One week later found me doing more drugs than I had ever planned, and spending less and less time with Zac. And it felt horrible. The more I put drugs in my system, the more I depended on them. The more I needed to use them to function normally, and actually, the more I couldn�t function normally. That was one of the man things that scared me. I was becoming more reliant on drugs, basically meaning I was becoming addicted. Again.
I sat in the girl�s room in Spain. We were in Barcelona at the time, then we�d go to Madrid and then to London. We were slowly approaching the end of the tour. Darling and Amber were actually still asleep; I was having my early morning moments with Taurii, Michelle, and Rachel. We�d done this a lot the past week. We were the first to wake up and this we started our own little party.
I�d never realize how good people these three girls were. I�d never actually taken the time to bond with them; I usually stayed with Darling. And as much as I didn�t like Amber, we sure did spend a lot of time together.
�Well you just waltzed right into the group, Nic,� Michelle told me. �You came right in at the middle of the tour and stole Zac away. I don�t know how you did it, but you got some good skills to do it.�
�That�s the thing,� I said. �I didn�t try to do anything. I didn�t try to get him at all. He came to me and he made the first move on me. I just answered him honestly and tried to be as real as I could.�
�I really thought you were a goodie-goodie when you first got here,� Taurii confessed. �You blew us all away when you first took that pot from Amber. I thought you�d never do something like that.�
I rubbed my flannel between my hands. I hadn�t been wearing a flannel lately, but it was coming back into my wardrobe. �Yeah, I wanted to come across that way because I really didn�t want any pressure into doing anything. After a while of seeing everyone else, though, it just got too hard.�
�Oh.�
�I suppose none of you have tried to quit. Gotten help for it. Cause everyone here has a problem. We can�t all be Zac and go through it with a grin on our face. I know he�s not as clean as he lets on, because I know it�s not that easy.�
�Maybe he�s just playing easy,� Michelle said, and took a drag from the joint in her hand. �He�s probably going through hell and doesn�t want you to know about it.�
�That�s exactly what he�s doing,� Amber said. I looked up and she was lazily making her way to the bathroom as she rubbed her eyes.
�Really?� I asked.
�Whenever Zac�s having problems, he doesn�t like to share them with people. He keeps them inside and usually vents by writing a song about it. He can be real stoic sometimes.�
�That really can�t be good for him,� I said.
�Of course it�s not good for him. But he�s not going to do anything to change. Trying to get Zac to publicly admit his feelings is like trying to stuff a rich man through a camel�s eye by a needle or something like that.�
�Stick a camel through the head of a needle?� I asked. She nodded.
�Yeah, that�s it.�
�Well maybe he needs to privately admit his feelings,� I said.
�Take it this way. Has he said he loves you yet?� Amber asked.
�Yeah.�
She obviously wasn�t expecting my answer to come out that way. I even saw her flinch. �He has?�
�Yeah. He said it weeks ago.� It surprised me to see the hurt in her eyes. I never really knew how much Zac had meant to her, I figured Zac had scared her off when he said he loved her. Amber was not one to commit, to anyone. Not even herself.
�Oh, well, then nevermind.� Amber walked into the bathroom.
�That wasn�t good at all,� I said, making a face.
�She still loves him. You don�t know how much it hurt her when she found out he liked you.,� Michelle told me. �She locked herself in the bathroom and cried. She�ll never admit it, though.�
�She cried? Amber, who couldn�t give a damn, cried?�
�I bet you anything she�s crying right now,� Taurii whispered. Well if she was, I wanted to know. I got up and opened the bathroom door. Amber was sitting on the edge of the tub, nearly bawling her eyes out. It shocked the hell out of me.
She looked up. �Don�t you ever knock? I could have been doing something personal in here! And you knew I was in here.� I shut the door behind me.
