The Cereal Succession Wars
- Written by
DarkZelgadis
I'm sure you all have heard the AFI song entitled "Cereal Wars." I'm
also sure you all got a slight chuckle out of it, and then completely
forgot about it. Well my friends, I'm here to tell you that the Cereal
Wars are not a laughing matter. Besides, AFI's song has nothing to do
with the great Cereal Succession Wars at all. They were just writing
some of that weird mumble jumble hip-hop you kids all love these days.
Back in my days we listened to real music, like bands consisting of
all washboards. I digress from the important topic at hand, however.
I am not here to complain about the state of modern music, I am here
to unfold the gruesome history of the Cereal Succession Wars.
In an alternative universe a planet named Postopious existed. This planet
was ruled by a benevolent ruler named Snap Cracklepopus. The Postoioians
were living in a virtual paradise under his stewardship. However, the
rule of the great king Cracklepopus came to an abrupt end when he suddenly
vanished without a trace. Some sources say he stayed crunchy, even in
milk.
All of the local lords of Postopious saw their chance to become the
next king. As such, a state of civil war engulfed the entire planet.
The two most powerful lords were the fearsome Count Choculaus and the
adamant General Sunny "Coocoo" Belvile. These two lords met in battle
at the battle of Mt. Trixomous. (Legend has it that this is the mountain
where a young rabbit was mutated into a berry craving beast who must
survive on the indigenous Trixo Berries. This however, is a completely
different story involving the death of lots of bastard kids. These kids
were said to torment the rabbit in a past life, thus this is karma at
work.) At first General Sunny was winning this important battle. The
tides quickly turned when the Count unleashed his secret weapon, the
homicidal leprechaun of doom known only as "Lucky." Lucky made quick
work on Belvile's army, and soon of the general himself. After winning
this major battle, the Count went on to rule Postopious after a few
more minor skirmishes in the north.
It was now official; Choculaus was now the king of all Postopious. He
started off as a decent ruler, following in the great Cracklepopus'
footsteps. This soon ended. Little after a year under his rule, Choculaus
became a tyrant. He forced Mikey to eat all of the cereal in the land,
even the bad stuff! Then after eating all of this cereal, he forced
Mikey to say he liked all of it! This is just one example of the Count's
cruelty. He also made the loyal Alpha-battalion spell obscene words,
then he showed old ladies to make them faint. The most heinous thing
he did, however, was probably getting the Frosted Mini-Wheat's multiple
personality disorder cured. The Frost Mini-Wheat was the greatest entertainer
in the land, because his two sides had distinct personalities. The Postoioians
found this hilarious. However, when the multiple personalities of the
Mini-Wheat were gone, he was as bland as Wheaties Top. (Wheaties Top
was the worst comedian in the land, just to clear that up.)
Many of the people were discontent under the tyrannical rule of Choculaus.
They couldn't do anything though, because rebels were quickly quelled
by the insane Lucky. In fact, Lucky slaughtered millions of innocents
at Fruity Pebble Lane in Cerealville. There was a young aristocrat who
couldn't stand these atrocities anymore. He went by the name Colonel
Sanders. Sanders was once a high ranking military official in Cracklepopulus'
army, but the Count stripped his rank as soon as he took control. This
was a brilliant move on Choculaus' part, since Sanders was one of the
mightiest warriors in the land.
However, after the Fruity Pebble Lane massacre, Sanders couldn't take
the horror anymore. He used all of his money to start a secret rebel
faction. Sanders soon died of old age and left a young Captain of the
rebel army to take over. This captain's name would soon become one of
the most famous men in all of Postopious. His name was Captain Cruncholios.
(No, he didn't want TP for his bunghole. I'm glad I can clear up that
historical inaccuracy at this time.)
Cruncholios kept his army secret for several years, constantly waiting
for the perfect time to strike. Finally, in the year 571 A.C ("Annolious
Casapus", Postoioian for "Blessed Milk Goddess") the rebel faction struck.
It was the infamous battle at Bumblebee Castle. The standing general
Cheerious Von Beestien put up a good fight, but he eventually faltered
to the rebel faction. The first major battle of the Second Cereal Succession
War was now underway.
Choculaus was furious about the defeat. So furious that he ignored his
advisers and sent the entire right branch of his army to the rebel's
lair at Castle Fruitlopiam. The general of the right branch, General
Tony "The Great" Tigeruious, led the skirmish. The rebel army kept Tigeruious
at bay quite a while, until he revealed his secret weapon upon their
poor castle. The secret weapon was known as the Corn Flake "Cock Cannon",
a cannon which fired the lofty green and red chickens of the Cornflian
plains at its target. These weapons were extremely deadly since the
chickens, known as Cornflian Cocks, exploded on contact. These secret
weapons of the royal army almost obliterated Cruncholios and the rest
of the rebels. If things kept up like this, the rebels were sure to
lose the war.
Conveniently for the rebels though, things did not keep continuing this
way. A large beast known as the Popolous stormed through the battle
field. Popolous needed the dark food known as "Corn Pops" or he would
continue on a murderous rampage forever. He basically mowed down the
entire right faction of the royal army. Luckily for the rebels, they
kept these mysterious "Corn Pops" on hand to quell the beast. Thanks
to this stroke of luck, the rebels almost ended the tyrannical rule
of Choculaus.
There were only three obstacles left in the path of the rebels. First
they had to cross the Honey Comb plains, where the mighty Hylelious
beast dwelled. After crossing these plains safely, they would be at
the mighty Castle Kelongstien, which was the capital of Postopious.
Here they would do battle with the terrifying beast known as Lucky,
not to mention the rest of the imperial army. After getting through
all these minor details, Cruncholios would finally be able to have a
dramatic battle with the evil Choculaus.
To make a long story short, the rebels won and there was a clich�d peace
on Postopious. Cruncholios became king of the land and ruled justly.
Everyone lived happily ever after, except for those bastard kids who
tortured the rabbit monster Mt. Trixmous. This was the end of the violent
Cereal Succession Wars. I'm glad I can enlighten you all to the gory
details of the most gruesome wars in Postopious history.
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