Marna Herald
December 17, 2006Page 2
Politics
Republicans Seek New Candidate
The city of Marna are completely stunned after the recent events of future Republican candidate Jacob Kell. It appears that Kell (who was the favorite to win now that Copeland has resigned from office) lost his candidacy after slapping a woman at a strip club after she refused to come home with him after a performance. "Sizzlin' Chocolite" said Kell came in and requested her to follow him to his car. After she refused he yelled at her in a maniacle tone and grabbed her. She jerked away and a back fist knocked the dancer out. Videos were shown of the candidate's actions and he was quickly ousted from the Republican party. When his party blasted him for breaking the rules, he responded "I don't care about the rules! I don't care about the game! This isn't over!" he screamed at the Democrats as he stepped out of their office.
"It is a sad sad thing when men like that think they can get into office! He fooled the lot of us!" said Vernita Green; a local. Many locals were in an uproar after hearing the news. It is rumored that the Republicans are searching like wild animals for a good honest candidate to take the place of Kell as candidate for Mayor of Marna. Anyone out there feel like giving it a shot? Step up!
~Brian Caesar, Marna Herald
Business
Papa Doc's Grand Opening
The City of Marna is extremely excited about the addition of a new Irish Pub by new resident Brendan McNamara which will be having its grand opening on Friday December 22nd. An Irish in birth, McNamara has sworn an oath to the city of Marna to bring some of the finest ales and drinks the city has ever had to offer. "It is a great Irish Pub with REAL Irish drinks as well as your typical domestic beers and liquors," he promised. "It has everything you could ever ask for and some!"
The country is plagued with fake Irish bars and it is about time that a true Irish is coming to put Irish bars back on the map! The city has been in the need for something new and exciting and this pub is an excellent start! Good luck, Brendan!
~Craig Baldoozio, Marna Herald
Angel Investigations Arrives in Marna
Marna is a sick city. It reminds me sometimes of that movie "Sin City." In fact, a lot of the times I feel it should be renamed. If a group of people want to come in and help clean this place up; great. We need all the help we can get. The police department is already under a lot of pressure but with the help of these people; maybe they can help out a little.
"We aren't warriors," explained their leader 'Angel.' "We try to help people in need; and sometimes that means getting our hands dirty." Several of their other members left comments but none were of any importance. I would like to think these guys are going to be of some help but the truth of the matter is we'll probably be writing an article about them being cleaned up in the matter of a week or two. Good luck guys.
~Viggo Anthrax, Marna Herald
Entertainment
American Idol Tryouts
On the 5th through 7th of January, 2007, American Idol will be hitting Marna, Michigan to be searching out for the best talent in the world. Tryouts will last all weekend long and if you have any talent at all at singing, you are highly encouraged to try out for the performance; it could be the opportunity of a lifetime! Simon, Paula and Randy will all be there in attendance to watch each performance in person. All you have to do is have a song down and be ready to perform it before the judges to show what you have. This is a very important moment for Marna for they can use the positive press to help bring people back to Marna. Don't miss the tryouts and your chance to be a star!!!
~Kelly Smith, Marna Herald
Beyonce Tickets Going on Sale!
Beyonce will be performing in Marna at Davis Park on February 3rd. Tickets are expected to sell out for this is one of the biggest shows that has ever come to Marna. Beyonce is going on tour to promote her most recent album "B-DAY." Rumor has it that a special appearance by the rest of Destiny's Child is possible! The pop diva coming to town is a show you do NOT want to miss. Tickets go on sale Saturday morning, December 23rd @ 9 AM at Davis Park.
~Cindy Braytenbaugh, Marna Herald
R.E.M. Tickets Going on Sale!
R.E.M. will be performing in Marna at Davis Park on February 10th. Tickets, like the Beyonce show, are expected to sell out for the greatest rock show to hit Marna since Pearl Jam. R.E.M. is touring for their greatest hits album; or so we think. They have not stated why they are touring except some deep spiritial feeling told them to. Either way, they are coming to Marna and we are lucky as hell. Tickets go on sale Sunday morning, December 24rd at 9 AM at Davis Park.
~Ben McDonald, Marna Herald
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