“I’m sick of it. I’m sick of lying to Zac.”
I sat in the girl’s room in London talking to Darling. After the close call with Rachel, I kept an eye on Zac and made sure no one told him anything. I was completely paranoid, all the time.
“Then you need to tell him.”
“I can’t do that, Darling. I can’t do it.”
“Then what? You’re going to continue lying to him until someone says something and he’ll be pissed you waited so long!”
“How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to tell him I started drugs again? I can’t walk up to him and say ‘Honey, I’m doing drugs again. I know I lied to you, but I didn’t want you to find out.’ I can’t say that to him.”
“Well find some way. Find some way to say it.”
“Why do I have to say it at all? Why can’t I just leave and go home and get better there? Zac never has to know. I’ll see him again next year and I’ll be clean.”
“How do you know you’ll get better at home?” Darling asked. “If anything, you might get worse at home. And then Zac pops up on you and you have drugs everywhere.”
“I’ll get better at home.”
“Why don’t you get better now? Stop now and you’ll have nothing to worry about.”
“I’m not going to stop now.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to stop now.” Darling threw her hands up in the air.
“I don’t know what to do with you! You don’t want Zac finding out you’re using, but you don’t want to quit. Nicole, I can guarantee that he will find out. If you really start using cocaine again, he’ll find out soon, because you won’t be able to hide it anymore. If you don’t want him to find out, then quit. Otherwise I’m going to tell him.”
“Darling! You will not tell him!”
“Nicole, honey, you’re already acting different. He’s noticing that too. There’s little things and eventually he’ll figure the big picture out.”
“Not if you don’t say anything. He’ll actually believe you. I don’t want him to find out, but everyone wants to rat on me. Taylor already tried; so did Rachel. If Amber hadn’t stopped Taylor I would be in hell and high water right now.”
“You know you shouldn’t even be doing this.”
“I’m going to do whatever the hell I please,” I yelled, pointing my finger at her. “If I want to do every drug under the sun, then I will!”
“Fine! Do what you want! Just don’t expect me to be here when you’re bawling your eyes out because he knows.”
“Fine!” I stormed out of the room. Maybe I could find some solace with Zac. I walked into the boys’ room. Amber was in there talking to Zac.
Zac looked over at me and his face fell. “You,” he said, walking over to me. He put a finger in my face. “You fucking lied to me.”
“What are you talking about?” I sweetly asked.
“Don’t give me that ‘I’m so innocent’ bullshit. You lied to me, over and over again. You’re doing drugs.”
My head shot over to Amber. She gave a tiny wave with her large smile. “You told! I cannot believe you! You of all people, Amber. I was just beginning to trust you.”
“That’s your first mistake.”
“But—But you defended me before! You got Taurii to claim the LSD when you knew it was mine.”
“I couldn’t let Taylor be the one to say anything, now could I?” she asked. “Well that defeats the whole purpose!”
“Amber get the fuck out of here!” Zac yelled. “If I ever see you conniving face again, it’ll be too soon. You’ve manipulated the last person for the very last time!”
“But Zac—” “Leave!” Zac shouted, pointing to the door. She got up and left. I couldn’t believe it was her, but then again I could. It figured Amber would be the one to say it. She manipulated me, just like she did to everyone else.
I looked at Zac. He wouldn’t have it, and turned to the window. “I cannot fucking believe you,” he said to me.
“I don’t understand it, Zac,” I said. “It’s only drugs.”
“Only drugs”?” he asked, turning to me. “Only drugs? You are doing drugs, Nicole. And it’s not that fact that upsets me, it’s that you lied to me. Repeatedly. You told me you’d never in your life go back to drugs! What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking.”
“Obviously! The Nic I know wouldn’t do something that stupid! I don’t know you at all anymore!”
“You never knew me to begin with, Zac! I came here just over a month ago! That’s hardly any time to know anyone, especially me. I’m so complicated…but Zac, if you knew me at all you’d understand why I did this.”
“Why did you do it? Tell me, I’ll listen.”
“It just got too hard.”
“What got too hard?”
“Living! Going day to day when everyone around me is smoking and getting high and I’m not. After a while, it just got too hard to watch and I had to join them.”
“I wasn’t doing anything, Nic. And you spent all your time with me. When did you start?”
“When we first came to Europe and I had to share a room with the girls.”
“That long? Nicole, how many people know about this?”
“Just a few,” I lied.
“How many is just a few?”
“Everyone.”
“Everyone? I can’t believe this. This is not happening to me.”
“To you?”
“Yes, it’s happening to me. I don’t know you anymore. How can I possibly be with you when all you’ve done is lie to me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means…” he took a breath and ran his hands through his hair. “It means we need to take a break from this until you can stop lying to me.”
