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famouscelebrity |
read my book on Britney Spears
Discuss my stupidity in the forums
Name: Sir Fredrick Durstenheimer the III
Country: uNiTeD sTaTeZ oF nOoKiE
State: Cally dawg, Cally
Birthday: 8/20/1600
Interests: i love making crappy music and getting really rich off of it, my large collection of napkin erotica, and the Mario rip-off game that Sega made of me. i also love skateboards with a violent passion. if you catch my whacking off to a large piece of wood, don't be alarmed at my love of skateboards. please! it's normal! my doctor said so!
Expertise: wearing a red baseball cap backwards, that's about it really
Occupation: Everything wrong with the musis business today
Industry: Breaking stuff!
Member Since:
Who cares? I'm FAMOUS!
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| - if i could play hide and seek with a bunch of hot girls for nookie, i certainly would do the stereotypical male thing and do so. when i hurt from peeing it's because i had all of that sex in the first place. i am a stupid rock star from the inside out and constantly make money off of bands who are signed to my label, while calling them shitheads. the thing i can always expect is that my groupie fans have some new stds or something, and i will contract them. just when a comfort level of the english language comes along is when i could predict the unpredictable is around the corner. it's like my gut instinct is always talking to me louder than anything else and that is my sixth grade teacher tells me i have yet again failed to pass. regardless of all the money i make, i am still an idiot because of my instinct of making really bad music about breaking stuff and having the nookie. there is something that lives in my red cap that controls my brain, it's an alien lifeform that tells me what to do. it told me to make a xanga called americanalien, but then it told me to change it to famouscelebrity so i did. it's like a sixth sense because i see dead people, mr willis. i see dead people, damn it! who knows why i am talking? i sure don't. maybe i'm just wasting time out of my busy career of being famous or something. or maybe i'm just pretending to read all your comments and to be a deeply intellectual person when i can't even capitalize words and i am currently typing a run-on sentence. come to think of it blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah. sometimes blah blah blah! and then blah blah blah, blah blah blah. we should all wear red baseball caps so that the aliens can control the world. if you wear them, you'll be cool and you'll get to have sex with britney spears. britney spears is hot, i did it all for the nookie, because she is hot. not many people know that she keeps a spear in her trunk. now you do. did you know i'm famous? well i am! isn't that great? the world is yours, at the moment anyway. soon the aliens and i will control the entire world, and you will all be our clueless groupies offering us hot nookie. blah blah blah, blah blah blah. smile, you'll be the first to die.
if you have time and you care about what i listen to for some reason, look at this playlist i made with itunes. no one knows about them (or cares, for that matter) yet so you can check them out if you want first:
- limpbizkit: We Rulez G (Live)
- limpbizkit: Slipknot Fans Are Fat!
- Slipknot: gfhfkffhdskjf
- Dashboard Confessional: If I Had Anymore Estrogen In My Body, I'd Have a Vagina
- Creed: We Hate God Now, And We Have Become Satanists!
- limpbizkit featuring Puddle of Mudd featuring Staind featuring Korn: The Red Cap Aliens Are Coming
- Staind: We're A Stain On A Blue Dress
- The Darkness: I Believe It's Not the 80's Anymore
also linkin park fights godzilla is a dope heorin cocaine movie, check it out because i have a bit part in it that makes me bug out dawg homie word mofo i'm such a wigger mofo. word life.
sir fredrick durstenheimer the III
ps: putt putt, my monicle has come off.
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| - this is the absolute best metal album ever made, despite the fact that i called slipknot fans fat and ugly and i basically said slipknot sucks. and quite fat those fans are. ugly too. i heard they have sex with animals. geniuses, i wish my fans were that cool. do you feel like the sky is owned by mcdonalds and they will beam down fast food propaganda into your brain or do you believe that i should go rollin' rollin' rollin', keep rollin' rollin' rollin'? storage space is so overwhelming, because i have so many hello kitty dildos, not to mention my vintage macho man signed slim jim from '93, to put in there. expensive storage. sentence. fragments. are. fascinating.
in the grand scheme of things the music of limpbizcuit is flash in the pan, but it won't be because the aliens. the aliens like our music for some reason. i'm like david hasselhoff to the germans to them, a god. what was i talking about? days become insignificant when looking at kodak's big picture, but what is kodak? kodak is a photo company making a big picture, idiot. kodak's picture is the size they feel it to be. predicting the future or assuming that a specific amount of time is in your future is ridiculous yet normal. making human life better by creating food for the hungry, power for the powerless, and millions of dollars to ceos who don't do anything. i lose my mind a lot. just yesterday i stabbed pablo, my small guatemalan slave child, with a spoon. a spoon! i got three days probation for that one, boy my face was red! every once in a while i import a new small child to be my slave, and he works like a charm for a bit. then, mysteriously, he dies because he didn't want to be in my videos for r kelley. r kelly bro, r "peepee" kelly! blubber comes from whales. give me life, it's a nifty board game. i'll take it, because i'm a taker. i want money for nothing and checks for free.