�Why are you crying? Because Zac loves me and not you.�
�That�s exactly why I�m crying.�
�Why? You have Taylor.�
�Not anymore.�
�If you would apologize to him instead of sulking here over a guy you hurt too damn much to ever think of you again, maybe you still would have him. Taylor absolutely adores you, Amber. I don�t know why! I don�t know how anyone could like anyone here because we�re all so fake there�s no real person to like. I personally think the whole concept of love on this tour is insane!�
�How about you and Zac?�
�If Zac ever know I�ve been lying to him he wouldn�t love me anymore.�
�Oh that�s bullshit, Nic! Sure he�ll be mad, but he won�t stop loving you. You haven�t done anything but drugs,� she said, and grew serious. �Nic, I see the way he looks at you. He�s never looked at anyone like that before, and I�ve known Zac for quite a long time. I don�t think he could ever stop loving you.�
�He�s sixteen. He�ll get over it,� I said. �Listen, Amber, I�m gonna get Taylor back for you. You gotta care about him somewhat.�
�Yeah, I do. He�s such a flake but he�s the only one who�ll pay attention to me. He�s a real great guy.�
�Then I�ll get him back for you.�
�Thanks.� I gave her a hug and we both went out into the room. We barely got out there when the door opened and Zac and Taylor came in. Zac had on his a swimsuit with a towel in his hands.
�Babe, we�re going to the pool and you�re coming with us,� he said to me.
�Oh really?� I asked. �Are you even going to let me change into my suit?�
�No, you�re coming down just like that. When we get to the pool I�ll rip off all your clothes and you�ll have to swim naked.�
�Hey, I�m up for that,� Taylor said. Zac gave him a look. �Oh, sorry. Naked bad, swimsuit good.�
�Well I�m going Amber has to come too.� Zac shrugged.
�Sure.� Then he gave it a little thought. �Wait, did you just actually say Amber has to come with you? The last time I checked you�d do anything to get away from her.�
�We�re beginning to become friends now.�
�Really? I would have never thought that in a million years.�
�Well, here you go. Let us change and we�ll be with you in a jiffy.�
� �Kay. We�ll be waiting by the elevators. Don�t take too long.�
�We will.� Zac and Taylor left her room. Amber and I changed. Darling remained asleep and the trio on the ground didn�t even realize anything had happened.
As Amber and I walked to the elevator, she turned to me. �You realize this is the first time we�ve actually done something fun?�
�There�s been a pool at every hotel we�ve stayed at, and today is the day we decide to swim.�
�I think it�s cause today�s the boys� day off and they have no other way to spend it.�
�Most likely.� Amber and I met up with Zac and Taylor at the elevator.
�Ready?� Zac asked.
�Yup,� I answered. We went down to the pool. The first thing that happened, before I could even put down my towel or take off my shoes, Zac picked me up and threw me in the pool. I threw my towel on the ground before I hit the water, and I was lucky I didn�t wear expensive shoes. I surfaced and Zac was laughing triumphantly. �I could kill you,� I said.
�Yeah but you won�t cause I�m too important to the world, right?�
�You can be replaced,� I said, lifting myself out of the water. I took off my shoes and placed them by my towel on the deck.
�No I can�t! I�m the drummer, I�m the most important part of the band.�
�No you�re not!� I said. �Taylor�s the most important part of the band. He sings all the songs. We can find another drummer.� I went behind him and started to push him towards the pool.
�No, this isn�t obvious at all!� Zac said. �I�m not being pushed towards the pool, not at all!�
�Shut up and go in cause I don�t want to be the only one wet.�
�I could just jump in the pool, you know. You don�t have to push me.�
�Alright,� I said, and stopped pushing him. I wasn�t getting anywhere anyway. He didn�t move.
�I don�t feel like going in now.�
�Zac!�
�Push Taylor in! I just want to be out here, perfectly dry, to annoy you.� He lighting poked me in the shoulder, a smile dancing on his lips.
�Get in the fucking water! You annoyed me enough already.�
�Fine. But you�re coming with me.� He picked me up again and threw me in the water, then dove in himself. The water was cold. I didn�t like being thrown in the first time, and the second time wasn�t any better. I splashed Zac.
�This water is cold!�
�Obviously,� he said, and glanced at my chest.