I stood there, in quite a bit of shock as he began to walk to the door. “No, Zac, no. You can’t just break up with me because of this. I love you and I never meant to lie to you but it all happened and I’d do anything to take it back.”
“But you are a liar! How do I even know you love me? You could be lying to me right now just so you could keep what you want. Goddammit Nic you are so much like Amber sometimes it scares me.”
“Zac, you know I wouldn’t lie to you about that.”
“That’s what you said about everything else! And now I’m find out from Amber that you lied about everything.”
“How can you even comprehend what Amber tells you! It’s Amber!”
“Once is one thing. Taylor told me you were on drugs once. And now Amber tells me the same exact thing he said! But of course you’ll deny it until the world ends! You know, I went as far as asking Taurii and Michelle. They both said you were. And you denied it until I finally accused you.”
“But Zac, breaking up is not the answer.”
“How do I know you won’t lie about another thing? You could have another life altogether that I don’t know about and you’ll just lie to me about it. Lying to one person is one thing, lying to me is something completely different.”
“Zac, I’ll do what you want. I’ll tell you what you want, just don’t leave me! What the hell am I going to do here without you?”
“Find something, find someone or go home. I’m so pissed at you, you would not believe.”
“No, I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that you would break up with me over something as petty as this.”
“Calling it petty just digs you deeper, Nic. There’s reasons behind this. If you can’t see that, I don’t want to waste my time. I’m leaving. Good luck, goodbye.”
“Zac! No!”
He didn’t respond; he just left. I stood there like a fool, my mouth hanging open, too shocked to cry. And it made me feel horrible, I couldn’t even cry about it. I blinked, shivered, and ran out of the room. I ran over to my room, looking around Darling was at the table and Amber was at the counter.
“You!” I yelled at Amber.
“ ‘Sup?” she said, giving me a nod of her chin.
“You are so dead!” I charged at her, my force knocking her down and my anger consuming me.
“Nicole!” Darling yelled.
“Shut up Darling,” I nearly growled and punched Amber in the face. All my frustration, depression, and grief poured out in my anger as I continued to hit Amber. She put her arms over her face, trying to somewhat blow my blows.
“Nicole! Stop!” Darling yelled. She pulled me off of Amber, kicking and screaming.
“Let go of me! Let me go! Let me finish!” I yelled.
“What is hurting Amber going to solve?”
“She’s the one who fucking told him! It’s all her fault he broke up with me! Let me go!” I screamed. Amber sat up, wiping the blood away from her lip and nose. She stood in front of me. I kicked her.
“Nicole, calm down.”
“You fucking ruined everything,” I told Amber. “Everything was fine until you intervened. I don’t want to look at you.”
“Everything was not fine, Nic. You’re relationship was dying and you knew it.”
“No it wasn’t!”
“Nic, it was,” Darling said. “You have to accept that. You were fighting all the time.”
“Now you’re both against me? You both can stay out of my life, starting right now.” I wiggled out of Darling’s arms and left the room. But I had nowhere to go. I didn’t want to stay in that room, not with Amber. I couldn’t go to Zac—that was a lost cause. There was no point in staying here anymore.
I left the hotel to take a walk. Maybe the day would keep my mind off things, so I headed down the street, trying not to think about it. I knew I couldn’t do that, though. The thing that amazed me the most was how quickly everything happened. The course of events just spewed out and I could barely think before everything was over.
I couldn’t believe he broke up with me. I didn’t give myself time to think before I was beating up amber. It was a good thing Darling was there, because I could have really hurt her. Well, she deserved it.
No she didn’t, I thought. You brought it all on yourself. You did the drugs and you kept lying to him. It was all you. What a pathetic excuse for a break-up. I lied to him. Everyone lies. No one gets punished like this for it.
I sat down on a bench. I pulled my legs up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. I looked at all the people passing by, those who could care less. Some of the people had so many visible problem mine seemed so small.. Take the poor woman across the street, who looked like she hadn’t eaten or bathed in weeks. I sat there in my designer clothes with a hundred dollars in make-up on my face. I sighed. Even if my problems were so small, it didn’t make them hurt any less.
I buried my face in my clothes, allowing myself to cry. I don’t know how long I stayed there and cried, but before I knew it, I had an arm around my shoulders. I looked up, my first instinct that a stranger was trying to comfort me. But here it was Isaac, a look of sympathy on his face.
“Oh, hi,” I said, and sniffed.
“I heard.”
“Yeah, you and everyone else.” I let my legs down as he pulled me into an embrace.