certain musical notes in specific variations of sequences are a foundation for universal communication, not that i know a thing about music or anything. writing music is hard and stuff! man, how do those other bands do it? i have no idea. i wish they would teach my how to write music. venom. that's a villain from spiderman. he's black. sometimes i fucking use expletives, and it's fucking amazing. fuck shit cock ass bitch whore! music is like more powerful than any weapon ever created, except that it doesn't kill people very well. i. have. no. sentence. structure. damn.
i love mimes. i love nancy reagan. i am going to get her nookie. she is a milf. milfy milf milf. i'll get some land and bury some treasure. then i'll become a pirate and say funny things like "ar" and "shiver me timbers!" everyone will love me more then because i'll release a pirate based solo album called "i buried my treasure in your sister, arrrr!" it sounds so right, everyone will love it. i'm gonna call some other fans who listen to bands fat now. see ya, you fat fucks!!
i'm creating my own web url for blogs and things, well not really. it's a front to sell crappy merchandise that only idiot fans like yourselves would want. you will all be able to receive annoying spam and pop-up ads when it is finished. i really have been studying how to get more revenue on a website and i'm obsessed with bombarding you with advertisements. remember to go to http://e-thug.net/ because the guy is simply genius. i have been singing with this guy forever, he makes some of the best music in existence. yes, even better than limpbizcuit! go to sleep. the aliens will stab you in your sleep.
sir fredrick durstenheimer the III | | |
Saturday, May 22, 2004 | okay, i am back in action. yeah, they made a fredrick durst action figure. it comes with spring loaded nookie action! i have neglected the blog on purpose for a lil' while, because i don't care about my idiot fans. now i am back and i will tell you why to vote for john kerry. john kerry is like, not bush and stuff. so vote for him! i spent a lot of money on a cardboard cut out of howard stern and a punching bag of carson daly. the punching bag is funny, because every time you hit it it says "stop or i'll get you arrested fred!", just like it happened in real life one time. i do recieve your emails and i would like to tell you my spam folder enjoys filtering them out. some end up in my regular e-mail folder, so i answer them childishly by saying things like poop and penis. hahaha, i'm so funny. and famous too. i'm getting a puppy, help me think of a name or i won't make any more music and i'll make you all sad. you better do it! i have an idea what i want to name her, but i'm lazy and like extorting my fans instead!! sounds silly i know, but fuck it. yes, i'm talking about the puppy i'm getting. fuck it. that's what i'll do to it. i'll fuck it. doggy nookie. yum yum. check this website out, these guys are genius. you know if i keep saying everything is genius it sort of loses it's effect. oh well. http://www.cetacean-creations.com/index.html.
be back in a flash, no i don't mean the superhero you silly sammy! hahahaha, you're such a dumb dale! | | |
| i am very sorry that i suck, i am also very sorry you have to read what i write, also i am sorry for people who make fun of me. you have to understand they came from somethingawful.com after my stupid ass blog was an awful link of the day and that these people are making fun of a retarded rock star who is really famous. i feel special knowing that i can make brownies with vanilla byproducts in them, because that makes me a special panda. speaking of my brownies, i learned how to make them from martha stewart. we did the nookie. she is so hot. plus she made me blueberry pancakes, and threatened to slice my penis off if i told anybody about our encounter. that's my kind of woman right there. i don't really feel like a man anymore, i feel more like a woman. it's all because of shania twain and that damn song of hers. now i have to go buy tampex and i think i'm pregnant. sometimes i piss on things to mark my territory. that's why nobody wants to come to my house. it smells bad. peepee poopie hahahahaha! i'm really funny. i just want you to know that it is very easy to buy weed on eBay, because people sell it there for some reason. also, i would like you to know that 2+2 is in fact 4, now all of you moronic groupies can do simple math because your god told you the answer to a simple math problem. sometimes i read the comments, and i would like to tell tom_the_rabid_wombat to stop trying to have sex with his vacuum cleaner. also, i would like to tell lolroflomgwtflmao to see a shrink, because that shit ain't normal dude. seriously, stop. i have had a lot of fun being demeaning to you on here, just like in reel real life. haha, i only knew how to spell real because of realplayer. bullshit comes from bulls, because they like to poop on things. hahaha, poop! sometimes i steal girl's panties and smell them. this pleases me. also, i have been known to wear the bras thrown on stage underneath my clothes. it's because of shania twain again, damn it! i'm such a girl! waaaaaah! would you like to buy some salt? if i knew how to set up a paypal thing to sell you salt i have used, i would. since i'm an idiot though, i guess you'll just have to find some used salt on ebay. sorry guys. life is fun when you wear a red cap backwards, because of the evil aliens in your head  you must wear the red cap. you need to wear the red cap. you can not enjoy our music without a red cap. buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy! i'll just continue trying to sell you evil red caps so i can control you. buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy buy! | | |