�You are such a pervert.�
�Come on, I�m a guy! Of course I�m a pervert,� he said. �You�re beautiful.�
�Alright�� I said. �Thank you.�
�It�s cold in here. Let�s go in the spa over there,� Zac said. I followed him to the Jacuzzi spa. I glanced over at Amber and Taylor. They were in the shallow end of the pool, splashing each other. At least it looked friendly.
Once in the Jacuzzi, I sat close to Zac. He put his arm around my shoulders, whispering into my ear. Even thought the Jacuzzi was enough to make me sweat, every time his lips brushed past my ear, I shivered. �I love you,� he whispered. I felt his lips lightly kiss my cheek in a tiny trail to my lips. Over the time we were together, we never really made out. We would kiss for a while every now and then, but we�d never really had a full-fledged make out session. I guess it was because we talked better than we kissed. Surprisingly, we were making out there in the Jacuzzi. I never thought he�d actually have the guts to do it in front of anyone�especially Amber. I knew it was making her uncomfortable.
It�s funny how my mind wanders. I can talk myself in and out of any situation while I�m doing it because my mind isn�t in it. I�m always thinking. Right at that moment I had my mind on Amber. I could almost feel her stare, but she was laughing and jumping around in the water with Taylor. I�d never seen her cry before, not like I�d seen her that morning at least. I figured she was just another one of those ice princesses. She acted like she could really care less about anyone�s feelings, especially Zac�s. But now she was opening up to me. At least she was back with Taylor.
�Zac, I need to ask you something.�
�What?�
�Do you know anything about the Amber and Taylor situation?�
�Not really, why?�
�Cause I�m trying to get them together and I was talking to Amber and she was really opening up t me.�
�I noticed you two being very chummy lately. What�s going on with that?�
�I don�t know. We�re just talking lately,� I said, glancing over at Amber and Taylor. They looked like they were having fun. �I know she still wants to be with him, but I�m not so sure about his part. That�s why I�m asking you.�
�I don�t know. I wish I could tell you. He is still pretty hurt by her. She had a tendency to be that way.� His eyes suddenly clouded over with an emotion I couldn�t quite read.
�She feels really horrible. I actually caught her crying in the bathroom this morning.� Zac�s eyes widened in surprise.
�Amber? Crying? Amber doesn�t cry. I�ve never seen her cry. And I was with her a long time.�
�She was near bawling today.� I wasn�t about to say what it was exactly about. He probably thought it was about Taylor. I didn�t want to go forth and tell him she was crying over him.
�She wasn�t crying about him, was she?� he asked.
�Yeah she was.� Zac gave me a look. �No she wasn�t.�
�She was crying about me, wasn�t she?� I nodded. �Why?�
�I mentioned to her that you said you loved me already. I guess it really upset her. I know she�s still got feelings for you.�
�Great�� he got out of the Jacuzzi. �This is exactly what I need.�
�Zac, what the hell? �This is exactly what you need��
�I didn�t need to hear that, alright?�
�You know you�re really moody when things don�t got your way.� I got out of the Jacuzzi, not wanting Amber to hear. �It�s not like she�s pursuing you. She wants Taylor right now.�
�Oh, and in a week she�ll want me?� he asked. �I don�t get it, Nic.�
�What�s there to get?� I put on my shoes and wrapped my towel around myself. We left the pool deck and went back into the hotel. �She had feelings for you, so what? It�s not like anything is going to happen from that. I�m asking your help to get her back together with Taylor. I�m not asking you to like her.�
�I�m going to my room.�
�What the hell is your problem?� I yelled at him.
�It�s not of your fucking concern.� Zac walked away. I went back to the pool deck. Amber saw me come back in, by myself, and came over to me.
�Where�s Zac?�
�Zac�s having a problem. He�s being a bastard so let him cool off for a while. I don�t want to upset him further. We all know how bad he can be.�
�You want me to go see what�s wrong?� Taylor asked. I thought about it. If Zac was going to help me, now would be a good time to do it.
