| Herman the � Alien, � Monkey Herman was the product of some bad choices between a visitor from another planet and a sweater monkey. He grew up in a small African village without ever playing a videogame. �Please go to the U.S. and get us some of these �video games,� and bring them back. After your pilgrimage, we�ll eat you because you accomplished your life goal.� This sounded good to Herman so he took the trip bundled up in some illegal drugs. Although a bit high, he made his way to the nearest video game store. Herman couldn�t speak English, so he decided he�d communicate the old fashion way: speaking English. Herman went to school to take an English class. After three years of cramming for tests, he passed his first class. He still couldn�t speak English, but he could diagram a sentence faster than any other � alien, � monkey. His teacher, Mr. Pudge, thought it was time for him to learn to speak the language. This took five more years. Herman, nearly forgetting his purpose, headed back to the very video game store he had visited 8 years ago. �Me get wants for the video games.� The hippy behind the counter gave him a queer look. �Dude, don�t do drugs. But, if you�re looking for Ed of Ed�s Videogame Store of Video Games, you just missed him. He sold me his store 19 years ago (think time travel). Then I turned it into a bar.� Herman sat down to have a glass of beer, but what he didn�t know was that it was �doctored up� with more beer. Herman had about 15 glasses before the cops arrested him for indecent exposure. That�s right, Herman wasn�t wearing any clothes. After five years in jail with a nerdy cellmate from the Outback, Herman got out on good behavior. He was getting really sick of trying to get a videogame, so he did what any Canadian would do. No, he didn�t become a lumberjack, eat Canadian bacon, start ice-skating, get into the Olympics, and get second to those dirty Russians. Nope, he quit. He thought his life was rather boring and the chicks on the beach were always checkin� him out, so he learned to surf. Unlike everything else in his life, he spent very little time learning how to surf. Sure he spent most of his time underneath the surfboard choking on salt water, but boy could he draw a crowd. A week later, he was living in a mansion, sipping champagne and rubbing his flea-infested elbows with the rich and famous. Herman sent his village a package that he had been waiting his entire life to send. The villagers opened up the packages that were filled with old Atari�s. They didn�t speak English, so they couldn�t read the letter that Herman sent them. Dear chicken smellers, I am haveing fun in the American. I sent you thiese useles contrapsions that me buyed at Good Will. Payback you midgets. Best Regards, Herman The village died two months later of Atari-itis. Timmy Becomes a Newsie Timmy�s first day of school was a week away and he needed school supplies. �Mommy I need some money for supplies,� Timmy said. �Shut up you little puke. We spent all our money on lottery tickets. So you have two choices: you can either buy your own or steal some.� Timmy of course knew that stealing was wrong, but it�s also a lot easier. Timmy came out of Target with his pockets loaded with the goods. It was his lucky day though. Eighteen rare Mongolean pinecones in mint condition were in the laying in the park. So he hid the school supplies in a dry sewage pipe, but when he came back for them, the supplies were all gone. The sewage pipe was wet, and Timmy was about to investigate but was sidetracked by yet another pinecone. Timmy decided he�d sell some paps for a nickel a piece. The first day he lost $85 since a paper costs a dollar. Timmy upped the price to $8 a pap to make up for the loss, but ended up only making 25 cents for selling his corn dog lunch to Eddie the smelly man. Timmy learned a valuable lesson that day. He needed to make up a great headline like �Bat Boy Joins the Army.� He decided he�d spend the entire day thinking up great headlines, but ended up playing 16 hours of Nintindo�s Smeario Bros. The next morning he had a big problem. Actually two. He really had to go pee. He decided to go with a headline that was spelled out in his Alpha-Bits, but his evil twin must have eaten all the letters besides the o�s again. Darn Jimmy. Oddly enough, �OOOOOOOOO� sold like crazy that day. Mainly because of the free McDonald�s game pieces that came with each newspaper. He made $30 plus another 25 cents for selling another corn dog. He knew he needed to make some dough real quick, so he stayed up till six to watch the news for any new scams. As he drifted off to Midget Dream Land, he heard about a crazy e-mail virus that was going around called the �I Love Poo Virus.� The next day Timmy started working on the Harry Potter virus. When loaded it would turn all icons into midget clowns riding broomsticks. He wasn't sure how it would make him money, but he'd worry 'bout that later. Timmy sent his beautiful virus to everyone on his buddy list. Unfortunately, this only included Timmy�s email. When his parents saw all them freaky midget wizards on the computer, they sold his Pez collection to pay for a new computer. Darn economy. Since there was only one day until school started, he decided to make some school supplies out of toilet paper and Popsicle sticks. On the first day of school Timmy was having a great time. He chose to sit next to his sweetheart, Mary Hoppins. She looked over at Timmy and said in a beautiful voice, �Could I borrow a sheet of toilet paper to write on.