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| The Seven Chairs aka the Nun and the Magic Chairs Once upon a time, there was a nun who owned seven chairs. She was getting tired of her chairs, so she sent them to her seven grandchildren around the world. How did the nun have grandchildren? It was the magic of the chairs. She mailed six of them by FedEx, but she used the fifth one to fly to her grandson, Herbie. The fifth one ended up in France. Herbie was waiting in the Buddhist temple with his friend , Timmy. Timmy and Herbie were Siamese twins joined at the ankles. Herbie was surprised to see his grandma floating in a chair 30 feet above the ground. She never visited without calling first. This was very suspicious. �Hello Mother Korenstra. Herbie was just telling me about your adventures as an African Safari tour guide.� �Oh yes Timmy. Those were the days. Before I had my magic chairs. How is my grandson Herbie doing?� Herbie was worried that Timmy liked his grandma. He always acted weird around her. �I�m fine. But what�s going on between you two?� Mother Korenstra looked nervously around and began explaining the truth. �Herbie, you and Timmy aren�t just friends. You are brothers. And you�re both my grandsons. We never separated you two because you shared a special bond.� Herbie began understanding �Oh, that explains why Timmy gets a present from you at Christmas. Wow, I almost forgot that today�s my birthday! Let�s both open presents and eat ice cream.� They all laughed until their sides hurt and played pin the tail on the donkey. The End Herman Gets a Part-Time Job as a Clown at the Circus (read the other Herman story first) Herman was having a good time livin� it up in his mansion, but all his friends had a nemesis. All Herman had was wads of money to do whatever he wanted with. So I guess they�re right about money not making people happy�nah, I�m just kidding. But Herman did want a nemesis, so he started searching Chinatown for the most lowdown � monkey, � alien-hater in the entire universe. He didn�t find anyone like that, but he did find a nice Chinese restaurant called Captain Bob�s Chinese Deli. Not very authentic, but it did have fortune cookies. Herman ordered one fortune cookie to go and paid the 5 cent bill. He opened it up and read it, �Get a part-time job as a clown at a circus.� He devoured both the cookie and the fortune, then went in search of a circus. They weren�t in need of any clowns so he decided he�d become a carnee instead. �Does this look like a carnival?� asked the ringmaster. �Yeah, kinda.� �Shut up! There is an opening for the man-eating monkey act, so take it or leave it!� Herman wasn�t a real big human eater, but he gave it a try. It took him nearly a week before he could eat an entire human at one sitting. Herman�s act would draw thousands on the weekdays. One day, the crowd was especially large because of the Mediocre Depression. �I�ll need a human volunteer for my next act. You sir. You look plump and juicy. What�s your name?� �Chris Williams.� �Excellent. Come down here and sit on that giant plate with the other contestants.� �No way Jos�. I know what you�re up to. You just want to eat me to the enjoyment of all these viewers.� �Oh great. First of all, The name is Herman, not Jos�. And nextly, I will eat you.� Herman ran up into the crowd and took a huge bite out of Chris� head. It was delicious, until he noticed it was a decoy tuna fish. Very sneaky Chris. The End? |
| Halloweenie Scary Day was only 2 nights away and Timmy was so excited. His mom had made him the coolest costume ever: Harry Potter. He�d be able to cast the �generous spell� on unsuspecting kids who had too much candy. Not that Timmy needed any more candy. He worked in a candy shop where he got free candy and 13 cavities within a year, but it was the principle of the matter. In two nights all the poor shmucks who dressed up as Pikachu, Timmy Man or a rump roast would all be candiless. This would be Timmy�s most diabolical plan ever. Even more so then the time he ate all that cheese to break a record or something. Actually, that wasn�t diabolical. That was just stupid. He was in the bathroom for like a week. Well two days later, Harry was out on the neighborhood, hustling kids for candy. Nobody fell for his wizardry, but he did find a half eaten Tootsie Roll in the mud. He had beaten the system!!! So he went to his evil Aunt Hurburt�s haunted mansion to spy on her. She was lying on the floor in a puddle of you-know0what with an axe in her back. Timmy ran inside to check her pockets for loose change, but the corpse got up and was about to give him a bear hug. �April Fools. I got you pretty good, huh?� Timmy was shocked and his pants were soaking wet. �So that�s just a fake axe?� he asked. �Oh no. I was just kidding about hugging you. You little whippersnapper.