“You beat Amber up pretty bad.” I let out a laugh, but it didn’t do much for my tears. “She’s getting attended to by Mom. But I’m sure you don’t care.”
“No, I don’t.”
“He shouldn’t have reacted that way. He’s mad. He just didn’t know what to do. Give him a day or two, he’ll calm down.” I shook my head.
“No, I’m not going back and spending a day or two with them. I have nowhere to stay. I can’t stay in your room because of Zac, and I refuse to stay in a room with Amber any longer.”
“Where would you go, then?”
“Back home. Back to Florida. The tour’s almost over anyway. If Zac does make up his mind, and goes my way, what’s going to happen? We spend he rest of the week trying to get rid of the awkwardness, then the tour ends and I go home, Zac goes home, what the hell was the point?”
“At least you’ll know you’re back together for next summer.”
“What makes you think I want to do this again next summer? I don’t want all of this again.”
“You have to come next summer!”
“Why?” I asked. “No one likes me, It’ll be awkward. You and Darling will most likely be married by then, so she’ll want to be with you and not me.”
“More people like you than you think. Zac’s just mad, and Amber’s a bitch anyway.”
“I don’t want to come next year.”
“Well, think about it. It’s still a year away. You don’t know what’ll happen from now until then.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. That’s pretty much all I’ll do.” I sighed. “I have to go home. I have no place here anymore.”
“Nic, I wish you’d reconsider,” Darling said. I put my bag over my shoulder and leafed through it, taking out any kind of drug I had.
“This is my decision. I’m sorry if you don’t like it.” I grabbed my passport and stuffed it in my purse, then glanced around to see if I’d forgotten anything.
“But leaving early isn’t going to help anything. Have you even told Zac yet?”
“Why the hell should I tell Zac? He’s mad it very clear that he didn’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.”
“But he has a right to know that you’re leaving. You’re probably not going to see him again.”
“I’m invited to your wedding, aren’t I?” I asked.
“Yeah, but that’s a year from now.” I shrugged. “You can’t just run away like this, Nicole.”
“Yes I can. My plane leaves in two hours. I have my ticket, I have my passport, I’m leaving now.”
“But…”
“I’ll see you later,” I told Darling. I hugged her. “Give me a call when you’re home, we can do something. Catch me up on the gossip.”
“What makes you think your mother will allow you to leave the house? You haven’t talked to her since you left. She probably thinks you’re dead.”
“How many times did you call her, Darling?”
“Once a week.”
“That’s what I figured.” I glanced around once again. “Tell the people that matter that I said goodbye. I’ve got my cab downstairs waiting. I’ll see you when you get back.”
“You’re actually leaving?” “I have no reason to stay.” She sighed. “Goodbye.” “I’m telling Zac.” She ran out of the room. I quickly left. Stopping her would only result in her telling him with me still here. It’s not like he would do anything, anyway. I left the hotel and got into the awaiting taxicab downstairs. As he pulled away, I glanced back at the hotel. We turned the corner just in time for me to see Zac run out of the hotel and look for me. I couldn’t think of anything but the look of despair on his face when he found himself out there too late. I got at the airport, half expecting to see him there. But I didn’t, so I checked my bag in and waited at my gate for my flight to board.
While I sat there, I had a lot to think about. I thought about when I first met Zac how different we all were. He was into the drugs and the sex; he was a completely different person. Now he only smoked when he was worried (which I’m sure he was doing right now) and didn’t have sex with anyone but me, and as it was we’d only done it once.
I was different. I wasn’t a virgin anymore, if I was when I came on this tour. I had my drugs again. I knew when I got home I’d be getting stuff from my friend again. My friends back home probably thought I dropped off the face of the earth. I pretty much did. I left for a month and didn’t tell anyone I was going.
“Now boarding, first class,” the voice called from the loudspeaker. I stood and handed my ticket to the flight attendant. He put it through the machine and let me board. It was funny how many planes I’d been on lately. We’d hopped from country to country in such a short period of time.
I’d only been with these people a month and I felt as thought I was leaving and I felt as though I was leaving my life-long friends behind. No matter how horrible, or fake, that they were, I’d never be able to forget them.
I sat down in my seat and pulled up a shade to the window. I looked at the typical sight of a loading plane. The people running around to get the baggage loaded and preparing for the plane to eventually take off. I closed the shade and looked at the seat in front of me. I wasn’t used to first class, but this is what I got and I was lucky to be here. I loved the room I had, I could actually stretch and not worry about hitting the person next to me.
In a half an hour, the plane was ready to take off. The place was in line to take off. That was when I almost regretted any choice. The plane moved forward. I leaned against my seat and smiled. At least I could leave this plane in style.
As the plane flew into the air, I regretted leaving.
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