh.�
�Who are you going to tell that to, now?� I asked.
�Whoever asks.�
�That�s alright. I really don�t mine. Zac will get upset, but I really don�t care much anymore.� Rachel smiled.
�Zac, can I ask you something?�
�You really need to stop asking me if you can ask me something. One of these days I�m just going to say no and you�ll get offended.�
�Still, can I ask?�
�No,� he said, looking straight at me. I gave him a look. �Yes.�
�What are you planning after the tour ends? What are you going to do?�
�Band-wise?� he asked. I nodded. �We�re going to take a break, settle off at home for a few weeks. Then we go to LA to record the next album. I think we�ve got enough material, and I�m striving to get out of the spotlight for once.�
�How about along the lines of us?� I asked.
�I don�t know. You have to go to school and we live pretty far apart. It�s not like I can hop in the car and run over to you.�
�Yeah, that sucks doesn�t it?�
�Well think of it this way,� he said. �Darling and Ike dated only during the summer for here years and they�re getting married.�
�Yeah, but Darling dated everyone under the sun when she wasn�t away for the summer.�
�And?�
�I don�t know about that,� I said. I got up and walked to the window. �Maybe we shouldn�t think about this right now. We still have a while before the tour ends.�
�Maybe.� He looked over at me. �Have you talked to Rachel?� he asked. I nodded. �Is that why you�re suddenly concerned about this? I have told her a lot of stuff, and if you�ve asked she�s told.�
�Yes.�
�What�d you talk about? More importantly, who�d you talk about?� he asked.
�Mostly Amber and Taylor.�
�Did you talk about me?� he asked. I grinned. He seemed so antsy.
�A little.�
�What about me?�
�What about you? We mentioned your name a few times, yes.�
�What�d you say about me? I hope you�re telling her how absolutely perfect I am.�
�You�re nowhere near perfect, honey. But we spent most of our time talking about Taylor. She was telling me he�s really not a flake.�
�No, he�s not. He just acts like he is so people won�t ask him to do anything of value. You should see him around the studio. If someone asks him to do something he�ll say he doesn�t understand I usually end up doing it for him.� I shivered slightly at Zac�s touch. I felt so bad, everyone knew about my secret problem. It wasn�t so secret anymore, unless I was around him. He was the only one who didn�t know. And I wanted to tell him, but I couldn�t. As he slid his arms around my waist, I got a whiff of his smoky scent. He�d just smoked; it was in his clothes. But, then again, it could have been me. I found out soon enough.
�I can tell you�ve been hanging around those girls, you smell like smoke.�
�Yeah��
�Is there something you want to tell me?� he asked. Paranoia set in instantly. Did he know? Did he figure it out and is expecting me to tell him now?
�No.�
�Oh, I thought there was. Nevermind.� I sighed, heavily. I could have sworn he'd figured it out and wanted me to tell him. I couldn't see him, he was holding me from behind, so I couldn't see if there was a disappointed look in his eyes or not. �There is something, you act as if you have a burden on your back.�
�No. I�m just tired. I went to sleep late and woke up early so I could talk to Rachel before everyone else woke up.�
�You can take a nap, you know. We have an hour or two before we have to leave.�
�No, that�s alright.�
�Honey, I don�t want you tired. I want you bursting with energy like you usually are.�
�I�m sorry.�
�Nic, there�s got to be something wrong. You�re never like this. I know you��
�Oh you don�t fucking know me at all, Zac. You think you know me. You think you know how I act in certain situations and all this other stuff. Dammit Zac if you even knew me at all you�d leave me on the spot!� I said to him, getting out of his embrace.
�Then tell me! If I don�t know you how is saying that going to help. If I don�t know you, tell me what I don�t know.�
�You don�t want to know! Can�t you see that? I don�t want you know so you can love me the way I am right now.�
�I do love you, Nic. I don�t understand what could be so wrong that you have to make such a big deal over it.�
�I have to leave,� I said, walking to the door. �I have to go and think about this.�
�What the hell is there to think about, Nic? Just tell me.�
�I said I have to think about it. Let me do this, please.� I left the room, not even letting him respond. I raced over to my room. I glanced around, seeing who was there. Surprisingly, there was no one. Tears streaming down my face, I hurried tried to find an out.
I don�t understand why I felt so bad. I didn�t then and I still don�t. I had the perfect opportunity to tell him, he wouldn�t be as mad if I would have told him another time. I just couldn�t, and I grew angry with myself. After I was angry, I realized I was more disappointed in myself than angry. I needed a way to escape from it. And I could think of only way to do that.