� Timmy Dies in a Hot Air Balloon Accident One day in the land of Friendliville, there was a tornado that was threatening to ripe the Cabeza house from the ground. So Timmy went down to his secret underground lair to put on his super hero costume. Timmy Man was felling pretty good. His mom had just taken his costume out of the dryer so it was nice and warm. Well anyway, he went outside and flew around that twister to get it good and dizzy, and then Timmy Man kicked it in the gut. He didn�t actually stop the tornado from destroying his house, but attempting to beat up a tornado is a great experience. So the next day at school Timmy bragged about his cool tornado fight. That�s when he blew his cover. Everyone in Friendliville got out their shotguns to kill the jerk responsible for the recent alien abductions, flash floods, killer moth infestation and pretty much every disaster that is normally found in the city of a super hero. Timmy had been shot twice before and he knew that he didn�t� want to stick around for that experience again, so Timmy met up with Melvin. Melvin caused a lot of trouble, but he was the only one capable of getting him out of Friendliville, so they had some teat and talked about a really good plan that involved a GigaPet and a talking fish. It would have worked too, but the angry mob smashed down Mervin�s door and scooped out his eyeballs with a spoon. EW!!! Timmy jumped into an experimental hot air balloon and spent the next 5 weeks in the balloon until it ran out of fuel 1500 feet above a pack of killer gorillas. (now I�m getting to the good part�the reason you read this story) His fueless balloon wasn�t quite out of fuel because an engine sparked and caught the remaining fuel ablaze. So the fireball of death hit the ground and all that remained was eaten by the gorillas�except for Timmy that is. The gorilla welcomed back their prodigal son and they lived happily ever after in the zoo. FOREVER! Spanky and His Three Other Ninja Pig Friends Sometime in the near future, there was a peaceful pig named Spanky. He pretended to die of old age but once buried, he broke free of the ground to wreck some havoc among mankind. Once all humans were either destroyed or eating slop from their human pens, Spanky became a peaceful monk. He ate baked beans and shaved his pink hairy back like all peaceful monks before him. One day he decided it was time to get back to his butt-kicking ways, so he developed a force of pigs that could stand up to anything. Midgets, lunch ladies, and opossums disguised as little boys were all powerless against Spanky�s gang. There was Milo (the smart scientist pig), former president Mervin and Stan (some freaky pig with a mullet). The Spanky Bunch decided they�d make a little money the old fashion way: bank robbing. So Milo made some explosives for the vault, while Mervin and Stan distracted the public. Spanky was very upset with those stupid morons, so he called the cops and got them arrested. Milo was telling the cops that it was all Spanky�s idea, so Spanky panicked. He stole a cop car, took a gingerbread woman hostage and jumped the Grand Canyon in a blaze of glory. Then he got pulled over for doing 32 in a 30. Sucker. Timmy Makes an Imaginary Friend One summer afternoon, Timmy was pearl diving in the middle of a shark feeding frenzy. He swam away with a few minor injuries including 3 missing limbs. That�s when he saw it deep inside a coral reef: a mermaid stuck in the plastic that holds a 6-pack of together. �Be free Ariel,� said Timmy. �Hello Timmy. Now we have to be best friends forever, and here�s a necklace to commemorate. See yours says �friends� and mine says �best.�� Timmy was flabbergasted. �Neat-O. I�ve never gotten a necklace from a fish girl before. But how come you get the one that says �best?�� So they went and played tea party in the mer-palace and went fishing and everything was perfect. That is until Timmy mentioned the fact that he was drinking a 6-pack of Drink Soda and threw the plastic into the sea right before peal diving. Timmy did the mature thing and ended their relationship (mainly because she called him a �meanie head�). Timmy went up for air and felt a huge void in his life. That�s when he decided to create an imaginary friend. His name was Cornelius. 2� 3�, Irish background, and a disfigured face with blue facial hair. He was the coolest imaginary friend ever created. And uh, he was really cool too. First on the agenda: destroy Gothom City. But apparently Cornelius didn�t stand a chance against Batman or Robin. He didn�t even get that far. He got the invisible stuffing ripped out of him by Pigeonman and Hummingbird. Stupid utility suspenders. Well, so began a short friendship between an invisible midget and an opossum. |
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