New Gwailand Herald
December 8 through December 14Page 2
Politics
Copeland up for Re-election
Mayor Miles Copeland is up for re-election. His opponent at this time still is unknown but there is a very serious question on whether or not the mayor will be re-elected come election time in April. However without a suitable opponent it is expected he will be. Recently Copeland passed an educational bill which has the city in a frenzy over. The city is split on the decision; some being quite radical about their opposition. Copeland is expected to have speeches all throughout the city over the next few months including a few speeches at the University of Sunnydale to impress upon our youth and the education system which he hopes will provide him with all the votes he is going to lose from the police department, fire departments, health care centers as well as the people who use the streets for driving (yes, everyone!). All Copeland needs as a half decent opponent and we can get the S.O.B. outta there!
~Terence Coventry, New Gwailand Herald
Democrates Seek New Candidate
The city of New Gwailand are completely stunned after the recent events of Democratic candidate Jacob Kell. It appears that Kell (who was the favorite to win) lost his candidacy after slapping a woman at a strip club after she refused to come home with him after a performance. "Sizzlin' Chocolite" said Kell came in and requested her to follow him to his car. After she refused he yelled at her in a maniacle tone and grabbed her. She jerked away and a back fist knocked the dancer out. Videos were shown of the candidate's actions and he was quickly ousted from the Democratic party. "It's not over!" he said to the Democrats as he stepped out of their office.
"It is a sad sad thing when men like that think they can get into office! He fooled the lot of us!" said Vernita Green; a local. Many locals were in an uproar after hearing the news. It is rumored that the Democrats are searching like wild animals for a good honest candidate to take the place of Kell as candidate for Mayor of New Gwailand. Anyone out there feel like giving it a shot? Step up!
~Brian Caesar, New Gwailand Herald
Business
Papa Doc's Grand Opening
The City of New Gwailand is extremely excited about the addition of a new Irish Pub by new resident Brendan McNamara which will be having its grand opening on Friday December 19th. An Irish in birth, McNamara has sworn an oath to the city of New Gwailand to bring some of the finest ales and drinks the city has ever had to offer. "It is a great Irish Pub with REAL Irish drinks as well as your typical domestic beers and liquors," he promised. "It has everything you could ever ask for and some!"
The country is plagued with fake Irish bars and it is about time that a true Irish is coming to put Irish bars back on the map! The city has been in the need for something new and exciting and this pub is an excellent start! Good luck, Brendan!
~Craig Baldoozio, New Gwailand Herald
Angel Investigations Finds New Rival
For three years now, the City of New Gwailand, Michigan has had a quite successful investigation company known as "Angel Investigations." The company is a group of private investigators who help locals with just about any kind of problems they have, as unusual as they can be. They have received high praise from the locals for some time.
Recently another rival private investigator has come into the city known as "Griffin Ford Investigations." When asked about the new comment, Angel Investigators' owner, Angel, said "It is a good thing. We are here to help people; and the more people we have out there helping people the better."
Griffin Ford, the owner of his interprise claims he did not come to the city under the purpose of competing with Angel Investigations, "I just choose to move here. I'm a private investigator; its what I do. I have no intentions of trying to run Angel Investigations out of business. I'm just an honest man trying to make a living." Little is known about Ford except that he is rumored to already be worth nearly $200,000,000 so the notion of this "Being all about money" is considered unlikely. Good luck! Go help someone.
~Viggo Anthrax, New Gwailand Herald
Entertainment
American Idol Tryouts
On the 9th through 11th of January, 2004, American Idol will be hitting New Gwailand, Michigan to be searching out for the best talent in the world. Tryouts will last all weekend long and if you have any talent at all at singing, you are highly encouraged to try out for the performance; it could be the opportunity of a lifetime! Simon, Paula and Randy will all be there in attendance to watch each performance in person. All you have to do is have a song down and be ready to perform it before the judges to show what you have. This is a very important moment for New Gwailand for it has never had a native go celebrity, so it is your chance to put New Gwailand on the map and become a star! Don't miss the tryouts!!
~Kelly Smith, New Gwailand Herald
Britney Spears Tickets Going on Sale!
Britney Spears will be performing in New Gwailand at Davis Park on February 6th. Tickets are expected to sell out for this is the biggest show that has ever come to New Gwailand. Britney Spears is going on tour to promote her most recent album "In The Zone." Rumor has it that a special appearance by MaDonna is possible! The pop diva coming to town is a show you do NOT want to miss. Tickets go on sale Saturday morning, December 20th at 9 AM at Davis Park.
~Cindy Braytenbaugh, New Gwailand Herald
R.E.M. Tickets Going on Sale!
R.E.M. will be performing in New Gwailand at Davis Park on February 13th. Tickets, like the Britney show, are expected to sell out for the greatest rock show to hit New Gwailand since Collective Soul. R.E.M. is touring for their greatest hits album; or so we think. They have not stated why they are touring except some deep spiritial feeling told them to. Either way, they are coming to New Gwailand we are lucky as hell. Tickets go on sale Saturday morning, December 20th at 10 AM at Davis Park.
~Ben McDonald, New Gwailand Herald
That’s the news for this week, tune in next week to see what else happens in this boring city!
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