New Gwailand Herald
December 8 through December 14Main Page
Copeland Passes Educational Bill
The bill will give higher funding to schools which will make it cheaper (for our already high income city) to go to school; yet our honest American workers won't have the funding to put food on their poor children's plate. Seems like it is time for a change.
-Martin Zunikchikquyu, New Gwailand Herald
Local
Movie Star Moves to New Gwailand
Famous Action movie star, Jet Li, has made an official statement claiming he is moving to the city of New Gwailand. "My family and I are looking for a nice quiet change," he said recently when asked about it. Jet Li has been in such famous movies such as "Fist of Legend," "Romeo Must Die," and most recently "Cradle to the Grave." He has an upcoming video game known "Rise to Honor" which will be hitting stores on February 17th. Lets give an 'ol New Gwailand welcome to Mister Li and his family!
-Boris Stevens, New Gwailand Herald
Crime Expected to Decrease
Despite lack of funding from local mayor, Miles Copeland, police officials have stated that they will start working extra hard to deal with local crime in the city. The city has reported 4 murders in the last month as well as an increased an increase in teenage drug use. "We're gonna cut down on the scum in the city," quoted Chief of Police, Bob Cracket. Cracket also stated that they would be policing school dormatories as well to ensure that kids were not underage drinking. "The crime's gotta stop! And I mean it!" Cracket said in an emotional speech in front of the city last week. Good luck.
-Sarah Newheardt, New Gwailand Herald
Local Cry for Entertainment Answered
It has been seven years. Seven years since the biggest performance in New Gwailand came to Davis Park. ... Collective Soul. The locals are sick and tired and for the most part, bored. The recent crime rates, if anything, have been blamed on the boredom of the locals. Well, the answer has been called! Major performances have been arranged and some terrific shows are scheduled to come to the city of New Gwailand. In February both R.E.M. and Britney Spears are scheduled for shows at Davis Park. Both shows are expected to sell out. "I'm lookin' forward to comin' to Michigan, I don't think I've ever been there before," said an enthused Britney Spears. "Kinda feel sorry for that place," she said. "I hope to bring some life to it!" Spears and R.E.M. are just two of the first major shows expected to be brought to the local area. Many more smaller shows have been scheduled to hit the city as well in the upcoming weeks.
-Bill String, New Gwailand Herald
Gopher Attacks Scare Locals
A local woman was nearly mauled to death after attempting to kiss a local gopher in her backyard last week. Nancy Houston saw "a cuddly little furball" going through her backyard. "It stuck its head out of the ground ... it looked so cute, I didn't know they were vicious!" she cried. She went down to give it some food which it ate promptly. "It made some cute noises after I fed it, so I went to give it a kiss to let it know it was welcome in my yard," she said. "And then it smiled and then bit me!" The gopher proceeded to maul at Houston's face and neck. Houston had to receive several stiches in her face, arm, neck and side after being attacked by the small vermin. Two more reports of similar attacks were registered by locals with similar stories. Makes you understand why Copeland is giving more money to education.
-Eric Donughu, New Gwailand Herald
Sports
New Gwailand Pikes sign former All-Star Canseco
After a disappointing year with little to no run production, the New Gwailand Pikes have signed former All-Star and AL MVP to a 2-year Major League contract. Canseco last saw Major League action back in 2001 with the Chicago White Sox. "After no run support and setting all-time records for least amount of runs, the least we can do is give Canseco a few bucks to come knock some balls out of the park. The attendance has been quite low as well and it is expected that Canseco's appearance may draw some attention; especially if he plays well. Canseco is just 38 Home Runs shy of the 500 home run mark and excited to go after the number. He has given his word that he will do all that he can to encourage the Hall of Fame to let him enter under a Nails hat if he makes it. "Our team just isn't worth a $(#&!" shouted current major Butch Mattingly, "We are lucky to even compete with Triple A ball clubs! Signing Canseco is the first sign we are confident we are going to compete again! Finishing 13 games behind the Tampa Bay Devil Rays last season won't happen again, mark my words! Canseco is going to be the beginning of a new era!" the couch exclaimed.
-Michael Christian, New Gwailand Herald
Coach Arrested after Univ. of Sunnydale Loses
The University of Sunnydale men's basketball team lost an upsetting game to Big East rival Virginia Tech last weekend. "What kind of God @(@$ ^&@# is this!?!?!" shouted coach Quincy Baton. "Virginia Tech has got to be the worst God #(@$ team I've ever seen in my entire God $(^% life!!!! How did they beat us!?!?!?" the shouted the coach as his face turned a maniacally red color. He then proceeded to kick in the window to his office after ripping off his tie and striking one of the journalist. Sources say that journalist Betsy Ross will be pressing charges against Baton; Baton's officials had no comment at press time. The University of Sunnydale fell from the top 25 for the first time this year.
-Keegan Jones, New Gwailand Herald
Education
Spring sign ups at University of Sunnydale Start Monday
University of Sunnydale are starting their Spring Class signups on Monday, December 15th at 8 AM. There is expected to be a great line as an abundance of new classes and professors have made their way to the university. With the increased education bill, teachers will receive an increase in payment and the commitment from their part is expected to rise. It is going to be an exciting semester at University of Sunnydale.
~Bill Train, New Gwailand Herald
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