by Melody Bowen
Candles and Darkness
To me, the quote means -- to put it bluntly -- "Hey, you, why don't you stop your whining and just take some action!". As I hoofed it down 2nd Street, I realized that I'm a firm believer in exactly that (despite a tendency to sometimes procrastinate), and that I've been trying, trying, trying to do that. I've been taking steps to make my life better. I just couldn't do any more complaining (aloud, in writing, or in my mind) about things that make me unhappy but that are within my power to change. I took some action. A lot of action.
[OK, let me just state for the record that, despite the fact that I've taken lots of action in lots of areas of my life, I have procrastinated *terribly* in writing in down. I just kept putting it off because some of it was just so -- well -- *sad*, and I just couldn't face putting it into print. But I'm doing it now -- at long last -- and I'm thinking if I can just get over the hump and get these words down, then maybe I can once again devote my time and energy to writing in this diary on a regular basis. OK, enough about that. I digress...]
First of all, as many of my friends are already aware, the engagement is off. I don't want to air too much dirty laundry here, so I'll keep this part simple. I knew -- I just *knew* -- that things weren't working out. Ned is a wonderful, wonderful person, and I care about him very, very deeply, but we just can't be together. That fact came into focus only a few short weeks ago, and our relationship came to an end. He'll always be important to me, and I hope that he'll always be part of my life (truly -- even though he may be upset with me for quite a while). I want nothing but the best for him, nothing short of all of his dreams and then some fulfilled, even though I'm not a part of that equation. It's hard to write this -- really hard -- because I can't write enough about how fantastic I think he is and how much I cherish the closeness I shared (and hope to still share) with him, and I also can't accurately convey all the reasons I know we can't make it as a couple. All I can say is "I know." I just know we weren't right, and marriage would have been a mistake. And, frankly, in the words of the oh-so-wise Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."
[Whew. I've been dreading that paragraph like a bad bout of amoebic dysentery for weeks now. I'm glad it's finally written.]
Anyway,there have been lots of changes in my little life lately. A few weeks ago, I enrolled in my first college class since I was 29 years old. I'm taking a little biology class two nights a week, and I've got to say that it's interesting. The whole situation is interesting, in fact. The class is sometimes fun, sometimes dull as a dial tone, but what's interesting is that I am officially taking a college course with a bunch of kids who are *truly* young enough to be my kids. I am honest-to-Jimmy fully *twice* the age of most of my classmates (yikes), and creeping up on thirty-effing-five in just over three weeks. Gah! Gah! Gah!
And some other changes: Well, after the break-up, I guess I just felt that if I was going to change such a major part of my life so drastically, I might as well buck up and make the other changes I knew I needed to make. Just do it all at one time, really shake things up, and throw the proverbial monkey wrench and hit it right between the eyes.
So... first, I quit smoking. (Please, for the love of my snakeskin stilettos and all new shoes great and small, don't say, "Again?" If *one more person* says "again?" about my quitting smoking, I swear I'm going to impale him or her with a cigarette lighter and a pack o' Luckies. I mean it!) I haven't smoked in six days, and I'm doing great. I know that the key to my success this time is not to give myself permission to have "just one". It's always the "just one" that gets me started again.
I also started dieting and exercising. I'm doing this program called the "Self Challenge" that's promoted by (obviously) "Self" magazine (more details later). Basically, I'm eating about 1,200 calories a day and working out like Ahhnold (pre-Governator) until I'm on the brink of collapse. [Oy... I'm doing yoga every morning at home and butt clenches in the car and thigh squeezes at my desk, for goodness sakes. I just know that a sexual harassment charge is a mere few days away once the company mailboy spies me doing those things...] The good news: I don't feel like I'm starving all the time, I have tons of energy, and I seem to have lost several -- yes, several -- pounds in the last week or so.
So, changes all around in my life these days. I'm suddenly back in school, *not* engaged, dieting, exercising, and most incredibly: *not* smoking. Bizarre, huh? More later on all of this, but for now it's time to go to bed and rest my bootie for a while (before the clenching resumes tomorrow).