The Diary Of A Zodiac Servant
- Written by
DarkZelgadis
Recently, I have unearthed an ancient tome filled with tons of useful information. This book contained the actual diary of a Zodiac servant. For everyone who doesn't major in Astrology like myself, let me explain. Millennia ago the Zodiac signs ruled the entire universe. The twelve signs exchanged leadership of the universe in increments that we can not comprehend. Anyway, the first ruler of the universe was Scorpio. The only thing Scorpio did that was significant during his rule was filling the universe with scorpions. His rule was short lived, and then Lady Sagittarius became queen. Sagittarius did many significant things during her rule. She destroyed most of the scorpions left over using bloody fatalities that involved graphic images not fit for television or children. She also killed things with a bow and arrow which was kind of cool and noteworthy. Anyway, Sagittarius gave her throne up to Lord Capricorn. Capricorn didn't really do anything interesting besides eating everything. The end of Capricorn's reign brought about the dreaded Age of Aquarius. King Aquarius was a malevolent king who ruled the universe with a watery fist. Aquarius had a plan to overthrow the rest of the Zodiac signs so that he could be the only one to be king. This tome I unearthed is from the Aquarian period, and I believe it was written by a Zodiac servant. Without further ado, I present this informative diary to you all. Enjoy, and I hope you learn something.
Friday, Aquarian Day 6, Dawn Of Time
Oh man, what an awful day! King Aquarius made me change his water five times today! I'm so sick of that bastard telling me what to do like he was some sort of king or something! Man, I'll be hella happy when Lord Pisces takes over. I only have to wait ten more days! Pisces is so much cooler than that stupid Aquarian bastard. Like this one time I saw him at a book signing and he totally winked at me. I was so happy that I wet myself! That was one of the best days of my life! Sigh, Lord Pisces is so
dreaaaaaaaaaamy. I'm going to marry him one day!
Monday, Aquarian Day 9, Dawn Of Time
Today was one of the coolest days of my entire life! Even work was super awesome! Today Lord Aquarius worked me to the bone, which is cool because usually he works me within an inch of my life. So I'm glad for that, you know because I'm not near death as I type this for once. Also, when I was at McAries guess who I saw? That's right, the one and only Chinese zodiac rapper Roosterz.
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| An early picture of Roosterz |
When I saw him and his posse of giant ninja chickens I started hyperventilating and I fainted. Anyway, the coolest part is when I woke up in the dumpster Roosterz asked if I was all right. I met Roosterz and he asked me if I was all right! I'll never wash my ears again. (Seriously.) Also Roosterz was nice enough to give me a small piece of his bling. It was a giant golden feather that said "Zo Tiac Clan Represent" on it. So yeah, I'm selling it on eBay because it's seriously worth a lot of mad money yo. Oh yeah, I think Lord Pisces looked at me today too. So like the insane sociopath I am, I'll mark the event on a calendar and pretend we're dating. I mean, that's the only rational thing to do. I mean really, he totally gave me the "yeah I'm totally into you girl and we're so dating" look. It was in Cosmo so it must be true.
Oh also, there was a piece of gold in my Warring Ram burger. This is like the third time that happened today! I should probably sue them because of that.
Tuesday, Aquarian Day 10, Dawn Of Time
OhmigawdIthinksomeonebrokemyspacebar! Oh wait, no...it's okay. Anyway, today was the most awesomely awesome day of awesome awesomeness.
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| The brilliant artist Francis C. Algae |
Okay, so I was listening to WZDC today and the DJ was all "The sixteenth caller in the fifty ninth minute of the tenth hour will win two tickets to go see the amazing band Blowfly after they answer twenty challenging questions about algae!" and I was all like OHMIGAWD I <3 BLOWFISH I MEAN BLOWFLY LAFFO!
(As a sidenote, you pronounce <3 as "sandwich") Anyway, I called the station up and I totally called at the right time! It's also good that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of algae since my last crush was on Francis C. Algae, a famous artist who also happened to be algae. So yeah, I got the tickets to Blowfly and I'm gonna to bring my friend Vibby. (Vibby is the nickname I gave to the vibrator who I pretend is Lord Pisces, teehee.)
Editor's Note: This ancient journal continues on such boring issues as the author's favorite way to obsess over people who are better than her, a crazy scheme to conquer the world that would never work, complaining about how Aquarius is a "big poop face," complaining about how her parents are mean, complaining about complaining, entries about attempting to kill herself, entries about having intercourse with a cow, and of course an entry complaining about how cow-human relationships are misunderstood by society. The following entry is the last entry that was found, and it is the most important.
Sunday, Piscean Day 1, Dawn Of Time
Haha, I saw that stupid loser Aquarius get kicked out of his office. I'm so happy because today is the first day of the reign of Lord Pisces! It turns out that Lord Pisces is a bigger jerk than Aquarius though, but at least he looks pretty. I heard that he has a beautiful wife though. I
HATE THAT GOD DAMN FUCKING SLUT AND I HOPE SHE DIES hope that Lord Pisces
GETS MOTHERFUCKING AIDS FROM THAT FUCKSLUT SHITCOCK didn't see this entry before I crossed out the bad stuff I said. That would make me very sad because then he would make me work in the volcano again. I don't like the volcano, because it melts my hot pants all the time. Melted hot pants really hurt.
But anyway, despite the fact that Lord Pisces is a
COMPLETE ASSHOLE THAT SPIES ON HIS EMPLOYEES fine piece of ass I still won't be able to have him. Well, at least we'll always have Paris.*
*Nothing happened in Paris, just in case your wife is reading this Lord Pisces sir.
That is believed to be the last entry in this journal. Since I know everything about everything, I can only conclude that this poor sap was put to death. It isn't really a shame either, because this person didn't really deserve to live anyway. However, thanks to her completely retarded journal of crap nobody cares about, we were able to find out a vast amount about the Aquarian period. Now if you excuse me, I have a Roosterz concert to go to. Next time I'll make up a story about the littlest spaceship, so stay tuned for that!
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