Glancing around the room again, I searched through my bag. Hidden in between some clothes was the bag of cocaine Jacques had given me. I put the bag on the table and stared at it. Did I really want to do this? Go back to cocaine? Even if it was just this once? That morning I�d just told Rachel I�d never go back to this unless I had some major problems. This wasn�t big enough to be a major problem, was it?
There�d be other low points. Absolutely lower than now. I knew I�d have these moments again. The coke would be the cause of and solution to all my problems. I knew it would be. But I really needed it.
�Just fucking do it, Nicole,� I muttered to myself. I was going so crazy I was beginning to swear at myself.
I dumped a portion of the cocaine onto the table and soon enough I found myself snorting it. My body instantly relaxed as I felt the all too familiar substance pulsate through my body.
I didn�t like it, at first. I didn�t like it because I betrayed my own trust and my own self. I sat back and looked over what I just did, and I cried. With one insecurity, I wasted six months of rehab, years of being cocaine free, and I could never forgive myself.
I didn�t notice the door open, I didn�t notice Darling walk in an freeze when she saw me. I was crying with my head on the table, the cocaine spilled carelessly over the surface of the smooth table.
�Nic! Oh my God, Nic! What did you do?� she said, picking my head up off the table.
�I didn�t mean to do it. I just had nothing left and I felt so empty inside. I had the chance to tell Zac and I only got mad at him and worried him and came in here to do what I told him I�d never do again! What I told myself I�d never do again! But I did it and I�m so worried.�
�Honey, Nic, it�s okay�� Darling put her arms around me as I continued to cry, harder now that she was there and I began to analyze myself more.
�No it�s not okay! Do you know what this is?� I yelled at her, my voice cracking and choking with the tears. I pulled away from her and put the bag of cocaine in her sight. �Do you not see what I just did? This is cocaine, Darling. I just did cocaine! I spent six months of rehab and years of follow up treatments to get this away from me! This was the one drug I promised myself and my family that I�d never do again! But I just did it!�
�Nic, it�s okay. You can just get rid of it. I won�t tell anyone, you won�t tell anyone. We�ll forget the whole thing ever happened and we can move on.�
�I can�t get rid of it! It�s in my system now. I�ll crave it over and over again��
�I�ll help you, Nic. I�ll stay with you until you�re over this. But we have to get rid of it.�
�No!�
�Nicole, we have to get rid of it. If I have to tie you to the chair and do it myself, I will.�
�I said no.� Darling grabbed me and put me in a chair, surprising me.
�Stay here.� I huffed and crossed him arms across my chest. She grabbed my white powder from the table, scooping all of the excess into the bag and walked into the bathroom.
�Darling! You�re not actually going to get rid of it, are you?�
�Yes I am.� She dumped the bag into the toilet.
�No!� I jumped up and ran into the bathroom as Darling flushed the toilet. �No! I need that!�
�You don�t need it. You need to get away from it. I�m doing this to help you. I don�t wan you to go through what happened before again.�
�I fucking hate you!�
�Uh-huh. Sure,� she said. �You were upset with yourself, and you wanted to get rid of it. I did that. Now you hate me? You�ll hate me even more later. Tomorrow you�ll love me again.�
�No, tomorrow I�ll still hate you. But when we get to London I�ll get more coke from the people there.�
�Not if Zac finds out.
�If you tell Zac, I�ll fucking hate you forever.�
�Well I wouldn�t do that. But I saw Rachel walking towards the boy�s room when I came here. That�s why I came here, to tell you. I heard you two talking this morning. She�s going to tell him.�
�What?!�
I ran out of the room and to Zac�s. I opened the door. Rachel was sitting on the side of the bed, a sly smile on her face. Zac looked up at me.
�Hey honey,� he said. I looked at Rachel. She hadn�t say anything yet.
�I need to talk to you,� I said to her.
�About what you were going to tell him,� I said, pointing to Zac. �Have you said anything?�
�Maybe. We have been talking about a lot.� Well, Zac wasn�t fuming at me, so obviously she hadn�t.
�But you�re not going to, are you?� Rachel shrugged.
�Maybe.�
�I know you�re a gossip queen, but please don�t.�
�Fine. I won�t. But soon enough, someone will. It may be me, it may be Taylor, it might even be Darling or something else. But the only way to lessen the backlash is to tell him yourself.� Rachel got up and walked to the door. �See you.�
Rachel left and Zac turned to me. �What is she talking about?�
�Nothing important.�
�You�re lying.�
�I know.