| squirrel sex is amazing!!!! you should really try it today! squirrels make excellent lovers. don't you read peta manuals or furry websites stupid? they go over all of this stuff. you have to try it. either that or you have to try doing some donkey acts in tijuana. whatever floats your boat, you pervert. i know that arouses me. anyway, this garbage was posted in my comments today by some other band member in limpbizcuit. i didn't even know there were other band members. i was all like "fuck shit cock ass what?" everything this person said was just like, wow you are so cool. i wish i had this guy in my band. then i remembered, he is! however i'm not posting that comment, i'm posting some comment from one of my asshole fans who i have grown to understand or something!! these are real words, not fake like those fake words from jonny faker the fake. i'm thinking about becoming a scientologist, so i can tell you identical things are identical and i can hate psychiatrists for some reason. congratulations, i'm posting your comment!! you will become famous soon timehasnomeaning, and then you will have sex with me because you're an idiot groupie. love, sir fredrick durstenheimer the III <3<3<3<3<3
"It is after happy hour. I sit here, on the couch of some drunk guy I picked up and it is so quiet. I shouldn't have had sex with him. Now I think I'm pregnant. I'm so stupid. STUPID STUPID STUPID! GOD I HATE MY LIFE! All i hear is the sound of me screaming at my stupid self. God I suck ass. When I'm done hating myself I decide to put some comment on the xanga of a famous person. I know he cares about me, because he's famous and stuff! He has to care! HE MAKES MUSIC! I ask myself if I want to play Scrabble, but I decline my own offer because I don't know lots of words and I am dumb and stuff. Plus Scrabble is hard. It makes me want to stab a condom machine. I start to feel the need for Herbal Essences. If I use that shampoo, I'll have like ten orgasms. More than that asshole drunkard gave me, to say the least. There is none though. So, here i am, Herbal Essence-less. Should I go to the supermarket and buy some? Maybe I should, but what if the ninjas get me? Ninjas fight all the time, and I'm scared of them. I shouldn't go out. My ninja-fearing religion was right, they really do want to kill me. If I wake up that drunk asshole will he do the Hokey Pookie again? I'm curious because he never told me if it was what it was all about or not. I NEED TO KNOW! Why am I talking to myself again? Am I crazy? The other voices in my head say I am. I don't know what to think. I wonder if that guy from The Lord of the Rings, that Dildo or whatever his name was, I wonder if he likes deformed toes? I bet he does, because he's a real hobbit and stuff. Why does Fonzie always go "eeeeeeeeh"?is it because I forgot how to use the space bar? Or is it because he was a gang leader? Who's afraid of the dark? Not me, but some people on Nickelodeon told me I should be. They told me I should be cold too, for some reason. I can't even begin to the beginning of my plan to procrastinate from the beginning again. What does it matter anyway, I'm a STUPID ASSHOLE! Why is this sentence, sentence, so awkward? I can't change the fact that my brother was the mastermind behind Milli Vannili (boy, is that an understatement!) When he wasn't physical, he verbally was an ass. No you see, my father was literally an ass. He was a donkey. My mom said I was born from a donkey act she had. That's why I'm different than all the other kids! I'M A MINOTAUR FOR CHRIST SAKES! "Look, I'm quoting somebody who said something one time and it's all quote-y and stuff." I feel really special and cool because of my ability to quote things. Not really, I hate myself. Now I'm going to whine about my sucky life. Sob story. Blah blah blah, emo. Blah blah blah, emo emo sob story emo blah. Lifetime is funny, it makes me smile because all television should be for woman! Men don't even count as people anyway! STUPID ASS MEN! CUT THEIR BALLS OFF! I have a child, and he's a boy! I'm going to teach him to hate his gender and to be ashamed of his penis. Hahaha, what a stupid asshole. I have never seen his face, but I know I hate him all ready. (The little bastard!) I hope and pray that he fetches me cookies when I command him to do so. I want those god damn cookies now. Cookies with strawberry ice cream on them. Yum, teenage pregnancy tastes so good. I have a new idea now! I'm going to get married to a cattle rancher named Steve and we will form a small country! We will be dictators and control the local tribe with an iron fist. It makes me giddy thinking about it. Oh, my little bastard son who I will name Asshole will be the janitor. Stupid Asshole. God I hate him. I am out of cookies! I need to run to the store before I implode from lack of food! I LOVE YOU SIR FREDRICK DURSTENHEIMER THE III AND I WANT YOU TO BIRTH ME MANY GIRLS! YOU ARE THE ONLY MAN I LOVE! NaOH is the chemical symbol for sodium hydroxide!..and timehasnomeaningsux, you suck! YOUR MOTHER! HAHAHAHA! , (looks at the action she is placing in parenthesis in disgust, because it signifies her failure as a human being) thanks for your inspiration and the opportunity to allow me to look inside of myself, LITERALLY! ( you know what I'm talking about Freddy WINK WINK ) It's so warm inside there! WITTY CLOSING SENTENCE!
(Sometimes I think I'm Casey Casim, but then I forget I'm not!)
TimeHasNoMeaning ~ aka firegirl"
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