Los Marna Enquirer
December 17, 2006Page 2
Boat-Sized Shark Eats Surfers Whole!
Off of the coast of California, reports have emerged that a shark the size of a ship has been jumping out and eating large groups of swimmers. A photograph (seen above) was taken of a huge shark swallowing a surfer in one bite! Several teams of marines have gone out looking for this Super Shark; but none of them have returned!
It is suggested that all swimmers stay out of the waters unless you are ready to wrestle the Super Shark. The reward for his head must be in the millions! Good luck.
~Brian Trinsey, Los Marna Enquirer
Citizen Fends of Mugger With a Lightsaber!!
Just last weekend, a genius teenager by the name of Lisa Ambrowitz created her own lightsaber. She was wearing it on her waist when she was returning home from taking her finals at Marna University. She was walking back to her car when a man tried to attack her with a tire iron. She pulled her lightsaber off of her belt and ignited it. The mugger took a swing at her but she cut his tire iron in half with her lightsaber. The mugger then fled the scene.
"That was so awesome! It felt so cool!" cried Lisa to our local reporter, Jenna Johnson. "I didn't ever think I was ACTUALLY going to use it! But maybe that'll make a mugger think twice about attacking me in the future!" she cried.
Yeah, or maybe someone will just shoot her and take it from her. Assuming the thing even exists.
~Dan Leone, Los Marna Enquirer
1,000,000 Year Old Man Found Alive in Tomb!
Three days ago a 1,000,000 year old man speaking wild languages was removed from a tomb that was being flown to the University of Marna for research! The tomb was discovered in Scotland by a German archeologist by the name of Heinrich Von Hersher. He is an eccentric German with quite a repute. We have failed to gain an interview with the doctor, but rumor has it he has been working with the caveman who is being kept at Orodrim Regional Hospital.
Reports state that the man was in a coma when he was released but he's been spitting out old unspoken languages that nobody seems to recognize. Nobody knows where this man came from but it is rumored he may have fought dinosaurs! He may be Adam himself!!!
~Thomas Foolary, Los Marna Enquirer
That's the news for this week! Come back next week for more exciting news!
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