�You can try. I don�t know what his problem is.� I was surprised Taylor even offered. They seemed to be close now. The last time I checked, they hated each other. Taylor got out of the pool and went inside the hotel.
�What happened?�
�I told him something that upset it, that�s all. I don�t even know what I said to upset him.� That was technically true. I knew what I said, but I didn�t know why it upset him. Unless he still had some feelings for Amber�
�Oh shit,� I said.
�What?�
�I figured out why it upset him.� Damn! I should have known, the way he acted around her, why he couldn�t let it go. Well that was just a kick in the face.
�You going to tell me?� she asked. I sat down on the edge of the pool and put my feet in. I shook my head.
�No.�
�Alright.� She sat down next to me. �Do I want to know?�
�Yeah.� She looked away. It was an indoor pool, but there was another one adjacent to us on the outside. The other inhabitants of the hotel were enjoying the beautiful outdoor weather, which was why so many of them were by the pool. That pool overlooked the beautiful scenery. There was no one in the indoor pool but me and Amber, which was why we were there. I saw quite a few teenage girls out there. That as the basic Hanson fan base, so Zac and Taylor wanted to stay away from them.
�Have you and Zac fucked?�
�No, we haven�t �fucked,� � I said. �We�ve made love, I�ll even go as far as saying we�ve screwed, but no, we haven�t �fucked.� �
�You are so sweet. God, I hate you. I want to say that I�ve �made love� with someone.�
�Then start putting some emotion in it. I only did it because I love Zac and I felt it was the right time.�
�Oh bullshit, you were horny.�
�I was not horny!� She gave me a look. �Okay, maybe I was a little horny. It was just Zac and I never do anything! There�s no foreplay, we almost never make out.�
�Maybe he�s gay.�
�I hope not.�
�Well then we both can say we�ve loved a faerie.�
�True.�
�I need a cigarette. Do you smoke those?� she asked, getting up.
�No.�
�Yeah, I shouldn�t. I shouldn�t do anything, but I do it anyway. You know, I never really wanted to start drugs.�
�Could of surprised me.�
�Shut up.� She grabbed a cigarette from the pack on top of her towel, and lit it up.
�That�s the kind Zac smokes.�
�He was the one who got me to start. I�ve never tried any other kind. Does Zac still smoke?�
�Yeah, I asked him a few times to quit but he thinks I�m asking too much. His usual response is �I�m quitting the drugs, don�t ask me to stop this too!� I got him to stop before shows, cause it can really affect his voice.�
�Did you used to smoke?�
�Yeah. I smoked for three or four years. Darling�s never seen me smoke but I did do it when I was with her.�
�So you just quit recently?� I nodded.
�You think those things are so great, wait until you stop and kiss someone who still smokes. Every time I kiss Zac I feel like I�m kissing an ash tray.�
�Pleasant.� She sat down next to me again and exhaled the gray toxins that were also once my world. But, unlike everything else, I had no desire to start this habit again.
�So when are you going to tell me what Zac is upset about?�
�When he and I get married.�
�Oh so never. Thanks.�
�What makes you think we won�t get married? We could break up and meet again five years down the line and get married.�
�Zac? I don�t think that boy will ever get married. He�d get too bored too fast. He�s a lover, after so long he�ll want something new. Someone new. I picture him as one of those guys with thirty children with thirty different girls and he�s not married to any of them. Or I could be completely wrong and he'll end up with Michelle.�
�I can see him as one of those sleazy old men that date women in their twenties who only see money in him.�
�He won�t always have lots of money. Taylor will have it all. He�s the one that�ll be like Frank Sinatra and be famous until he dies as an old man. Cause Taylor can�t live without his spotlight. He love music more than anything.�
�I thought they all did.�
�It�s their passion, yes, but Zac would be just as happy doing something else. Ike actually wants to work a nine to five type of job with just enough money to live a happy life. Taylor lives for the music.�
�I�m gonna see how Zac�s doing,� I suddenly said, getting up.� �I�ll take Taylor off your hands.� We both got up and walked back into the hotel.