� Timmy was madly in love with her, so he did what any kid who has Pez -organs would do. Timmy replied, �You�re a weasel midget,� as he ran home to play more Super Smeario Bros. The Day I Caught Harry Potter I just got home from a horrible place where midgets are learned by monkey giants. Some call it school, but I like to call it�well, school I guess. I jumped onto the sofa, turned on the Simpsons and started eating Cafine-O�s, my favorite cereal. The cat was scratching at my ankles trying to get at the rat poison I dropped periodically for my own demented enjoyment. I reached down to whack the cat, but to my freakin� amazement, it wasn�t the cat. It was a miniature wizard that I had seen millions of times on bookshelves, news headlines, movie trailers, in video games, and in the underwear sections of Goodwill. Yes, it was that freaky Harry Potter that kids would swallow an entire tube of toothpaste just for a movie ticket to his newest movie. Sure, I�d eat a tube of toothpaste for a dollar, but that�s completely different. I looked into his evil little eyes as he said, �I�m Harry Potter, the bloody British bloke.� �I know who you are. I just wanna know why you�re under my couch. And why are you only a foot tall?� �Well, I�m here to put you in the wizard spirit. And I�ve always been this small, it�s just that they change the camera angle to make me look taller and more wizard-like.� �Right�.um, well anyway, do I get any wishes from this very creepy experience?� �It�s worth a shot,� replied the little mutant. �I wish that you were never born and that you never went to that Fishwarts School of Midgets or whatever.� It worked. He was gone before I was finished with my wish. I turned on the TV to get the latest scope on upcoming movies. Rocky XXVIII, James Bond: To Kill a Mockingbird, and���Mary Potter and the Sorcerer�s Stone. �What the�?� I reached under the couch to pull out yet another freaky, wizard midget. �Hello, I�m Mary Potter. I�m Harry�s identical twin sister.� Well, she was kinda cute for a deformed wizard midget with a lightning bolt birthmark on her forehead. We got married a week later. We were the perfect couple and we lived happily ever after in a mobile home in Mississippi. THE FREAKIN� END Chrisocchio One day Pinocchio got sick of his master Gipeto so he ran away to Hollywood to become an actor. Well eventually he became a traveling salesman. Eventually he went into a state of depression and cried girly tears. �All I want is a friend,� he said. Squirmany Wormany (his evil guardian bug) heard him and granted his wish. Squirmany Wormany used some magic on a figurine that Pinocchio had carved out of Swiss cheese. It turned into a sort of messed up girl named Chrisocchio. �I�m a boy,� said Chrisocchio. Yeah, sure you are. Well anyway, Pinocchio and Chrisocchio became good friends, although Pinocchio hated the stench of Swiss cheese. Chrisocchio was always was always wishing on stars that she�d become a real girl, but everyone knows Swiss cheese puppets don�t have fairies that grant wishes. Squirmany Wormany was getting sick of all this wishing going on, so he turned Chrissochio into a rotten stump. �Am I a real girl now?� Pinocchio and Squirmany just smiled and nodded. Chrisocchio latter became the center of a childish game called Kick the Stump. THE END Timmy�s 1st Plane Ride It was an exciting day in the Cabeza house. They were going to fly to Iowa for the 11th annual Cheese Convention. The only place in the world where cheese lovers from everywhere can unite and tell cheesy jokes and stories. Everyone would dress up as their favorite cheese. Well, Timmy Cabeza wasn�t nearly as excited as the rest of his family. He�d seen the movies. Air Force One, Planes of Death 1, 2, and 3, and Barney�s Great Adventure. No way was he going to take a plane to Iowa in one of those evil machines. He told his parents how he felt. They just laughed and shot him with a tranquilizer riffle. Timmy awoke on a bus 32,000 feet above South Dakota. He ran around stealing passengers' peanuts and yelling various weapons at random, like dynamite or machine gun. Five minutes latter when he was laying in the aisle, too stuffed with peanuts to move, he finally realized he wasn�t on a bus (which explained the peanuts, and seatbelts, and the thing on the wing. He started to yell and scream and make sickening noises. �Someone shut that stupid kid up,� yelled his father. The stewardess picked Timmy up and threw him out the window while kindly saying, �Bye bye for you.� He fell somewhere in Hawaii. �I must find my family,� Timmy vowed. Well if you saw Castaway, you know how the rest of the story goes. He met a volleyball named Wilson, built a raft, and died at sea. The Day I Caught the Budweiser Frogs PG for nudity I had just finished my final Hopscotch Anonymous meeting so I went for a walk in the Haunted Swamp of Death. There was a rotting monkey carcass, a colony of drunken Smurfs, an evil clown ghost named Spanky, and a group of frogs. The frogs were wizard cool because they were jumping from lillypad to lillypad. The hopping was so enchanting. It reminded me of the good old days when I�d hopscotch like a little schoolgirl. I loved it the way it gave me power. So I took off my clothes and hopped in with the frogs. We were hopping around like crazy squirrels with peppermint patties stuck up their noses. The addiction was back�.and I loved it. Everyday after school I would go to the swamp all-alone and hop. The frogs would all recite lines from beer commercials. I wanted to join in with them, so I frog napped the fattest frog and put him in a small cage. I flushed the cage down my toilet and laughed an evil laugh. The frogs need me as their newest member. One day, my little brother Weiser, the most annoying jerk in the world, saw us hopping around and chanting. He must have thought I was in a colt or something, so the two frogs I caught him and got rid of him at my old mental institute. Two days later, I was going potty when the toilet overflowed and that fat frog got away. The frogs never let me hop with them ever again. Today we had fun with the subject of hopping, but many people are addicted to hopping and are too afraid to admit it. So if you think one of your friends has a hopping problem turn them in by calling 1-800-IHOP. |
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